Barriers
by Nocturnalux
Summary: Izaya has a secret: he suffers from Asperger's syndrome, a type of mild autism. It poses many challenges to his love for humanity but he is thrilled to overcome them. Until Kadota begins to realize that something is off and sets out to investigate.
1. Chapter 1

**Prompt:** Autistic!Izaya

* * *

><p>People, human beings, <em>homo sapiens<em>: there was no shortage of these in Tokyo and each and every last one was a barrier to Orihara Izaya. They were as so many atoms randomly assembled and dangerous in their unpredictability. Izaya often thought of them like virtual particles: mysterious and highly complex in their behavior that could not be comprehended. As he stood on the windy top of a skyscraper and looked down, he could discern order. Seen from above the largest intersection of the road was a mechanism of beautifully calibrated movement.  
>Masses of people flowed in a rhythm. Green lights ignited a human tide, red lights stopped it. Izaya loved this vantage point because it conferred an interpretative grid on chaos. It made visible a pattern and once Izaya was aware of it, he could follow it to a place of security. The entire city could be translated as a series of vectors and Izaya thought that if he could but gain a higher position, he could see how it was an all encompassing vector that could be properly understood.<br>Izaya hungered for knowledge as a way to bypass his inborn handicap. At first, when the world was swirling confusion, he sought refuge in his mind. As a child he had realized that he needed to tackle the panicky feeling of menace by tackling it in a way that suited him. And that could only be achieved by employing his reasoning powers on the outer reality instead of keeping them as a security blanket.  
>He had taken the advice of his doctors and devoured books upon books on sociology, psychology, anthropology. It was a relief to find a structure of knowledge readily accessible and catalogued. Izaya used it to the fullest, researching with all his might and slowly but surely gaining a foothold on reality. While other kids were busy playing Izaya delved in material that went way beyond his old years. But he ingeniously kept this hidden from his peers.<br>Izaya realized very early on that letting others find out about his condition was a weakness he could not afford. He knew that to become who he wanted to be, he had to eliminate chinks in his armor by projecting a flawless façade. More, Izaya had to make it all seem effortless for he could not accept compassion or even sympathy. Izaya did not want to fit in, he wanted to be on top of everyone else.  
>He chose to face his issues that he studied at length as a challenge more than a shortcoming. Izaya had trained himself to that effect. The school system worked to his advantage, the experiments in socialization that he undertook in middle school would not be known to the greater stage that was high school so he was free to try many different things without being overly concerned about future repercussions.<br>Izaya learnt how to always look people in the eye and little by little developed a smooth talk and suave interaction that carried him far. But he still carried marks of his condition as he called it, he simply incorporated them into his style. His silver rings, always the same and placed on the same fingers, the well-fitted black clothes and his fur fringed jacket: all of it very hip and part of a reassuring routine. He still enjoyed long periods of solitude on occasion, his personal items were neatly organized to the point of obsession and the innermost sanctum of his home, the bedroom, was off limits to everyone. He had pinned down the collective schedule of Ikebukuro and the individual ones of its major players so that he could always know where they were at any given point. Izaya scouted the streets at recurring intervals that only he knew of and according to an inner logic by avoiding prime numbered hours.  
>The world was a chess board, time was its squares.<br>He ate according to a never altering system that he could not help but obey. So long as he was aware of these unquestionable rules he remained in control. Knowing that they existed and understanding why it was so allowed him not to be lost or in subjugation to them. A million quirks defined him.  
>All and all, the closer he became to unlocking the riddle of human nature the more he overcame himself and climbed another step in a ladder toward supremacy. Izaya thought that he was well shored and perfectly assured in his abilities to bridge the gap and reign supreme.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Orihara Izaya was about to be proven wrong.  
>One of his skills was of course knowing precisely what kind of reaction he could invoke from people. It was believed that Izaya was annoying for the purpose of putting people ill at ease but it was something of a misunderstanding. He did not approach everyone in the same way, it was part of his method to always interact based on a personal assessment of the person in question. Even if all he had to go by was appearance of a screen name. Everything was information as long as one knew how to dissect it. And Izaya made a point out of always zeroing in on that.<br>By knowing how people would react he made them predictable and thus reassured his ability to overcome issues and always come on top. The one that could connect the many dots and read order through apparent chaos was the winner by default. And that was precisely who he needed to be.

"Say, about Izaya…"  
>Shizuo snorted loudly at the name.<br>"Filthy louse. Hate his guts."  
>Kadota sighed but kept on going through his notebook.<br>"I've been wondering, doesn't he always come 'round about the same times?"  
>"No idea."<br>"Try to remember. You always know when he drops by Ikebukuro, don't you?"  
>Shizuo frowned slightly and chewed on the steak in front of him.<br>"I guess…yeah, now that you mention it. Fucking flea."  
>It had become such a habit to attach insults to any mention of Izaya's name that Shizuo did so even when it had no connection to whatever was being said. Kadota nodded and showed him the neatly filled notebook.<br>"Here. What do you make of it?"  
>"Dunno."<br>"I've been asking around town and there is a pattern to Izaya. He appears at specific times. Almost as if he has a log of sorts."  
>Shizuo shrugged.<br>"He's a weirdo anyway. Creepy, too. But I dunno about that, I see him all the bloody time. Morning, noon, afternoon, all the bloody time."  
>Kadota nodded.<br>"That's just it, the pattern is sort of hidden. Takes a while to break it down. But for example, when did he appear today?"  
>"At ten. Thought I'd have a break after work but no, fucking Izaya had to screw it up for me."<br>Kadota's interest in Izaya's zany personality had become something of an unlikely hobby. He was curious about such a power player and that Kadota had a history with Izaya made him even more curious. He had realized that in asking about Izaya Shizuo's memory was the most reliable. Shizuo nurtured such a hatred that he seemed to remember every single thing about his object of profound loathing. It was one of the strangest things Kadota had ever seen.  
>"And today is Friday. Yesterday, what time did he drop by?"<br>"Nine."  
>Kadota scribbled on his notepad.<br>"And the day before?"  
>"Eight"<br>"And the day before that?"  
>"Six."<br>"And the day before that, that'd be Monday."  
>"Four."<br>Kadota scribbled madly.  
>"See, there <em>is<em> a pattern. Monday, four; Tuesday six; Wednesday eight; Thursday nine; Friday twelve. There's almost a chronological order to it…but something is still missing."  
>Shizuo peered at Kadota's neat handwriting.<br>"I guess. Never noticed it."  
>"But he skips a few. Is there a logic to it…four, six, eight, nine, twelve. But he could be counting them as sixteen, eighteen, twenty, twenty one, zero. Hmm…"<br>Shizuo took a sip of strawberry milkshake.  
>"He's annoying other people in the hours between. Fucking hate him."<br>Kadota got up.  
>"That's it!"<br>"Huh?"  
>"If you forget the zero for midnight, the numbers he is skipping are prime numbers. Five, seven, ten! Or seventeen, nineteen! The zero is a wildcard so it doesn't count but this can't be a coincidence."<br>"Ya making my head hurt."  
>But Kadota knew he was on to something.<br>"The question is why. What is it about prime numbers? Some symbolic meaning? Or maybe it's part of an even greater pattern. Maybe there is some sort of code? But why? If there is, what is the point? Maybe to gloat at the fact that no one seems to even notice let alone crack it?"  
>"Yeah, I bet that's it. That's what a smartass like him he'd do. Thinks he's so bloody smart."<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Kadota was both thrilled and more curious than ever about Izaya. He was sure that no one had figured this surprising pattern, but Kadota was very aware of how incomplete it was. He needed directly acquired information, as Izaya would phrase it. It entailed following Izaya.  
>But Kadota knew how problematic this was. Tailing Izaya was not easy and as tempted as Kadota was to employ the crazy pair of Erika and Walker, he did not think it was all that wise. As Kadota pondered his options there was another person whose thoughts turned to the informant.<br>Simon had been very surprised at finding out that Izaya was fluent in Russian. There was something uncannily creepy in veiled threats in one's own language. Simon could not shake the feeling that Izaya had bothered to learn it, Cyrillic and all, for the sole purpose of shaking him up. Since then he had spotted Izaya speaking in Italian to immigrants, in what sounded like Chinese and in a few other idioms that Simon did not even recognize.  
>At first it had made him less nervous since it implied that Izaya did not have a peculiar grudge against him and did not wish to torment Simon alone. But over the years he realized that this was a misunderstanding on his part. If Izaya did not have anything personally against Simon that did not mean that he had no intentions of making things difficult for him; worse, Simon realized that odds were Izaya learnt all those languages precisely so that he could upset as many people as possible. Izaya's democratic treatment of everyone only meant that he fully expected to disturb them all in one way or another.<br>As far as Simon could tell Izaya was equally evil to everybody. It did make Simon feel any better. But somehow it kept bothering, the extent of languages that Izaya dominated. He wondered just how much of a polyglot Izaya truly was. Having had to master a second language as an adult Simon was very aware of how difficult it was even when one was immersed in the culture.  
>All this was on Simon's mind when Izaya waltzed into Russia Sushi, waving as if he owned the place as he promptly took a seat at the counter.<br>"What can I get you, Orihara-san?"  
>Izaya's never wavering smile made Simon rather ill at ease.<br>"The usual, ootoro. Make it fatty and thick like I like it."  
>Simon kept an eye on Izaya even as he sliced the fresh tuna.<br>"Orihara-san, how many languages can you speak?"  
>"A few. I don't keep track."<br>"How did you learn them?"  
>Izaya washed his hands on warm small towels with deliberate slowness.<br>"I picked them up along the way."  
>"Here, all ready Orihara-san."<br>Izaya glowed and not for the first time Simon thought that there was something creepy about red eyes.  
>"Simon? I always eat nine slices. There are ten slices on this plate."<br>"On the house, Orihara-san."  
>"No can do. Get me some new fish."<br>"Orihara-san? What is the problem, more fish is better."  
>Simon was rather confused. Izaya always ordered at least two plates as it was and either way he would be having free extra food. But Izaya was not budging. Izaya leant forward.<br>"Simon-san, haven't you heard that 'the costumer is king'? In Japan the costumer is more akin to an emperor. Get me new fish, will you?"  
>Izaya's smile was more disturbing than even the veiled threat that Simon could feel lurking behind the lilting sing-song voice. One thing he had figured out about Izaya: the more formal and friendly he seemed the more dangerous he actually was.<br>"Alright, Orihara-san. Will be ready soon."  
>"Wonderful. I know that I can always count on your services."<br>Izaya managed to sail through this crises without it even coming across that there was a problem at all. He often turned his compulsions into appearing to be unpredictably capricious. The truth of the matter was that ten pieces of tuna on a plate upset him. He could not explain it but it was another numerical pattern he simply disliked as he did prime numbered hours.  
>There were also color preferences, electing red vending machines whenever possible, never dressing in green no matter what, not eating pink smarties, having a tendency to step only on the white stripes on zebra crossings. Izaya wondered if there was some sort of inner logic to this and lost long hours contemplating the possibilities.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Izaya greatly enjoyed talking to Celty. It was highly amusing to freak her out (and surprisingly easy, too) and Izaya absolutely loved how he could mess with a supernatural creature. His love for humanity, as ironic and misplaced as it was, was vindicated in this. But there was another reason that had nothing to do with his many and convoluted plans and that was the fact that he could speak freely with her without having to bring himself to face any eyes.  
>In another twist of irony it was only in her presence that Izaya realized fully just how much of an effort it was to return everyone else's gaze throughout the day. That was why Izaya always left with a sense of inner peace from these dialogues, no matter how charged with meanings they might be. Izaya could be completely at ease with her: for all his proclaim affection for human kind it was only with a non-human that Izaya could fully relax.<br>Of course, this ease of his only upset Celty further. Izaya intensely appreciated it. The more she flailed the happier he was. This vicious cycle fully played to his strengths and with each encounter his dominance increased.  
>Izaya knew exactly where to find her. It was part of the job description to know the whereabouts of all major players and even couriers could be tracked as long as one knew how to go about it. Also, people were victims of routine and tended to stick to the same routes with almost disturbing predictability. So while at first it might seem impossible to keep track of so many in such a bustling metropolis it was almost easy for Izaya.<br>He now parked himself on Celty's trademark black bike and waited. Above the lights from the overcast cast an eerie kaleidoscope of yellow and red. Soon enough Celty arrived and did not finish for him to stop a friendly waving gesture but thrust the PDA in front of him.  
>[What do you want now?]<br>"Good evening. How are you? I just happened to be in the area so I figured I'd drop by."  
>[Liar.]<br>Izaya chuckled. Dealing with Celty had another particularity, it challenged him to read her through body language. Izaya almost wished she was not so transparent in this area. Just by the stiffening of her frame and the way her fingers typed at light speed he could tell that she wanted him gone.  
>[And get off my bike]<br>Izaya obliged and made sure to land just within her personal space, leaning forward just slightly. He could even see the dark reflection on her helmet and he was pleased at his own sly smile.  
>"I just wanted to say hi and see how everything's going."<br>[I'm fine. If that is everything, I'll be going now.]  
>He waited until she was already mounted on the bike and ready to dash into the anonymity of the city.<br>"By the way, what do you think about the aliens in Ikebukuro?"  
>As Izaya fully expected she lingered.<br>[Aliens? What are you talking about?]  
>Izaya blinked and widened his eyes in very artificial surprise.<br>"I thought you had heard about it. Word has it that aliens have been seen in 'bukuro late at night."  
>Her finger shook slightly.<br>[Aliens? That's just an urban legend. How could there be aliens around?]  
>"I suppose you're right. Aliens can't possibly be real. They must be an urban legend. As, say, the headless rider."<br>Izaya could almost see her considering it despite herself. This was the critical point, when even those who opposed him were forced to come to terms with what tidbits he had to offer. And the beautiful part was that it was more due to their psychological makeup than anything else. All this Izaya predicted and set in motion.  
>[Why are you telling me this?]<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"I thought that you some interest in the subject. But if I am mistaken I will not bother you any further."<br>More furious typing.  
>[Where did you hear this?]<br>"Hmm…I am sorry but I don't divulge my sources."  
>[You're just making it up.]<br>But he could tell she was wavering.  
>"If you feel that the information I provide is untrustworthy then you need simply dismiss it."<br>Which, now that she was reeled in and hanging at his every word, would not happen. Izaya was one to provide the illusion of freedom of choice to those unfortunate enough to raise his interest.  
>[Why would there be aliens in Ikebukuro?]<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

"Who knows? But I think it is more likely for extraterrestrials to visit Ikebukuro than go around the countryside making crop circles and applying anal probes on unsuspecting farmers."  
>It was something of a flawed dichotomy but it worked. Celty hesitated.<br>[I suppose you have a point there. And with so many weird people around, it could happen…]  
>"Indeed. See you later, Celty."<br>Izaya waved and with merrily skipped away. His job for the night was done. He wondered if she would share this bit of fabricated information with Shinra. Either way, he was sure that it was bound to spread like most rumors did in a city built as much on hearsay as actual fact. As he waited for a sign to turn green Izaya mused over how the distinction between reality and fiction was not even all that distinct. Not that he believed in blurring the lines between otaku culture and the gritty daily grind on the streets, but there was such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy. This matter with the aliens was just Izaya having fun as he knew best by messing up with someone's mind but he knew very well that all it took was to say that a certain color gang was in action to see said color gang spring up even if it did not exist up to that point.  
>It was exceedingly interesting. Izaya thought that it was both a case of herd mentality and of trying to bypass a mild case of cognitive dissonance. As so often was the case cause and effect did not interconnect in a simply chain but could only be followed through a series of distortions all the way to their source. And by then it might not even matter how something had started. Initiative was not half as important as dominance. And Orihara Izaya was in control.<p>

Kadota hesitated before taking a more offensive stance. He knew that Izaya was not someone one could actually stalk, not even the truck gang could help with that, but fortunately there remained one way of fishing for information about him. And that was the people Izaya interacted with.  
>And of course there were many of these. How many Kadota could not even begin to imagine and most of these were probably oblivious of it too. One thing that Kadota was beginning to realize was that Izaya was both a high profile personality in Ikebukuro and beyond and an invisible entity altogether. Izaya was in fact almost a urban legend.<br>In this Kadota had the upper hand since he had first hand experience and could not possibly hold any doubts as to Izaya's existence. Which was not to say that he underplayed Izaya's pervasive power, on the contrary. It only made him more aware that Izaya was a very dangerous individual.  
>Before he decided to take this step he was about to take Kadota had to seriously reflect on what Izaya's reaction would be if he were to find out about him. Kadota had no idea. Izaya might actually brush it all aside with a laugh, or pretend to be pleased about it in that mocking friendly way of his, but then again he might very well dump Kadota in Tokyo Bay with cement on his shoes.<br>As he reflected more about it, Kadota realized that this last possibility was unlikely. After all Izaya did not seem to monitor him in any way and Kadota felt that he was quite outside of his radar. And so Kadota made the decision of tackling a common acquaintance that had some connection with Orihara Izaya. Kadota booked a private room at Russia Sushi and waited for Kida Masaomi whom he had invited.  
>"Hello! So glad that you're treating me, Simon said that tonight the sushi is topnotch."<br>Kida bustled with enthusiasm as usual and Kadota became rather reticent. He was unsure of how to approach the subject without causing Kida to clam up immediately and he was not looking forward to hurting Kida. But ultimately Kadota simply had to know.  
>"Kida-kun, can I ask you something?"<br>Kida was chewing on a nigiri and gulped it down in one go now.  
>"Do you want some tips on how to pick up chicks? Ah, I'm sorry but I don't share those. They are secret Kida Masaomi techniques! Of course the ladies are naturally drawn to me, I can't help it. Just yesterday-"<br>"I mean about Izaya."  
>Kida nearly dropped his chopsticks. He laughed weakly and grew a few shades paler. Kadota could see that it took an effort for him to grip the chopsticks properly again.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

"Izaya...? Oh, Orihara Izaya. The informant? I wouldn't know much about him. My, look at the time. I best be going."  
>"Kida-kun, I know that you've been working for him."<br>Kida was on his way out but this brought him back to sitting in front of Kadota, reluctantly enough. Kadota wondered at the sudden transformation. Kida dropped all of his breezy ways and seemed to contract into himself, becoming all awareness and suspicion. Before he addressed Kadota he made sure to look left and right as if he feared he was being spied and his eyes narrowed slightly but emphatically.  
>"Look, whatever you want to know I can't tell you. And you shouldn't be spreading this."<br>It occurred to Kadota that the one thing he could use as leverage as blackmail.  
>"I don't want to know about Izaya's schemes or anything like that. I'm just curious about how he is as a person."<br>"Wouldn't you know better than I do? I just work for the guy. You were his schoolmate."  
>"Still. If you tell me a few things no one will know that you're working for Izaya, at least not from me."<br>Kida considered his options with deliberate slowness. Kadota had a feeling that years were stacked on Kida.  
>"Fine. But I must make it very clear that I'm not saying word about his activities."<br>"Fair enough. Have you noticed anything particular about his apartment?"  
>"Particular? I don't follow."<br>"You know, about the furniture and what he keeps there."  
>Kida shrugged dismissively.<br>"Expensive furniture and the place is huge."  
>"How about his clothes?"<br>"What about them? He has a closet full of those jackets and black clothing."  
>Kadota started. Somehow he could not help thinking that this was a hint even if it seemed so unimportant at first glance.<br>"So he has a lot of the same jackets?"  
>"Yes. Don't ask me why, I guess he's just fond of fur."<br>"What does he do for fun?"  
>"Troll people? I have no idea but it probably involves trolling."<br>This was not very useful.  
>"Anything else?"<br>"Chess, I guess. And _go_."  
>"Does he play with you?"<br>Kida chuckled bitterly and shook his head.  
>"No way. He plays online against a bunch of people at the same time. But I think he likes playing against himself better."<br>"He does that?"  
>"Every now and then."<br>Now this Kadota found most interesting. He jutted it down on his notepad. Kadota wanted to ask about Izaya's schedule but it was all too obvious that it was off limits.  
>"Is there any behavior that is strange? That doesn't have to do with work, that is."<br>Kida gave it some thought.  
>"He's a bit peculiar with numbers."<br>"Numbers? What do you mean?"  
>"A while ago the phone company called, something about changing his number. Not that he uses the landline much. But he made a fuss about it. The new numbers were 'wrong'. I have no idea what he meant."<br>"That is very strange indeed. Are there more things along those lines?"  
>Kadota was on the edge of the seat, hanging on to Kida's every word as veritable revelations.<br>"He complained about the same thing when he changed cell phones once. To the point he called the cell phone company to get them to exchange the card because the numbers were wrong."  
>"Wrong? What does he mean by that?"<br>Kida shrugged.  
>"Your guess is as good as mine. Look, I admit that I work for the guy. Doesn't mean I like him nor does it mean I have some sort of deep connection. If you want <em>that<em> you may want to ask Yagiri Namie. But I advise against it and you didn't hear this from me."  
>"I get it. Does he have any pictures at home?"<br>"None that I know of. He might have some in his bedroom. It's off limits so I wouldn't know."  
>"I see. Do you notice much of a difference when he's at home as opposed to when he's out on the streets?"<br>For the first time since the dinner had taken a turn for the interview Kida smiled and even giggled.  
>"You make it seem like he's a whore. Then again, he kinda is, isn't he? And no, Izaya is the same no matter where he is, no matter who is screwing over and no matter how much he is screwing them over."<br>Kadota had a feeling that Kida had been itching to vent all his grievances against Izaya.  
>"Would you say he's difficult to read, then?"<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

"Not difficult. Impossible. Haven't you noticed it yourself? The creepy smile, the way he makes you _think_ he knows every single thing you ever done wrong- how the hell can anyone tell what he's really thinking?"  
>"Indeed."<br>Kida seemed to suddenly snap out of it. He got up and nearly knocked down the low table.  
>"I am done answering questions. We never had this conversation, we had a great dinner tonight and then I went home."<br>"Oh, sure. I wouldn't tell Izaya about this."  
>To Kadota's surprise Kida sat down again and proceeded to attack some sushi with relish. It was as if a switch had gone on and turned Kida into a calculating person. Kadota could understand just why Izaya had picked Kida to work for him.<br>"He'll get you to tell him, rest assured. If he suspects you have something on him. You'll end up telling him every single thing before you know it. What, thought I'd storm out? No can do. He knows I'm here and if I dashed mid-meal it would look very suspicious. And you'll be paying for this, neh?"  
>Kadota wondered if some of Izaya's sly ways were rubbing off on Kida but was wise enough to keep silence on the subject.<br>"Aren't you being a bit paranoid?"  
>"No. No, I'm not."<br>And that was almost the last Kadota heard of Izaya from Kida that night. With almost disturbing ease Kida was back to chattering about a thousand and one things at the same time, splurging on sushi and in apparent high spirits. It was only when dinner was over that Kida offered a final bit of information. He stood in the threshold and spoke without turning around.  
>"One more thing. When Izaya plays against himself he doesn't exactly follow the normal rules. I don't think it has anything to do with board games to him."<p>

Kadota could not help thinking that he could have drilled Kida in a more systematic way but as he reviewed his notes later that night, he realized that he had undercovered an important part of Izaya's personality. As he was contemplated these things, Heiwajima Shizuo took a stroll down the street, his mind wandering off to Izaya as well. At first Shizuo had not thought much of Kadota's investigation but it dawned on him that thanks to it he could now predict Izaya's advent. Assuming Kadota was on to something, that is.  
>It was with the intent of figuring this out that Shizuo took this stroll. And indeed, in no time he ran into Izaya. Instead of doing the usual chasing act Shizuo actually waved at him and he could see the briefest of hesitations in Izaya.<br>"It's about time you dropped by, huh?"  
>"Shizu-chan, good evening. I see that I find you in a sane mood. How refreshing."<br>Shizuo smoked in silence, keeping his gaze fixed on Izaya. It was enough to make Izaya rather jumpy.  
>"Got some business around here?"<br>"It just happens that this is still Shibuya, technically. So I'm not intruding on your Ikebukuro turf."  
>"Bet you were about to do just that."<br>It was indeed Izaya's plan but it was completely foiled now.  
>"Is today a day off?"<br>"What, can't I go for a walk when I feel like?"  
>Izaya spread his hands in a placatory gesture that indicated he did not quite care.<br>"But of course you can. After all, this is a free country and Tokyo belongs to everyone."  
>He waited for Shizuo to go off an angry rant about how Izaya was strictly forbidden from setting foot on Ikebukuro if he prized his life. It was one of those invariable elements on which Izaya could trust. Shizuo smoked some more in silence.<br>"I dunno what you're planning and you're more slippery than an eel but you know, you can't keep dodging forever."  
>Izaya smiled with a hint of malice and made sure that he kept a solid security distance between himself and Shizuo. This kind of approach was not something Izaya expected but he was not an automaton and was already running through possible explanations and plans of action.<br>"Oh my, could it be that you are threatening me, Shizu-chan? Can't say that I like that. It's not very friendly."  
>Izaya was ready to apply his switchblade if need be. But Shizuo merely shrugged and turned his back to him.<br>"I gotta go back. If you like 'bukuro so much then I guess you'll be coming back like the annoying bugger you are. But don't think that I don't know you're up to something."


	8. Chapter 8

"Whatever could I be plotting?"  
>Izaya actually batted his eyes innocently enough.<br>"Beats me."  
>"I'm just trying to make a living here. I honestly do not understand your hostility and-"<br>Shizuo halted as if he was about to charge and Izaya immediately backtracked into Shibuya territory.  
>"Jumpy, huh. I gotta kill you one of these days."<br>Izaya wondered at the almost friendly tone and watched Shizuo disappear into the crowds for whom borders between Shibuya and Ikebukuro were not a matter of life and death. Izaya skipped into forbidden land, the concrete underneath him almost humming with the excitement he felt. The barrier here might be invisible for all practical purposes but to Izaya it was not only tangible as almost alive.  
>"How could I ever drag myself away?"<br>The rhetoric question was washed away by the ceaseless human tide.

Izaya perched himself at a pedestrian bridge and watched the flicker of lights switching from green to red to green again with a precision that he found most soothing. He knew that a computer orchestrated this mathematics of movements, introducing intervals at pause at the exact moment and in proportion with the time for flowing. People slid along these streets and left on their wakes traces of energy that Izaya could almost trace at will.  
>He had the timing of the traffic lights just right so that he knew exactly when it would turn. This was his favorite time for this kind of observation: early evening, the sky still vestigial of the day as the night slid in to replace it with its pantheon of neon lights. He stayed long enough for darkness to fully descend and thus become the background to the rapid glitter.<br>Izaya could feel the city pulsating, its heartbeat was something that needed honed skill and instinct to bring it into the real of the observable. Reflections of this nature made him feel as if there was a special fate for him, that destiny had elected. Of course, this was not the destiny set in the stars – those were dim and frail, hardly a threat to the harsh city lights – but a destiny woven in the fabric of this crazed urban jungle. After all if there was a king to the realm sprawled before him in concrete and neon then it could only be Orihara Izaya.

Kadota had heard that Yagiri Namie was working for Izaya but it was still something of a shock to see her leaving his building and making her way across the street. Somehow he felt that finding her would be considerably more difficult. But of course it did not matter much since actually addressing her was out of the question. Kadota left in a hurry, dallying this close to Izaya's den was dangerous.  
>With each step he took into the labyrinth he felt that he was getting closer to peril. It only spurred him on. He took a moment to gather what information he currently had, wondering if Izaya proceeded just like this before acting.<br>"Wrong numbers...wrong how..."  
>Kadota still had Izaya's old cell phone number. He wrote it down and underneath this one the new. There should be something that both numbers had in common. Kadota tried to add each single digit and realized that in both cases he was left with an uneven number. It could mean something or nothing at all. Without a 'wrong' number to go by Kadota was left to wonder without making much progress, if any.<br>He abandoned this line of thought and turned to something else. Izaya's tampering with board games' rules. Kadota suspected that it was a mere symptom of Izaya's attitude toward life in general.  
>"Hmm...god complex?"<br>As if on impulse Kadota decided to challenge Izaya directly for a game.

"_Go_? I play it, yes."  
>Kadota was very happy that his theory allowed to pinpoint where to find Izaya one fine afternoon. Taking advantage of the fact that they were former schoolmates Kadota approached him and got Izaya to join him for a cup of coffee. He noticed that Izaya added three spoonfuls of sugar and turn the spoon counter clockwise.<br>"Erika and the lot are dragging me to this marathon about some anime that's about the game and I don't want to just stare at the screen without getting anything."  
>Izaya eased himself into the seat and smiled. Kadota wondered if this was a huge mistake, too great a risk.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

"Eh? Is that so. But Dotachin, if you want to learn the basics you can easily google them."  
>"Yeah, I know. But I figured you'd know a few nifty tricks that you could tell me. I want to impress the gang."<br>Izaya took a sip and then put aside the cup.  
>"Alright. Fair enough. Let us pretend that this table is the board and that we are about to place the pieces. What do you suppose is the most important thing?"<br>"Strategical placement?"  
>"Wrong. That doesn't matter one bit. You see, Dotachin, it doesn't matter what you do to the pieces at all as long as you are the one moving them."<br>Kadota blinked.  
>"I'm not sure I follow."<br>"The trick is to stand in the position you are now. In other words, above the board and qualified to manipulate the pieces. Only the player can do that. But toil as you might, try as you may, strive all you want, as long as you are one of the pieces then you will not even realize that you are indeed part of the game."  
>The threat was cleverly hidden under a veneer of pleasantry but Kadota suspected that this was the same tone he used with all his victims. Polite, conversational, even interested. For all Kadota knew Izaya was just as smooth and amused as he let girls jump to their death as rumor said he did. Kadota decided that he might all well see how much Izaya was willing to tell him.<br>"I don't think that'll do me much good when playing _go_."  
>Izaya laughed.<br>"Perhaps not. If you want a proper lesson then why don't you drop by my place?"  
>"Thanks, that'd be great."<br>It was much more than Kadota had hoped for. The opportunity for seeing Izaya in his natural environment was too great a chance to be missed. Without realizing it Kadota was beginning to see Izaya as something of a case study instead of an actual person. Then again, Kadota always had a hard time seeing the human element to Orihara Izaya. The irony was acute but for the time being Kadota was almost blind to it. He did his best to come across as nonchalant as Izaya saw him to the spacious living room.  
>"Quite a place you got here."<br>"Ah, you've never been here before, have you? But thanks for noticing. Shizu-chan apparently failed to notice."  
>And just like that Izaya cast some confusion into Kadota's idea of him. Never would he have guessed that Izaya would ever allow his archenemy into the inner sanctum of his territory. Kadota must have let some of this let show because Izaya's smile grew broader and he tossed himself into a plush black sofa.<br>"The chess things are in that closet."  
>Kadota was very busy trying to take in the entire architecture of the room, comparing it to what Kida had told him. No photographs, minimal and extremely expensive furniture, a subdued atmosphere that was very much like that of a high end office of a manager, the floor gleaming with the glitter of neon that edged its way through the panoramic window.<br>"Dotachin, how silly of me. You can't exactly use chess pieces to play _go_. Tsk, whatever was I thinking?"  
>Kadota was forced to let go of such appreciations to focus on Izaya himself. Suddenly, Kadota felt genuinely afraid. It did not last long. Perhaps a heartbeat but Kadota was all too aware of it.<br>"Oh, right."  
>"You must excuse me. I tend to mix board games."<br>And indeed a board standing on a glass topped table attested to this strange promiscuity.  
>"Where's the <em>go<em> stuff?"  
>Kadota did not know if he could still save some face but he had to try. And of course Izaya was ever so amicable.<br>"In the closet next to it. Bring it over here."  
>They settled in front of the low table surrounded by the sofas. Kadota expected that Izaya would settle for the desk and sit royally on his throne-like swivel chair but Izaya had something else in mind. Izaya explained the rules with indulgent patience and Kadota asked a few questions.<br>"How do you do it? Play it like that."  
>Kadota waved at the bizarrely arranged board.<br>"Dotachin, I don't suppose I can join you guys at this anime marathon?"  
>Panic flared. Kadota scratched his head through the beanie, a gesture so transparent that he cursed himself.<br>"It's a very small place and it's already fully booked with a bunch of otakus."  
>"Is that so? Such a shame."<br>"Some other time."


	10. Chapter 10

Izaya giggled and his eyes turned a sharper shade of red. It gave Kadota the distinct impression that he was being toyed with.  
>"Dotachin, are you planning on actually winning?"<br>For a breathless moment Kadota was sure that Izaya meant his research.  
>"Sure, yeah. That'd be nice."<br>"Hmm...you're not going about it the right way."  
>Another pang of borderline panic.<br>"What do you mean?"  
>"<em>Go<em> of course, _go_. That is the topic of our discussion, is it not? Or perhaps I am mistaken? You see, Dotachin, _go_ is like life. Sounds like a tired cliché, doesn't it? But there is some truth to it. Just like in life in _go_ you should always at all times aim to win. Not because it's 'nice'. I am sure that we understood each other."  
>Kadota swallowed to get rid of the uncomfortable lump in his throat. Before he could bounce back Izaya broke into a harmless and even warm smile.<br>"Let's play a bit to see how useful my lesson was. I'll take the black pieces. Name your handicap."  
>Kadota decided that he might as well take this chance. As much as Kadota wanted to keep a low profile and count on Izaya's loquacious ways, he knew that he needed to prod some.<br>"Do you pick black normally?"  
>"Of course. I prefer black."<br>"Because black moves first?"  
>Izaya picked a shiny black stone and tossed it in the air.<br>"Because it matches my jacket."  
>Kadota flailed, a bit at a loss. He felt as if he was trudging uncertain territory with shifting rules that only Izaya could fix and change at any given moment. The only thing he could do was to take in stride or at least fake it.<br>"You tend to dress in black, I've noticed."  
>"Have you now. I am flattered that my choice of wardrobe is of interest to you."<br>Kadota scanned the board and Izaya. It was impossible to carry on this conversation and pay attention to tactics. For Kadota, that was. Kadota knew that Izaya was a genius strategian but it was the first time he was seeing it firsthand. Even in this detangled environment of polite game playing.  
>"It's just that you always wear black. Kinda hard not to notice it."<br>"A bit like your beanie? But not always. I did have that one red shirt."  
>Kadota scratched his head through said beanie.<br>"Oh yeah, I was forgetting that."  
>"It matched my eyes."<br>A bout of inspiration flitted through Kadota.  
>"Is that important? Matching stuff."<br>"Hmm...I do care how I present myself, to some extent at least."  
>Izaya advanced a piece across the board, silver shining against his long fingers.<br>"How about your rings? Where do they fit in this?"  
>Kadota should have predicted it but he never saw it coming. Without lifting his eyes from the board Izaya produced his switchblade apparently out of thin air. That was how it seemed to Kadota, a sudden afterimage flashing through the air, a flicker of the wrist and there it was. The blade poised with perfect stillness even as Izaya pored over the game as if he had a vested interest in the outcome.<br>"The rings match the blade, of course. See?"  
>Kadota nodded a bit too rapidly. He wondered how long it would take Izaya to kill him with his favorite toy. A few seconds, tops. A swift slash across the throat was all it would take. He found that he could not swallow. Izaya retracted the blade and it disappeared with the same speed it appeared. Spirited away. It made Kadota think of Izaya as the grand magician conjuring up things as he pleased and making them evaporate in just the same way.<br>"My, Dotachin. You look rather pale. Let me fix you some tea."  
>Izaya sauntered off to make arrangements. Leaving Kadota alone with the board.<br>"By the way, feel free to change the pieces around. It might make it more fun."  
>He returned with aromatic Japanese green tea for two.<br>"You'd know the original positions anyway."  
>"Oh? Would I. I wonder. I wonder how <em>you<em> knew that."  
>With perfect neutrality Izaya took a sip. Kadota noticed that Izaya drank his tea in the traditional way, placing the cup on the palm of his hand and turning it around before bringing it to his lips.<br>"I just thought you'd know since you're good at _go_. I mean, you have a good memory."  
>Izaya tilted his head to the side.<br>"Do you want to see just how good?"  
>"Sure."<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

"Take that. Open it at any page. Tell which one it is."  
>Izaya pointed to the phonebook. Kadota obeyed.<br>"Page 60."  
>Izaya proceeded to prattle every single number. Kadota gasped, then became silent and almost livid. It was a good thing that Izaya monopolized everything with his smooth enumeration that was hesitation free because Kadota was not sure he could find his voice.<br>"-98989. Next page?"  
>Kadota swallowed. He felt slightly sick. And yet there was no reason to be this dismayed. But there was something nothing short of creepy in the effortless way Izaya calmly unwound number upon number and the names attached to each one.<br>"You...know the entire list by heart?"  
>"Who can tell? I suppose I could go through a few more pages but it would be boring, wouldn't it?"<br>Kadota nodded automatically. This as a clue but he did not know precisely what to make of it. Izaya served him another cup of tea. Kadota noticed that again Izaya turned his own cup before taking a sip.  
>"That's pretty...impressive."<br>Izaya giggled. So at ease and in control that Kadota was positively uncomfortable. And then suddenly Izaya turned his eyes to him with a musing look.  
>"Say, Dotachin. Do you like me?"<br>Kadota literally flinched.  
>"Wh-what?"<br>"Don't read too much into it, please. It's a very simple question. I was just wondering if you like me. I'm not about to confess my undying love for you."  
>But he might as well have been for the confusion it caused in Kadota. For all that Kadota knew it was a trick question but Izaya seemed earnest.<br>"Oh, sure. I mean, we go a long way back and all that."  
>Izaya's smile changed into sadness.<br>"In other words, you don't actually like me but you put up with me since we've known each other for such a long time. I've been wondering why you never dropped by. That settles it, then."  
>There was nothing hostile in Izaya's attitude. There was a weight on Kadota's chest and he realized what it was. For the first time Kadota felt sorry for Izaya. Genuinely sorry. He thought about the pristine apartment, the epitome of class and style and yet so utterly empty. There was no sense of a home within these walls. And he imagined Izaya playing his complicated games, playing everyone across Tokyo for his masterplan while being utterly alone.<br>"Izaya-"  
>"Thank you for at least not lying to me too much. You're too polite to tell it to my face that you don't like me but you won't pretend to like me. That's honest of you."<br>Kadota hardly knew what to say. He wanted to leave but he could not leave things standing as they were.  
>"We can hang out if you'd like."<br>"Ah. Indeed."  
>"The Van gang thinks you're really cool."<br>It sounded so pathetic that Kadota kicked himself inwardly. Izaya bounced and returned with a plate.  
>"Would you care for some cake? It's chocolate."<br>"Sure, thanks."  
>Eating was as good a way to cover up the awkward atmosphere as any other. Izaya took a portion of the cake as well. It was a rich spongey affair that oozed chocolate goodness.<br>"Good, isn't it? I got it at one of these new department stores."  
>"Yeah. It's really great. Thanks for sharing."<br>Daily routine somehow did not align with Kadota's idea of Izaya. Not even being classmates had ever given Kadota the impression that Izaya went about everyday things like everyone else. Buying groceries, paying the bills, shopping for clothes. But he saw it now.  
>"I enjoy the fine things in life. Oh, by the way. I almost forgot, if you're going to spy in front of my place try at least to stay outside the surveillance cameras' range. It makes Namie nervous to see people just hanging about."<br>Kadota choked. Izaya offered him more tea.  
>"Spying is a bit- I mean, it wasn't like that-"<br>"You were just passing by? I suppose that is possible. After all, there are so many things that are possible. For example, it is possible that you actually want to find out about _go_. It is perfectly possible that you are attending a _go_ related anime marathon. One cannot deny that it is..._possible_."  
>Kadota's blood ran cold. Any sympathy he might have had for Izaya disappeared.<br>"I should be going now- it's getting late."  
>"Bye bye, Dotachin. Take care!"<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

Izaya waved amicably. He smiled so widely that his eyes dimmed into almost invisible slits.  
>"See you later."<br>"Don't forget to tell me how the marathon went. Neh?"  
>Kadota was careful not to let the door bang on his wake but as soon as he was outside the building and outside the range of those elusive cameras he could not help but break into a run. He knew that if this encounter had been a battle, in a way it was, he had surely lost but at the same time he had gained something. Information.<br>Things were beginning to click into place. He turned a corner and slowed down. Needing time to process everything. Izaya had given him a clue, perhaps even intentionally but Kadota dismissed it for now. What Kadota saw as crucial and it came as a surprise was that he had just learned that talking could be exciting, dangerous and absolutely exhilarating.  
>This had been the first real conversation he had actually had with Izaya. Everything up to this point did not count. And realizing the power of a war of wits gave him more than an inkling into Izaya's self. It showed Kadota that one of the drives to Izaya was precisely this intellectual conflict and more, Kadota realized that he too could enjoy it. Of course now that he was out in the open and Izaya was not hovering about with half-concealed threats it was easier to breathe and to look back with a thrill of excitement but there was more to it.<br>Kadota considered Izaya's character anew. The main reason why Kadota was allowed to go about his way unhindered by Izaya, directly or indirectly, was because he did not even register on Izaya's radar. Others who did feature on Izaya's agenda found themselves bogged down in one ordeal or another, Shizuo being the most obvious example but Kadota knew that if he probed in depth he would find more victims along the way. Kadota had just shifted the status quo by putting himself dead smack in Izaya's observation field.  
>Whether that was a smart move that would pay off in the long term or something to regret was still unclear but Kadota now had something very specific to observe, namely Izaya's future actions toward him. He slowed down even more and took a seat on a bench.<br>Kadota could not tell for sure but he had the impression that somehow Izaya sympathized with him. It was not something that Kadota had ever considered before. He had attributed Izaya's lack of overt hostility to indifference but he now wondered. And just as strange was the fact that Kadota found himself seeing Izaya as relatable. Maybe even potentially likable. Going along this line of thought he considered Izaya's love life. Of course Izaya did not have a girlfriend, as far as Kadota knew he never had one. That was a given, Izaya was not one to indulge in close relationships of any kind. But there was no end to rumors about his many affairs with a plethora of girls.  
>Kadota thought about Yagiri Namie. There could be something but it was impossible to find out for sure. Either way there was nothing official and that alone was interesting. If they were indeed involved then they opted to make it secret. Kadota did not precisely know. Perhaps Namie did not want her private life to at all be made public. There were many reasons and people had no shortage of them. But all of them were rooted on the natural assumption that there was more to Namie and Izaya than a work relationship.<br>Kadota veered off in another direction. All the gossip about Izaya's many one night stands and frequent orgies were always second or even third hand information. Girls sighed as they chatted about how a friend of a friend had had the time of her life with Izaya and why did such things never happen to them, they were simply so unlucky, like totally. No one ever claimed to actually have had a sexual encounter with Izaya. There were urban legends with more direct witnesses.  
>Kadota thought back to their high school days. He had never seen Izaya do as much as look at a girl with anything other than his broad interest in human beings at large. Not even in Okinawa with so many scantily dressed women prancing about had Izaya bothered to even cast them a passing glance. Kadota could be wrong but he doubted it. Of course, Izaya could pursue whoever he pleased when no one was looking but it was odd.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

And since liking and hating were connected by being extremes Kadota decided to visit Shizuo again with a few more questions.  
>"Girlfriends? Who would want to date Izaya anyway?"<br>Shizuo sounded absolutely disgusted at the mere thought.  
>"Plenty of girls from what I've heard...but you don't know of any girl he's been involved with? As in, first hand info."<br>Shizuo frowned and tossed his cigarette into a gutter.  
>"No clue. Kadota, just what is going on? Izaya this, Izaya that. The hell, you want to date him yourself?"<br>Kadota smiled weakly.  
>"I'm just curious about him, that's all."<br>"Ruins my day even talking about that good for nothing flea. Guess there's the chick with the long hair. Isn't he doing her?"  
>"That's just it! People assume so but is there any evidence? At all?"<br>Shizuo shrugged.  
>"Maybe he's gay. Wouldn't surprise me. Gotta go now."<br>Kadota was left to consider this possibility too. He mused about it at length but there was nothing to go by. It was most frustrating since Kadota felt that he was on to something. The deeper he probed the more he found himself admiring Izaya. How he could sieve through so many rumors to get to the heart of the matter, it was not a slimy affair about pulling strings. There was a superior intellect involved and involved in whatever schemes it pursued. Kadota had always assumed that Izaya was ultimately flippant and indifferent to all things. But he now had his doubts.  
>Initially Kadota had planned to not interact directly with Izaya for a while to let the dust settle down. He ditched that plan. He did not want the thin connection he had established to thin away into nothingness. It was best to make contact, it would at the very least surprise Izaya. More, Kadota was looking forward to meeting Izaya. Not only as a chance of learning more about him but simply to have fun.<br>The same kind of fun one has at a rollercoaster.

"Dotachin? Didn't think I'd hear from you so soon."  
>"Hi, I'm calling to invite you to watch the Evangelion movie."<br>Kadota almost phrased it as a question.  
>"With the Van gang?"<br>"Oh, no. Just the two of us."  
>A moment of silence on the other side. Kadota's hand sweated as he held the phone and he was absurdly nervous. He felt that he should perhaps be consolidating all pieces into a whole since he knew that there was some important bit that Izaya had divulged, intentionally or otherwise, but that was something he could always do later. It did not cross Kadota's mind that there was some wishful thinking involved. He needed to focus on Izaya completely.<br>"Eva, you say. Which of the movies?"  
>"There's more than one?"<br>Izaya burst out laughing.  
>"How amazing, Dotachin! To think that you've been hanging out with diehard otakus for such a long time and yet never learnt something as basic as that. It must mean that you are truly friends."<br>Kadota started. He was glad that Izaya could not see him.  
>"What makes you think that?"<br>"You don't share the same interests but you still have fun together. That proves it. I assume you want to see the most recent Eva movie? They're showing it again at the Sunshine."  
>"Yeah, that one. How about Saturday?"<br>"There's a session at four."  
>"Fine by me, can you make it?"<br>Kadota imagined Izaya spinning on his swivel chair next to the weird array of game board pieces and was glad he would be meeting him on neutral ground this time around.  
>"I'll be there."<br>Izaya was indeed rotating but he came to a halt.  
>"Namie-san, what do you think about Kadota Kyouhei?"<br>She did not even look up from the laptop.  
>"Who is that?"<br>"Ah-ah. Precisely. My point exactly."


	14. Chapter 14

Izaya was already waiting for Kadota in front of the cinema. And Kadota noticed that he picked the uneven numbered seat for himself. Being unfamiliar with the Evangelion franchise apart from a general idea Kadota could not follow the movie at all. But he did enjoy the graphics and the music made them better. Topnotch animation through and through, it was a shame that Kadota could not make heads and tails out of it.  
>"Why Evangelion?"<br>It was after the movie and Izaya and Kadota sat on the bench in front of the fountain.  
>"Thought you'd like it."<br>"Because the cast of Eva is known for being rather disturbed if not downright psychotic?"  
>"I guess...I mean, don't you have a thing for humanity at its darkest?"<br>Izaya burst out laughing. Sundown haloed him.  
>"I suppose so. Thanks for inviting me. I usually go to the movies alone. This was the first time someone actually invited me."<br>"Really?"  
>"So, what did you think about the movie?"<br>Kadota noticed the not too subtle change of topic.  
>"Looked great but I didn't understand much of it."<br>"That is to be expected since you are an Evangelion virgin. You can always learn about it via your otaku buddies."  
>"Do you have the DVDs? Of the series, I mean."<br>Izaya blinked.  
>"I do but I did not bother getting the latest release. Gainax is always releasing new formats to milk the fanbase. I am sure that Erika or Walker are bound to have it."<br>Again Kadota scratched his head through the beanie.  
>"I suppose but I'm sure your opinions will be more interesting."<br>Immediately Kadota knew that this was a mistake. Izaya's friendly ways grew cold and the smile wider and sly.  
>"Ah, everyone has a theory about Eva."<br>"Seems like it."  
>"The new pilot was rather familiar. Except Mairu is considerably crazier."<br>It was Kadota's turn to laugh.  
>"Would you sister sing as she pilots a giant robot?"<br>"Without a doubt."  
>"That is pretty crazy."<br>"Dotachin, is Shizu-chan your friend?"  
>Kadota was caught aback and confused at something too close to jealousy that he did not at all expect.<br>"Sure. I'm friends with Shizuo."  
>"Why?"<br>"Why...?"  
>"What makes him your friend? Correct me if I am mistaken but doesn't he ignore you more often than not?"<br>"That's just the way Shizuo is."  
>Izaya was silent for a while, his smile cryptic and fading into nothingness. Kadota realized that without the perpetual grin in all its many variations Izaya was a very sad young man.<br>"Yet he is your friend and I am not."  
>"Oh, it's not like that."<br>As if on cue Shizuo just so happened to be taking a stroll in the area. Izaya jumped to his feet.  
>"I'm afraid I am not welcome here and must take my leave. See you later, Dotachin."<br>And with this Izaya leapt out of sight. Kadota was still trying to find him amidst the crowd but there was only a flutter of fur. Shizuo stood frowning at Kadota.  
>"That was the flea, I'm sure. What the hell is he doing here in 'bukuro when I told him-"<br>"Oh give it a break, will you?"  
>Shizuo dropped his cigarette. Kadota was surprised himself. His perspective was shifting without his being able to counter it. He thought about all the vending machines that Izaya had dodged by sheer luck and of threatened Izaya's entire existence was because Shizuo flew into fits of rate at the mere sight of him.<br>"I knew this would happen, you start talking to that louse and he'll fill your head with lies, that's what he does, don't fall for his fancy talk. He's just here to piss me off anyway."  
>"Actually I invited him."<br>"The hell...?"  
>Kadota sighed in annoyance. It occurred to him that Shizuo was far too used to never getting anyone to show any discontent around him for fear of the consequences.<br>"I was trying to have a conversation with Izaya but no more."  
>"Oy, Kadota. You gotta stay away from that bastard. I'm your friend in this."<br>Normally Shizuo did not get into such emotional talk but he felt the situation called for it. Kadota stared at him for a long time. As if seeing him for the first time.  
>"I wonder about that."<br>It crossed Kadota's mind that unlike Izaya he could not invest in digging out information about a person without becoming attached. Even if the person just so happened to be Orihara Izaya.


	15. Chapter 15

It was more a whim than anything else that led Kadota to stop by a host club to ask a few questions. He was unsure of what he expected to find but the question of Izaya's sexual orientation had taken the forefront in his research. Whether this was in any way connected with the fact that by subtle but undeniable degrees Kadota was gravitating towards a more personal investigation was not something he had contemplated.  
>Kadota was focused on unraveling Izaya's character. Further considerations felt to him as lost effort and wasted energy. Kadota could be very methodical as long as he had one thing in mind to which he dedicated his entire attention. It was this lack of a wider perspective that limited his influence as a power player. Others might deem it an intellectual shortcoming but it was merely a matter of personality.<br>But if the subject he was pursuing just so happened to have connections a bit all over the city, as Izaya did, then Kadota was just the right one to connect each dot. After all, it had taken him to this shady part of town. Neon light swooned garishly across the oily darkness across the street. Kadota took a moment to reflect on how unreal this city could be with its artificial everything.  
>Then he returned to the subject at hand as he headed to a narrow alley that ran along the back entrance of the club. There was an entire labyrinth cutting a net through the fabric of concrete and Kadota wondered if it was possible for Izaya to know his way in them all. To someone who could memorize an entire phonebook there was no telling what other feats of memory might be possible.<br>Izaya was far from being a normal person so there was no reason to assume that his sexual preferences ran along the majority's. Also, Kadota wanted to know if Izaya actually had such a thing as a sexual inclination at all. If it was true that Izaya had remained unaffected by very hot girls back in Okinawa it was also a fact that he had showed no reaction towards the many hot guys. Of course perhaps it was Izaya simply being secretive. There was no way of telling. Unless one investigated.  
>It was Friday night and already pushing into dawn. Kadota approached the club as it was about to close. He did not precisely know why a host club should be a place where Izaya picked partners for one night stands but it was as good a starting point as any other. Besides, host clubs catered to anonymous encounters of that kind.<br>As it turned out, Kadota was in luck.  
>"Orihara Izaya? Ah, the informant. Gorgeous guy, isn't he? No, I never had the pleasure of getting it on him but one of our guys has. Curse my luck."<br>"Do you have this friend's number?"  
>"Sure. If you can get him to talk, pry for Izaya's contact, will you?"<br>"I'll see what I can do."  
>"Thanks a bunch. Just drop by to let me know if you find out something."<br>Kadota scratched his head through his beanie. So it really was that simple as just asking and in a roundabout way, too. All that Kadota had asked was whether he knew Orihara Izaya. He wondered what kind of life these flashy night people lived. One in which handing out cell phone numbers to strangers was apparently routine.  
>He contacted his prospective source the following day. A fey looking fellow who immediately shook his head.<br>"That wasn't me. It was a friend of a cousin of mine that works in Roppongi. I wish it _was_ me..."  
>Kadota realized that it was the exact pattern. Female or male, Izaya's alleged partners were all misty creatures dimly connected to the person that once materialized could only forward the inquirer to another link in a chain that Kadota believed would eventually bring him to the very first link if he bothered following it long enough.<br>Still, he was not back on square one. None of the pretty boys whom Kadota had interviewed had expressed that Izaya would swing in that direction. It could be simply conceit on their part by thinking themselves irresistible but the fact remained that word on the street had it that Izaya's sexuality was as fluid as it was rampant.  
>And yet Kadota suspected that it was neither.<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

It hardly seemed possible for someone so desirable – Kadota felt more than a bit awkward as each host praised Izaya's looks in the most longing manner – could at all be promiscuous without Kadota having met a single person who had any firsthand experience on the subject.  
>For the time being he abandoned this line of thought. A bit of research informed him that there was such a thing as photographic memory. People who by simply glancing at a page would retain every single word and keep it locked in their mind for as long as they lived. It explained much but it still did not explain why Izaya had bothered with the phonebook at all. After all, he could hardly memorize that which he had never seen before and Kadota could not understand why anyone would learn by heart rows upon rows of numbers.<br>Unless Izaya did it to show off. Perhaps he pulled off this stunt every now and then to cause an impression on clients or victims (and these two were bound to overlap). But if that was so, it would have become a legend by now. Which left Kadota to wonder if Izaya was deliberately giving him a clue that he was supposed to solve on his own.

He decided to tackle Shinra next. After all, Shinra had known Izaya the longest and it was an avenue that sooner or later need be explored. Kadota was just not sure how to get around to it. As it turned out, he did not have to contact Shinra.  
>"Shizuo mumbled to Celty who told me about it. You're looking into Orihara-kun?"<br>"Something like that."  
>"Hmm...not the wisest thing to do. People who get interested in him tend to meet with mischief. As you can imagine Shizuo sort of ordered me to give you a lengthy lecture on the matter. But you're a grown man and doing such a thing feels tasteless. So, why the sudden interest?"<br>Kadota scratched his head.  
>"I can't explain it myself."<br>"My final warning: you can't 'play' Izaya without it changing you forever. I'll leave it at that."  
>Shinra was not one to argue with someone's resolution and he could tell that Kadota would not be shaken from his purpose.<br>"So, can you tell me how he was when you first met him?"  
>"Pretty much as he is now. Sleazy, always with a scheme, lurking in the shadows."<br>"You're his oldest friend, aren't you?"  
>Shinra finished a cup of coffee.<br>"No, he doesn't have any friends. I suppose I was his friend, at one point, but Orihara was never my friend. Ever."  
>It did not escape Kadota that Shinra omitted the honorific. He could discern a certain bitterness that could very well be the result of a nasty fallout.<br>"Do you think he really loves humanity?"  
>"Yes and no. Sure, he loves 'humanity' as a concept. He doesn't at all love 'humanity' in the actual people he screws over."<br>"Did he have a crush back in elementary school?"  
>Shinra looked puzzled at this particular line of questioning but he said nothing about it.<br>"Not that I know of."  
>"Would he tell you if he did?"<br>"Probably not. But if you ask me he's asexual. All the talk about his many flings is just talk."  
>"I got that impression as well...seems like you've given it some thought."<br>Kadota was surprised that it was so. It was almost disappointing that someone had beaten him to the punch.  
>"I've wondered about him. What made him the way he is. Can't say I ever found out. Maybe you'll fare better."<br>Kadota suddenly found himself very reluctant to share the information he had already acquired. But it was for a greater cause.  
>"Did you notice anything about how he feels about numbers?"<br>Shinra blinked and adjusted his glasses.  
>"I thought I was only one who had spotted that. You mean how some numbers are 'wrong'?"<br>Kadota moved forward until he was sitting at the edge of the seat.  
>"Yes, that. What is up with that?"<br>"I have no idea. But he dislikes even numbers, in some cases prime numbers freak him out and he had that paranoia with his school locker combination."  
>"Locker combination?"<br>"You didn't know about that? I suppose you wouldn't. You didn't seem to pay much attention to Orihara-kun back then. He changed his combination every week. Always on a Friday. It drove me insane with curiosity. I kept wondering what exactly he kept in the locker. Since this is Orihara-kun we're talking about. It could be just about anything from drugs to human parts in formaldehyde."


	17. Chapter 17

"Did you find out?"  
>"Oh yes. One day they had a locker search and I saw it alright."<br>"What was it?"  
>Kadota was vaguely annoyed, Shinra was obviously being reticent for effect and it was working.<br>"School stuff. Books, pencils, an extra pair of school shoes."  
>Disappointment washed over Kadota. Only now did it occur to him that had it been something strange he would of course have heard about it.<br>"That was it?"  
>"That was it. To be honest it drove me insane. Why bother changing the combination like that for no good reason? To make people think you have something hidden? That's my bet but I just can't tell for sure. But he did tell me something."<br>"What?"  
>"Why he changed it only on Fridays. 'Because it's Friday [kin'youbi], see?', he said and tapped at the locker. It took me a few moments to get it. 'Kin' as in 'metal', same stuff the locker is made of."<br>"That is...weird."  
>"And I'm not even sure he wasn't telling the truth. That's the thing with Izaya, you can never tell for sure."<br>Kadota was silent. This much was true but he had to wonder at the undertone of bitterness. Perhaps Shinra had reasons for hating Izaya as so many people seemed to have but it seemed less obvious than that. He might as well make a go for it.  
>"How do you feel about him?"<br>Shinra blinked rapidly and adjusted his glasses.  
>"He's annoying and I'd rather he did not cause so much trouble."<br>This was Kadota's cue to leave. Whatever had happened between Izaya and Shinra remained a mystery but it was tangible that something had happened. Kadota was turning this over when Celty stopped to say hello and he had to take this opportunity.  
>[Izaya? Well, he's, you know...Izaya. He creeps me out. And what is up with the nails?]<br>"Nails?"  
>[I remember he got into a row with Shizuo back at high school and dropped by our place. For treatment, I suppose, that much I get but then he got Shinra to manicure his nails! If you ask me, Izaya is just crazy. And evil. I don't like him at all]<br>Celty shivered as if the mere thought of Izaya caused her to physically cringe. Maybe it did. Kadota wondered just why Shinra would at all do such a thing but that was not something he could ask.  
>"Shizuo's been after Izaya for ages now. Don't you think it's a bit too much? I mean, throwing vending machines at someone...that's just not something a sane person would do."<br>She shook her helmet forcibly.  
>[Kadota, Izaya is an evil man. Can't you tell? The way he treats people, it's just horrible. And he uses everyone]<br>Kadota mused.  
>"Sure. But there's always an exit way. The pawns can avoid the trap. They <em>can<em>. Maybe they won't but Izaya gives them the option. I'm not saying he's an angel but it's just convenient to blame him for one's flaws and just say it's all Izaya's fault. The pieces can move themselves on the board but being hit by a vending machine doesn't leave the people the chance of doing that."  
>[Shizuo never killed anyone]<br>"Neither has Izaya."  
>[We don't know that]<br>"Maybe 'we' don't. But I do."

Kadota had to ditch the Van gang to stay home and do some research. He was engaged in this when the doorbell went off. Kadota tried to ignore it but it insisted. With a sigh he roused himself from the laptop.  
>"I told you guys, I'm busy tonight- oh, Izaya-"<br>"Hello, Dotachin. Is this a bad time?"  
>It was.<br>"No, not at all. Did something happen?"  
>Perhaps he had been too transparent in fishing out information about Izaya. Any of the hosts could give a description of him that Izaya was sure to recognize immediately.<br>"I just dropped by to share my copies of Eva the manga."  
>Kadota busied himself making room for Izaya to sit.<br>"Oh, thanks a bunch. There's a manga? I didn't know. Do you want something to drink?"  
>Kadota was aware that he was talking too fast. There was something disturbing in having Izaya smoothly placed in Kadota's own home ground. Kadota felt no advantage, he had the keep impression that Izaya was assessing everything and drawing inferences from every single object around him.<br>"Japanese tea if you have any."  
>"Sure, I'll get it done in a jiffy. Is the manga also, you know, messed up?"<br>"I will let you find out by yourself. I brought you all volumes published thus far."


	18. Chapter 18

Izaya proceeded to produce a few books from a tote back. He placed them in an orderly pile and Kadota noticed that he did not even remove them randomly, each book appeared in its proper order and was neatly stashed.  
>"It's still running?"<br>"Yes and there is no end in sight either. I suspect that even when it does end there will be a rebuild of sorts yet again."  
>Kadota handed him a cup and Izaya turned it on the palm of his hand. Such a traditional gesture in someone so outside the flow of normality. Kadota found himself fascinated by it.<br>"So you're into manga?"  
>"It depends. I am fond of a couple of titles. Evangelion, Litchi Hikari Club, Goth, Battle Royale, Narutaru, to name a few."<br>"Naruto...?"  
>Izaya giggled.<br>"Na-ru-ta-ru. It is a small difference in phonetics but all the difference of the world in terms of everything else."  
>"What's it about?"<br>"It starts off as Pokemon and then veers into Eva territory but may be even more 'messed up' as you would put it."  
>Kadota was immediately curious.<br>"That sounds pretty weird."  
>"It works remarkably well. If you want I can lend you my collection."<br>"That'd be great, thanks a lot."  
>Izaya laced his fingers together and leant forward ever so slightly. It was enough to claim domination over the environment. Then with a fluid motion that made Kadota slightly dizzy Izaya jumped to his feet and proceeded to study the neat bookshelves.<br>"You are quite a reader, aren't you? It is said that you can learn a great deal about someone by what they read."  
>"I suppose that makes sense."<br>"Indeed. But knowing what one reads is not enough. Unless you know why one reads it then you will every bit in the dark as before. Perhaps even worse, you may be led to a misconception about one's character. For example, I don't enjoy Narutaru because I am a twisted individual but because I have a keen interest in abnormal states of the human psyche when placed under duress. The world is a rather unforgiving place."  
>Just like this Izaya scattering hints strewn in cryptic allusions. And Kadota had his doubts as to whether Izaya was not indeed rather twisted.<br>"But it doesn't have to be realistic?"  
>Izaya's eyes widened slightly.<br>"A very good question. The situations in themselves, no. It is people's reactions I am interested in, be it in reality or in fiction. That is why the majority of manga is simply boring to me. Characters react according to patterns that the genre sets for them. But if the content in itself is rather dull, the expectations it creates, the fact that they resonate with the public, that is absolutely _precious_ to me."  
>It lasted only a split second but Kadota was genuinely chilled.<br>"More tea?"  
>"Why, thank you."<br>Izaya switched to harmless friendliness, turning the cup anew.  
>"People's reactions...like their behavior and what's behind what they do."<br>"Precisely. For example, suppose that there is someone trying to learn about you. The question, why is this person acting this way. There are of course many possibilities. Maybe this person wants to be friends with you albeit in a roundabout way, maybe this person is curious about just what it is that you so, maybe this person wants to take you down and needs ammunition. Who can tell?"  
>Kadota forced himself to smile. It was difficult.<br>"I guess only the person would know."  
>"I wonder about that. The person might not quite know."<br>"I don't see how that could happen..."  
>Kadota scratched his head through the beanie. The gesture was transparent, it showed that he was nervous but he could not help it.<br>"One of the most interesting things about human motivations is that they change. You start doing something for a reason and before you do it your reasons have changed. It can happen by slight degrees over years so that you don't even realize it. Or it can happen suddenly. But I assure you, Dotachin...that it does happen."  
>Izaya took a deliberately slow sip. Kadota cleared his throat.<br>"Sorry, I can't see it. Got an example?"  
>It was a risk but when cornered it was at times best to be bold. Kadota suspected that Izaya appreciated it, too.<p> 


	19. Chapter 19

"A mundane one. You begin talking to someone and wanting to find out more about a person because you want to become friends and before you know it you fall in love. I have heard that such things happen. Can't say that I've experienced it myself, though. But I am hardly the measure of average people, now am I?"  
>Kadota licked his lips.<br>"I don't think you'd be interested in that kind of thing. Since it's so normal."  
>"True. It is very normal indeed. But there is something to be said about 'normal'. It's against the pattern of 'normality' that we decide upon deviation. One might think that the two are on opposite sides but they are deeply interconnected. And what may be normal in a setting may be pure deviance in another. What is normal to a person may be absolutely outrageous for someone else."<br>Kadota made a split decision. If he had thought about it he would never have been able to say it.  
>"Like even numbers. To most people it's all the same, to some it's as if they're a barrier."<br>Izaya grew sly but Kadota was sure that he had just scored a point. Whether that was a good thing was still up in the air, though.  
>"Most human societies that have developed a higher form of civilization have created a form of numerology."<br>"You mean like 'four' being an unlucky number?"  
>"Precisely. That is a linguistic quirk peculiar to our language."<br>Kadota wondered if Izaya was hiding himself behind a barrier of sheer knowledge. But this was an unexpected opening.  
>"You know a lot of languages, don't you?"<br>"I've picked it up along the way. Tokyo is peopled by all sorts of nationalities."  
>"But it must take talent to learn them so easily."<br>"All human languages are essentially the same. Once one grasps that, it all becomes clearer."  
>"Still..."<br>Izaya finished his cup and had a refill. Again the cup turned. Kadota watched almost fascinated. It could very well be that Izaya was unable to not perform this particular ritual. Such a tiny thing but there were others. And if they accumulated they could become major obstacles.  
>"It is erroneous to see languages are primarily means of communication. "<br>"It is?"  
>"Languages are first and foremost the way in which humans think. How they process information. Mathematics is a language too in that respect. Only then does communication take place. Of course, the process is often almost simultaneous but the words you say are first formed in your mind."<br>"I never thought about it that way."  
>"But you have given it some thought, haven't you?"<br>"I guess...not in the way you have, I'm sure."  
>"Hmm...you're cleverer than you let show. That can be smart in itself but it is a rather safe way of living life."<br>"Do you like taking risks?"  
>"Calculated ones."<br>"I'm not too sure I know what it is that you do, exactly."  
>"I barter information."<br>"But what does that actually mean?"  
>Izaya smiled.<br>"A very good question. Information is a liquid commodity, it can be anything. Its content, its very nature changes how information is to be bartered."  
>"It sounds complicated."<br>"The trick is realizing that there is order amidst the chaos."  
>Kadota nodded. There was still much he did not know about Izaya but he was beginning to see that he need stay alert to patterns. Kadota needed time to process things. As if sensing this Izaya sauntered to the door.<br>"I'll walk you out."  
>"No need for that, Dotachin."<br>"Thanks for the manga."  
>"You're welcome. Your otaku friends may be a bit disappointed that you're expanding your manga horizons with me instead of them. Then again, you don't have to tell them."<br>Izaya's smile was rather sly.  
>"Why wouldn't I tell them..."<br>"That is not for me to decide. Bye now."  
>And just like that Izaya was gone. Kadota stared at newly vacant space for a long time. Sharing secrets, even if of the innocuous type, formed a certain bond. This was one of Izaya's powers, suggestion. Izaya did not issue orders, instead he planted a suggestion and had only to see how personality and circumstances worked on it to produce the desired effect. It was both subtle and blatant at the same time, a paradox that seemed to embody Izaya's very character.<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

Kadota could feel it now in his person. Nothing stopped him from giving the Van gang a call and telling them that Izaya had dropped by to lend him a few manga titles, Kadota could even discuss Eva and the rest with them but he knew he could not bring himself to do it. Without a doubt, there was an exit route but it was not one Kadota was willing to take. And this was Izaya's prime tactic of using people's peculiarities to direct them through the labyrinth of choice.

Kadota ended up checking out Litchi Hikari Club first. It was a one volume deal and he had not even heard about it so he was rather curious. He read it in one go and had to take a shower afterwards. Izaya's words echoed in his mind. More than anything it mattered why one read something. And Kadota could tell why Izaya had read this particular title. It catered to many things Izaya loved: twisted individuals, warped ideas, emotional breakdown, manipulation. But Kadota could not help wonder if Izaya viewed the sexual content from the same vantage point that he approached the violence.  
>Kadota knew that Izaya was not the violent type. Switchblade or not, if Izaya were to employ direct and overt violence it would be in self-defense. Which made him turn once more to Shizuo's rampant behavior and how it was accepted as a matter of course by his friends. It was highly unfair.<br>Kadota shook his head forcibly and told himself to snap out of it. He was straying. What he needed to do was invest in ways to unravel Izaya, not to become friends with him. Then again, getting to see things from Izaya's perspective might do more to Kadota's ultimate quest then all the pondering on weird numbers and other quirks. It might teach Kadota what the number obsession actually meant. And that was what really mattered.

"One thing's for sure, I'll never be able to look at litchi fruits the same way ever again."  
>Izaya laughed at this.<br>"Then I'm sure the manga fulfilled its purpose. The mangaka is working on a prequel."  
>"I'd like to read it. Finding out how things got to the point they did, it may be interesting."<br>Izaya nodded.  
>"Indeed. We all have our past and fictional characters, when done right, do as well. And humans are creatures dominated by their past even when they fight against it. That alone is already acknowledging the power of the past."<br>Kadota thought about their own past. There was no point in dwelling on wasted opportunities at this point.  
>"You don't seem to have changed much since high school."<br>Izaya ordered a litchi ice cream dessert. They had just finished dinner at a high end restaurant in Roppongi. At first Kadota had been intimidated by the sleek environment, white walls mellowed by shaded lamps of several colors, but soon enough he was too engrossed in Izaya's conversation.  
>"Is that so? You may have a point. I am not too keen on changing myself."<br>"Yeah. Is there a reason for that?"  
>"Perhaps I am perfect. And perfection cannot be improved upon, now can it?"<br>Izaya smiled amicably and took a spoonful of creamy ice cream. Kadota could not tell if it was a joke or not. Izaya relished in making people have to guess.  
>"Is that why you don't like even numbers? Because they're rounded and in that way, perfect?"<br>Izaya shrugged dismissively.  
>"Dotachin, I'm afraid your friends are rather worried about you. Apparently they believe that I am a nefarious influence of sorts. Who knows, maybe I'll persuade you into jumping to your death. Just kidding."<br>Izaya's smile was somewhat ambivalent.  
>"As long as I don't have to swear loyalty to you."<br>"'Zera, Zera, Zera' style? No need to worry about that. I never expect anyone to actually be loyal to me. Besides, you're Shizu-chan's buddy. That means I'll always come second place if at all."  
>"That is-"<br>"Don't worry. I won't put you in conflict of interests. But if you find yourself in such a bind it might be best to keep in mind that it was of your own doing. Not mine. Now, can I interest you in some litchi ice cream? It is very refreshing."  
>Kadota could hardly catch his breath as Izaya switched from borderline ominous to simply mischievous.<p> 


	21. Chapter 21

"I think I'll pass. Still traumatized over the litchi."  
>"Heh, I see. That's too bad. Meal is on me, Dotachin. And I wanted you to have the very best. It's not every day I get to share a meal with a quasi-friend."<br>"'Quasi-friend'? That's a strange way of putting it..."  
>"How would you put it, then?"<br>"Just...friend. 'Quasi' makes it sounds a bit..."  
>"A bit wrong? A bit as if you were just trying to gain my trust for some ulterior motive? Dotachin, have you ever heard of the 'Categorical Imperative'?"<br>"Doesn't ring a bell."  
>"It is an ethical principle enunciated by the philosopher Immanuel Kant. The precise way it is spelled out is somewhat technical: 'Act only according to that maxim hereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become an universal law' but it can boiled down to, 'treat others as an end in themselves and not as means to achieve an end'. Now, Dotachin do you think that you can say you are following this principle with me?"<br>Kadota was glad that they were in public. It helped him not to sink under dismay. Just when he began to get comfortable around Izaya, Kadota was shown the errors of his way. He decided to be vague about it.  
>"Does anyone ever actually follow it?"<br>Izaya leant over, his eyes twinkling in a disturbing manner that reminded Kadota of a snake luring its prey.  
>"Precisely. I contend that no one does. Take people who are helpful and all around dedicated to making others happy. One might think that they are indeed seeing others are ends in themselves but that is a naïve conclusion. They help people because they like doing it. It makes them happy, sends endorphins coursing through their blood and lights up the feel good centers in their brain. Ultimately, it is a selfish motivation. They delude themselves into believing that they are ever so selfless and that of course feeds the cycle. And I am not mistaken, Dotachin, you have experienced this at least on occasion. Shall you prove me wrong for once?"<br>Izaya was so sly that Kadota shivered. Kadota was not planning on reflecting about himself but Izaya could be a twisted mirror of sorts, the more one peered into it the more of oneself one saw and in the darkest colors possible.  
>"Yes, I know what you mean. Helping others makes people happy."<br>"Isn't it interesting? But Dotachin, I did not ask in general term. I asked about you in particular.  
>"It has happened to me, yeah."<br>Izaya giggled.  
>"Nothing I did not know so far, no new information. How about you indulge this instinct of yours and tell if being 'friendly' with me is your way of doing me a favor of sorts and thus a way of 'helping me'?"<br>Kadota blinked. For once Izaya was so utterly off that he did not know what to say.  
>"No, being with you is fun. I mean, I have fun."<br>"Hmm...so would you say that you 'like me' now?"  
>Izaya used air quotes and all.<br>"It's difficult to answer when you ask that way. I'd feel stupid saying that I like you when you're being so sardonic."  
>Izaya gazed off into empty space in some vague direction that was off centre from Kadota and thus made him nervous.<br>"So, do you want to be my friend for real? Be careful how you answer that, Dotachin. I can see through lies but that is not be your greatest problem. You have a conscience and rest assured it will come back to haunt you if you lie. Then again, wouldn't that be fun for me!"  
>Kadota did not get angry easily but he was angry now.<br>"Doesn't matter if I want to be friends with you or not, it's obvious you do not want to be friends with me."  
>"Oh? What else is new? Or did you truly believe that I was starved for affection and so in need of a friend?"<br>"That wasn't it."  
>Izaya relaxed into a smooth smile.<br>"Wonderful, then. Here is to us using each other for our mutual benefit."  
>He picked up a glass and offered to toast. Kadota toasted back as if in a daze, unsure of whether he had scored a point here or lost massively.<br>"By the way Dotachin, do you know why this wine is red? I mixed my blood in it and now you are part of me."  
>"Izaya-"<br>"Just kidding. But if I were to compare you with someone from the Litchi Hikari Club it might very well be Tamiya."  
>"And you're Zera...?"<br>Izaya laughed.  
>"No, not at all. I'd be the mangaka."<p> 


	22. Chapter 22

Kadota flung himself in bed as soon as he got back. He rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling in the dim room. It was as if he had been in a fight and exhausted. Invisible cuts and bruises. Because for the first time since embarking on this journey to unravel Izaya he was in pain. And yet unsure as to why it was so.  
>That Izaya was playing him much more expertly than Kadota could ever play Izaya was no surprise but Izaya had revealed a depth of selfishness to Kadota himself. Kadota resented him for that because it was not even Izaya twisted things, it was the truth. The cold harsh truth underneath all justification.<br>Kadota jumped out of bed with a start, turned on the light and paced up and down in a fit of impatience. Needing to get it out of his system. No matter how much he accused Izaya of having little respect for people, Kadota could not deny that he too had hardly treated Izaya respectfully by viewing him as something of a pet project. Arguing that Izaya deserved it did not make things any better. Izaya's claim that Kadota's conscience was a stumbling block was proving true.  
>But at the same time the more aware Kadota became of this the more he came to want to reach out to Izaya. Perhaps to appease his guilt. Kadota needed to do something. The next step was on him. It had to be and it had to be out in the open. Already he had established some basis of confidence.<br>He ended up inviting Izaya the following weekend to go on an open tour bus around the city. It was a chance of pace that he hoped would shake Izaya. But Kadota chose a route that passed through Ikebukuro in an attempt of gaining Izaya's interest. A compromise of sorts.  
>"I must say, I never thought I'd ever go on one of these. Tourist traps and all that but this is a great way of seeing the city."<br>Izaya's excitement was not a front for once. He picked an uneven numbered seat right on the front row, impatient to get started. They were almost alone on the deck.  
>"Yeah, I thought you'd like it."<br>"Quite a vantage point, too."  
>Izaya seemed utterly absorbed in the scenery despite it being very familiar to the two of them. Kadota did not have the heart to interrupt his silent reverie. It did not occur to Kadota that he was doing nothing to further his plan of pushing for a revelation. But Izaya was too carefree for Kadota not to get caught up in the pace.<br>"Ah, normally I can't see much of Ikebukuro. Shizu-chan always chases me out."  
>Kadota knew that this was not exactly true. Izaya often pranced about in his self-proclaimed favorite part of town regardless of Shizuo but Kadota remembered how Izaya had bolted last time at the park. It made Kadota feel that Izaya was persecuted.<br>"You don't have to worry about that now."  
>"How is the van gang?"<br>"They're fine. You know how they are, they live in their own world."  
>Kadota was a bit disappointed. He did not want to discuss Erika and company.<br>"Quite a dangerous thing to do. Reality is something that will deal with you if you don't deal with it. But I don't suppose you need worry about them. Theirs is a functional type of insanity."  
>"Heh, yeah."<br>"Groups of friends are very interesting in their inner dynamics. No matter how tight a circle of friends might be, there is always someone who is at the outskirts. It reinforces the remaining group's bond. You can whittle it down to a solid core of no more than two people more often than not."  
>"Really?"<br>"I wonder who is in the periphery of your gang."  
>Izaya smiled.<br>"We're all friends…"  
>"Of course. I may be mistaken. Perhaps your group is an exception to the rule. It is possible."<br>"You don't think that you are ever mistaken, do you?"  
>"Not when it matters. But making mistakes is a way of evolving.<br>But not when it matters…screwing up when it matters is a big no-no.  
>Usually people only make one crucial mistake in their lives. The others are just repercussions of that one. Inevitable ones more often than not. As you would know, you've talked to Kida."<br>Kadota started, cold apprehension filling him like a shot of frozen water to the veins.  
>"I met him the other day."<br>"A tragic person, Kida Masaomi. But he doesn't show it, does he? Laudable hypocrisy. Valuable, too. Isn't it amazing the things that human beings manage to hide? They can even lie with the truth itself."


	23. Chapter 23

Kadota had to tell himself to calm down and not to play into Izaya's hand. After all, Kida had told him that Izaya knew about their dinner together. That Izaya had suspicious seemed clear but Kadota was not about to let it upset him. Instead Kadota opted for a completely different approach.  
>"Why don't you change seats with me? I'll take the aisle seat, you'll be able to get a better view that way."<br>Kadota wondered if he caught the briefest hint of hesitation on Izaya.  
>"I am fine here."<br>"Can't go for an even numbered seat?"  
>Izaya laughed airily enough.<br>"What are you talking about?"  
>"I'm not too sure myself. Thought you'd tell me."<br>Kadota thought that he had just cornered Izaya. To his absolute surprise Izaya waved at the street below and went,  
>"Shizu-chan! Why don't you try chasing this bus? Good luck!"<br>Shizuo was standing on a corner, cigarette in hand, his stupefaction giving way to anger but not before the light changed and the bus disappeared from his sight. Izaya clapped and giggled.  
>"You don't have to tease him like that…"<br>But Kadota was smiling.  
>"True. But he deserves it. Besides, this is the first time I get to truly see this city. I was having too much fun not to get a bit carried away. Thanks for inviting me."<br>Kadota suspected that Izaya did not ever get carried away, that his provocation was deliberate and well thought out but the gratitude felt too genuine for Kadota to press any further. Izaya's prophecy regarding Kadota's conscience being his shortcoming might very well prove right.  
>"What do you like the best about Ikebukuro?"<br>"Its energy. Fashionable but not too high-end, eclectic in its mix of people. You could say it's a sample of the world."  
>"A world without barriers…"<br>This did startle Izaya. He was unbalanced for a split second but Kadota noticed it because he was looking for it.  
>"My, Dotachin. I always suspected that you had ideas but if you don't tell anyone about them one can hardly know for sure."<br>"Do you share your ideas, then?"  
>"All the time. What can I say, I'm a giver, not a taker."<br>Izaya shrugged nonchalantly.  
>"And people get what you're saying?"<br>"Heh, it depends."  
>"Isn't the point of talking to communicate? If people don't understand it then what's the point? Ego boost?"<br>"Are you accusing me of being an egotist?"  
>"I'm just asking."<br>"The question is, what is more honest: to speak out and risking being misunderstood or to not speak at all and withhold everything from others?"  
>"What are you saying?"<br>Izaya looked at the busy grid of traffic lights turning in their perfectly timed schedule that was a perfect icon of order. Chaos was illusory, he overcame it by seeing through it.  
>"Dotachin, do you think your friends and the people around you know you well?"<br>Kadota scratched his head through the beanie.  
>"I guess."<br>"I wonder if they do."  
>It was a classic case of diversion but it worked. Izaya breezily shifted the focus from himself to Kadota.<br>"I don't think there's much to know."  
>"Then you're not human."<br>"I was forgetting that all humans are interesting to you."  
>Izaya turned his attention to Kadota.<br>"I am not sure you are telling the truth. No matter."  
>"What do you mean?"<br>"I could be wrong, of course, but it seems to be you are selling yourself short on purpose to deceive me. Something along the lines of, 'Let him think that I'm not a threat'? I don't hold it against you, Dotachin."  
>Izaya's smile was beautiful and it annoyed Kadota.<br>"You're not even giving me a chance here."  
>"A chance, you say?"<br>"Of being your friend."  
>"Ah. That. One can say that I am lacking in that department."<br>"Strange, since you talk to so many people."  
>Izaya regarded him silently for a long time, long enough to make Kadota feel extremely uncomfortable. Then he shook his head.<br>"It is exactly because I talk to so many people. You can't be friends with those you unravel. That's something I'm sure you're bound to realize soon enough."  
>"I don't know what you're talking-"<br>"Don't bother, Dotachin. You aren't fooling me."


	24. Chapter 24

The suddenly clipped tone caught Kadota by surprise. Izaya was almost hostile and Kadota had a distinct mental image of a scrawny kid always guarded, suspiciously looking at the world through a chasm of isolation, growing up to become a polished smooth young man that carried the same fearful apprehension inside. All of Izaya's sophisticated intellectual maneuvers did not fill this emptiness, it merely rationalized it into becoming even more difficult to bridge.  
>"Believe it or not, I do want to be your friend."<br>Kadota expected more antagonism. Instead Izaya relaxed into his seat and nodded.  
>"As long as you know where we stand on this."<br>More than ever Kadota had no idea precisely where they stood but Izaya seemed pacified. As if scripted just as the bus tour came to an end and Izaya was skipping to the pavement, they ran into Erika and Walker.  
>"Dotachin, hello! Oh, and isn't that Izaya-san."<br>"Indeed it is!"  
>Kadota hardly knew what to say. It crossed his mind that Izaya might just ask about the nonexistent anime marathon.<br>"What are you guys doing here?"  
>Erika rummaged through a bunch of bags.<br>"Just dropped by Otome road and stocked up on some new hot items. Tiger and Bunny is all the rage now!"  
>Kadota hoped that their crazy otaku ways would monopolize the conversation but of course it was not to be. Walker turned to them.<br>"So rare to see you two together."  
>"Could romance be in the air!"<br>Izaya giggled, Walker's eyes disappeared in his ominous fox-like grin, Kadota sighed.  
>"This is real life, Erika."<br>"Hmm…why were you together, then?"  
>"Enquiring minds ask!"<br>Izaya came to the rescue.  
>"Dotachin here just took me on a tour around Ikebukuro."<br>Erika elbowed Walker roughly and dragged him away, a hint of conspiracy in her manner.  
>"Let's leave the two love birds alone! See you guys later!"<br>"Oh, let's go on a Yotsuba binge!"  
>And just like that they disappeared around a corner. Kadota was still thanking his lucky stars that the pair was gone so Izaya's chuckle caught him off guard.<br>"It must be wonderful to live in a world of one's own like they do."  
>"You think?"<br>"Of course, Dotachin. It is a kind of freedom. One that is based on misconceptions but still. There is no such thing as perfect freedom."  
>They drifted to a nearby park and took a seat side by side.<br>"All people have their limitations, I guess."  
>"It is more than that. People are defined by their limitations as much as they are by everything else."<br>"Examples?"  
>"Take an extreme example: the <em>hikikomori<em> phenomenon. These are people who cannot leave their own houses, how much the condition is self-inflicted is open to speculation and varies from case to case but the fact remains that their entire lives are defined by this own great handicap. Even if they may disagree."  
>"A bit like blind people."<br>"Yes, to some extent. Except there is no social stigma to being blind. Personally, I find people with greater limitations to be fascinating. Not in the limitations themselves but in how they compensate and develop methods of not just bypassing but overcoming. Quite a testimony to the value of humanity."  
>"What are your limitations?"<br>Izaya fastened his eyes in some far off point, an abstract smile briefly touching his lips.  
>"That's what this is all about, isn't it? I'm sorry but I'm afraid I won't just hand out that kind of information. Work for it if you really want to know."<br>Kadota was silent for a while, assessing his options.  
>"Imagine that you found yourself on Battle Royale, what would you do?"<br>"Wonderful question. Easily answered: I'd win."  
>"But how?"<br>"Ah, you mean would I go the roundabout way and try to hack the program or go the Kiriyama route?"  
>"Yes, what would you do?"<br>Izaya tapped a finger on his chin, a few taps, then laced his fingers together.  
>"Since I am something of a mastermind of sorts it might follow that I would come up with some complicated plan to overthrow the program. But there is only one sure way of coming out alive from Battle Royale and that is to be the last one standing. And that is precisely what I would do."<br>Izaya looked him straight in the eyes and Kadota knew that he meant it.  
>"You'd kill everyone?"<p> 


	25. Chapter 25

"No, don't forget the rules of Battle Royale: it does not matter how many people you kill but that you are the last one alive."  
>"You'd manipulate everyone else, get them to kill one another."<br>"Correct! You get a cookie."  
>And to Kadota's astonishment Izaya actually offered him a cookie. Kadota took it.<br>"Battle Royale involved 9th graders but I'm imagining our high school class instead…I can see you winning the whole thing hands down."  
>"My problem would be that others would surely see it that way too. Namely Shizu-chan and Shinra both of which would happily team up to eradicate me."<br>"You think?"  
>"I have no doubt. Look around, Dotachin. What do you see? People in a peaceful environment going about their daily business. But if the parameters were to shift these same people could easily turn on one another. You could say that the veneer of civilization is thin, an acquired mechanism that the human species drops when brought back to the basics of survival. But it might be more than that. After all, civilization requires life and there are circumstances that demand one to kill in order to live.<br>Our class would be no exception. It might even be more aggressive than most of you consider Shizu-chan."  
>"Shizuo doesn't kill people, though."<br>"Not normally. In Battle Royale it'd be different. The only reason why he hasn't killed anyone so far is luck. Rest assured that as far as psychology goes he is a killer."  
>Kadota had his serious doubts. Izaya apparently sensed this because he added,<br>"Then again I don't expect you to take my word for it. Since I am biased. My hatred is hardly irrational as he has attacked me repeatedly. Shizu-chan is just as bias but his opinion about me is taken for gospel, though. One cannot expect the world to be fair."  
>"Like Battle Royale, some people get submachines and others get a boomerang."<br>"Indeed. In a very distorted way Battle Royale is supposed to represent the world. And what would you do if you found yourself in the program?"  
>Kadota thought about it.<br>"I'm not sure. I'd freak out, that's for sure. I guess I'd try to beat the system."  
>"That would be my guess as well. At least I don't think you'd join the hunt-down-Orihara-Izaya militia."<br>Kadota saw some progress in this.  
>"I wouldn't do that, no. Do you think they'd try to recruit me?"<br>"Oh yes. They would most definitely do that. One thing they'd hate is for us to team up. Although I doubt they'd consider it possible. And you don't even have to go for such an extreme scenario as BR. Shinra and Shizuo are hardly happy that you've been spending so much time with me. Expect some 'friendly advice' if you haven't received it already."  
>It crossed Kadota's mind that the reason why Izaya at all bothered with him was simply to annoy Shizuo. But he discarded it almost right away. Izaya had an agenda of his own and Kadota doubted it even concerned others.<br>"Even if they did recruit me there's not much I could do. In Battle Royale, I mean."  
>"Not too sure about that. You could easily win the whole thing. No one would suspect you or see you as a threat. Unlike me, who everyone would target right away. I suspect not a single student other than me would at all take into consideration that your strategy skills may come into play."<br>Kadota blinked.  
>"You think I have strategy skills?"<br>"I know you do. The question is whether you'd put them to good use or be too overwhelmed by the whole situation."  
>"You may have a point…"<br>Izaya bounced to his feet and slipped his hands into the jacket pockets, leaning forward slightly.  
>"What do you think of <em>shogi<em>?"  
>"Can't say I know how to play."<br>"Do you want me to teach you how to play? In case there is a _shogi_ related anime marathon coming up."  
>"I'd like that."<br>"Wonderful. I'll text you the address to a place I know."  
>"Can't we just play at your place?"<br>"Call it a change of pace if you will."  
>Kadota could not help feeling an undertow of threat.<br>"Okay, sure."  
>"I had a lot of fun today, Dotachin."<br>Izaya gave him one of his brilliant smiles. It transformed him completely.  
>"Don't mention it."<br>"Tell you what, since I am free to roam Ikebukuro for once I'll go hit the crane machines."  
>"You want a plush toy?"<br>"It is part of the Ikebukuro experience and I know a trick."  
>"I thought those things were rigged."<br>"And they are."


	26. Chapter 26

"What trick?"  
>"Very simple. We do nothing."<br>Izaya led the way to one of the many amusement centers.  
>"Say what?"<br>"You heard me. We do nothing at all."  
>"How do we win anything, then…?"<br>Izaya did a quick survey of the many machines with their adorably useless items then waltzed to one of these. Beyond a glass partition a wealth of colorful round shaped birdies stared at them with tiny beady eyes as if begging for someone to snatch them up. And some fellow was in earnest trying to do just that. As they approached a blue bird fell from a crane.  
>"Saw that, Dotachin? The cranes are calibrated so as to drop things. So aiming to actually pick them up is a mistake but an intuitive one. You can only edge toys closer to the drop zone and that takes a lot of tries and of course a lot of money."<br>"I got that idea as well."  
>"If you think about it, it's a highly profitable business. Each toy sells at an absurdly inflated price. Our trick is to exploit that it is rigged."<br>"I don't follow…"  
>"How do these places make money? Out of people who pour coins upon coins to win exclusive but toys that are produced almost at cost zero. Here lies the margin of profit but there is more to it. Not everyone actually manages to win a toy. Their money may run out, frustration may kick in or sanity may return. Either way, their loss is most definitely our gain. So we do nothing."<br>And true to his word Izaya pranced across the street to a spot where he could watch the action on the machines. Kadota was a bit puzzled, apparently Izaya was content just standing by, watching. Just when Kadota was about to ask what the strategy was Izaya suddenly dashed across the street just as the player turned his back to exchange bills for more coins. Kadota followed on his heels. Izaya gripped the newly abandoned commands and pushed two bottoms.  
>A blue bird fell on the drop zone. Izaya smiled as if his prize was a national treasure. Staff cheered and jingled loud bells. Izaya refused the bag offered and hugged the plushie.<br>"I want to show the spoils of war."  
>"Hey! That's my bird!"<br>The smiley staff immediately closed ranks, protecting Izaya against the grudging costumer. Izaya was not in the mood for a confrontation so he hopped away, exhibiting the plushie.  
>"That was playing dirty."<br>"The toys that are further back can only be targeted in vain. So you need someone to work on the toys closer to you until they are within reach. Then wait until they have to leave the machine for some reason and go for it yourself. It is not a full proof but increases the odds considerably."  
>They made their way down Sunshine road at the end of which Izaya sat on the railing around a tree. He placed the bird on his knees and petted its head.<br>"I can see why the guy was so mad. He must've wasted a lot of money for no good reason."  
>"Another proof that life is not fair and again it is like Battle Royale: it does not matter how many coins you feed the machine but that you are the one to snatch a prize."<br>"Probably more than he should have. It won't do to wait too long for someone to nearly go bankrupt since time is money as well. It is all a matter of timing, to find a sucker who has been at it for a while and to capitalize on the right moment to seize the commands."  
>Kadota smiled.<br>"Want to grab a sundae or something? There's a really cool store close by."  
>"I do not care for sweet things but count me in if they have some Japanese green tea."<br>They headed for the place suggested by Kadota.  
>"You really like this tea."<br>"The flavor profile is well balanced. It has been perfected until it is flawless."  
>And Izaya turned the cup around in his trademark gesture. It occurred to Kadota that only he saw it as at all defining Izaya, others had most likely failed to even notice it.<br>"I never thought of it that way but I guess they made it better with time."  
>"You can think of it as the result of the collective work of many generations. In that regard it testifies to the ingenuity of humanity as a whole and of the Japanese spirit in particular."<br>"And I thought it was just a drink."  
>"It is so much more. And of course delicious."<p> 


	27. Chapter 27

"Heh, yeah. Not too sweet, guess that makes it better for you."  
>"Indeed."<br>Izaya held the cup with two hands and peered at Kadota from over the rim.  
>"That way you'll never get fat."<br>"Dotachin, being with you like this is almost like a date."  
>Kadota choked on his drink even if he knew that he should not at all let Izaya to get to him.<br>"A date…?"  
>"On the surface. After all, I am interested in your interest in me."<br>"Funny way of putting it."  
>"Funny situation we find ourselves in."<br>There was no denying that it was so. Once it was pointed out to him Kadota could not possibly miss the date undertones.  
>"I guess."<br>"Either way, I had a world of fun today so I am giving this to you."  
>Izaya petted the plush toy's head.<br>"Are you sure?"  
>"Positive. And I am sure that Maeterlinck would agree."<br>"You mean Blue Bird?"  
>Izaya's eyes flashed momentarily.<br>"I believe I saw a copy of the play at your place. I am very fond of it."  
>"Why?"<br>"You figure it out, Dotachin. You've read the play, you are trying to read me. Put the two together to the best of your ability."  
>Izaya seemed to enjoy to wrap himself in enigma.<br>"Quite a task there."  
>"I am curious as to what you come up with."<br>"You are right that it doesn't just matter what a person reads but why they read it."  
>"So you've got your work cut out for you."<br>"And cages are the ultimate barriers…"  
>Kadota was so caught up in this new idea that he did not notice Izaya starting.<br>"So they are. It is wonderful for us to search for the Blue Bird but what is in it for the Blue Bird?"  
>"That's a good point…I never thought of it that way."<br>"It's a case of shifting perspective. The object becomes the subject. To you I am an object and you the subject."  
>Kadota gave this some serious thought. Just a few days prior he would have dismissed it as Izaya being overly verbose and on an ego trip but he was learning that there was indeed something to Izaya's point of view. Past the witty arrogance and tendency for sarcasm there was real insight to be gained.<br>"It's not like that, at least not anymore."  
>"Oh? So your opinion of me has changed?"<br>"You could say that. That is why I want to become your friend."  
>"Ah and this is the part where I say something to the effect of 'But Dotachin, we're already friends!' and we hug happily?"<br>"It won't go that way."  
>"True. Remember what I said about how everyone is always at the fringes in a group of friends?"<br>"Yes, what about it?"  
>"Haven't you wondered how that works in a couple? There are only two people to a couple – discounting those open relationships that are more common now – so how does my theory apply?"<br>"I'm not too sure. I don't suppose someone can be at the fringes…"  
>"I would not say that. In a way, a relationship is something of a mental construct as much as anything else. So it is possible for one of the parties to be less incorporated in it than the other. Both parties may be equally alienated, even. "<br>"There is that, I guess."  
>"More interestingly though is what happens when both parties are fully in the core of the relationship for lack of a better word. And more often than not what happens is a case of extreme burnout. Haven't you ever wondered why those couples who seem the most in love when they get married are the ones more likely to get divorced? They were both too involved with no wiggle room and the mental construct overwhelmed them."<br>"That's a cynical way of looking at things…how about love?"  
>Izaya blinked.<br>"Love? What about it?"  
>"Doesn't it play a role?"<br>To Kadota's surprise Izaya merely shrugged.  
>"I can hardly say."<br>Kadota wanted to ask just how Izaya could understand humanity without touching upon the subject of love. What he asked was considerably different, however.  
>"Have you ever been in love yourself?"<br>"I always stay at the fringes. That means 'no'."  
>Kadota could feel the mood changing and yet Izaya did not appear at all bothered. Maybe that bothered Kadota more than anything else. Izaya's lack of interest was not feigned and Kadota wondered if it might be an inability to actually feel love. Kadota found it sad and strangely, disappointing.<br>"Your priorities must lie elsewhere."  
>"You know that they do. Don't yours as well? I never knew you to have a girlfriend and I am quite sure I'd know if you did get one."<p> 


	28. Chapter 28

Kadota was somewhat intimidated without quite understanding why.  
>"Because you keep tabs on people?"<br>"Because I make it my business to know."  
>"I should've seen that coming."<br>"You live and learn."  
>It just so happened that this was Kadota's plan to start with.<p>

That night Izaya waited until traffic had ebbed away to visit one of his favorite intersections. He skipped on a zebra crossing, stepping only on the uneven white stripes, arms swinging by his side as makeshift wings.  
>Izaya was supremely happy. Normally he had to cultivate this feeling, a rarefied emotion but at this moment as he made his way between the neon flooded borders of the pavements, he experienced a purer form of happiness. One that did not require an effort but seemed to flow to him naturally.<br>He arrived at the opposing pavement only to turn around immediately and retreat in the same manner, skipping merrily. Opportunities for delving into the heart of humanity would always abound but a chance for connecting more personally was an absolute novelty to Izaya. He repeated the route until his sense of numerological harmony was satisfied and took a deep breath of night air.  
>The traffic lights turned when they should, green, red, green, red. Izaya's thought took a turn for the lofty: the secret order of the world revealed to him alone. Intellectual joy mingled with something warmer and more difficult to define. Izaya was tempted to give Shizuo a call and rile him but decided against it. Things were too perfect to bother.<br>Back in his apartment Izaya spun a few times on his swivel chair before preparing for sleep. Which meant checking if every object was in its proper place in the bedroom. Not that he ever misplaced anything but it gave him a deep sense of relief to confirm that order was maintained as he saw fit.  
>He drifted asleep just as he reached 984, like many other he ran numbers through his mind to ease it into slumber. Except Izaya skipped prime numbers. At 982 he fleetingly thought of Kadota and his smile lingered in his sleep.<p>

True to his word Izaya texted Kadota an address. Kadota was not familiar with the place and he became more than a bit apprehensive as he arrived at a narrow backstreet near the river. The neighborhood was nondescript if not from the nearly completed skeleton of Sky Tree dominating the horizon with its imposing vertical presence.  
>"Hi there, Dotachin. This way."<br>Izaya stepped from an alley and led the way.  
>"Where are we going?"<br>"Don't worry, it isn't a shady place at all. It is a hundred per cent legit."  
>"Right."<br>And yet Kadota was sure that Izaya had picked an unfamiliar part of town to make him uncomfortable. It succeeded, too.  
>"Here we are."<br>Here just so happened to be a very discreet door that opened to a steep flight of stairs descending into dimness. Just when Kadota's suspicious were reaching a critical level Izaya swung another door and they found themselves in a large room filled with tables, subdued voices and a large crowd intent on many a board on which pieces were thoughtfully moved.  
>"It's a bit out of the way but all the best players assemble here."<br>Kadota noticed that the majority of people were old men one of which now approached him.  
>"Long time no see, Izaya-kun."<br>"Hi there."  
>"You brought a friend? How unusual."<br>"Something like that. Don't mind us, we'll just be watching."  
>Kadora watched in growing surprise as Izaya was greeted by others.<br>"You're pretty popular by the looks of it."  
>"And that doesn't go with the idea you have of me? I'm something of a regular here."<br>Izaya perched himself on the highest tier of a gallery that ran around the entire perimeter.  
>"Didn't think you'd be into this kind of place."<br>"It may look rather dingy but these people take the game seriously. Can't you feel it by looking at them? Between them they have centuries of experience of _shogi_.To waste the accumulated knowhow of prior generations is not profitable."  
>"Right…I see your point. So, how am I expected to learn how to play?"<br>Izaya smiled and folded his arms.  
>"This time we are doing things a bit differently. I already taught you the rules to <em>go<em> and as fun as it might have been it was hardly challenging. Observe, observe and observe. From that extract the rules of the game."


	29. Chapter 29

"I can't do that."  
>It sounded absurd on many levels. Kadota was not a genius and he did not appreciate this not too subtle form of trolling as he viewed it.<br>"If you decide that it is impossible then it becomes so regardless of whether it was so in the first place or not."  
>"I don't follow,"<br>"Yes you do. Trust me a bit, Dotachin. Give it a try. I assure you that in the end it will be worth it."  
>Kadota sank into sullen silence. He needed all of his attention if he had any hope of grasping the basics of the game. And Kadota wanted to prove to Izaya that he could do it, the contradiction did not even occur to him. Izaya smiled sweetly since he was sheltered from observation: Kadota was too focused to even notice. This was a kind of invisibility that Izaya treasured, it boosted his sense of being superior. Izaya was amused.<br>As Kadota applied himself to discerning the mechanics of shogi, Izaya applied himself to Kadota. Ever since Kadota had barged into Izaya's routine things had changed not just in an abstract way by changing Izaya's perspective but in a way Izaya could not pin down. He realized it now as he saw Kadota frown at a move and rub his head through the perennial beanie: it was an element of fun that Kadota had introduced into Izaya's life.  
>Not the kind of solitary fun to which Izaya was used to but a different kind altogether. Izaya looked forward to spending time with Kadota and not just because it was great to see Kadota scramble. Izaya lost himself momentarily in such reflections.<br>"It's like chess, isn't it?"  
>Izaya nodded.<br>"It will probably help to keep chess as a reference. All games are essentially the same."  
>Kadota almost forgot about Izaya as he strained to realize the rules behind apparently random movements on the board. Kadota did not even notice his phone ringing.<br>"Aren't you going to take that?"  
>"Sure,"<br>But Kadota picked it up and spoke into the phone in a most abstracted way. Izaya smiled happily. For a long time there was silence between them. At length Kadota interrupted it.  
>"I think I got the basics...or most of them."<br>"Wonderful. Shall we play a round?"  
>"I think I'll make a fool out of myself..."<br>"Do not worry. The people here are diehard players and they're happy to see new blood."  
>Kadota was still reluctant to take a place on the game area but as soon as a table cleared Izaya sat down and motioned him to join him. Before they started a small crowd dropped by to greet Izaya and to challenge him for a game. Izaya turned them down amicably.<br>"You really very popular."  
>"I'm the running champion here."<br>"You could turn pro."  
>Izaya laughed. Kadota enjoyed seeing him so carefree without covert menaces.<br>"That would be interesting but I'll pass."  
>Izaya corrected a few of Kadota's moves.<br>"I thought I knew the rules by now."  
>"You know enough, Dotachin. This strategy I picked for you has some perks. You may not have a complete domain of the rules but the moves you have mastered will become second nature. This way you can assimilate the mechanics of the game bit by bit."<br>"I see, the learning process brings me closer to understanding the game from the inside."  
>"Exactly. But remember that to be a player you must always remain outside the game just like God is outside of time."<br>In the end Izaya won every round. Only when they were about to leave did some of the old timers approach Kadota.  
>"It's the first time Izaya-kun brings a friend here."<br>Kadota was somewhat embarrassed and not even sure why. Izaya was busy chatting with another man as if deliberately leaving Kadota to talk to the players on his own.  
>"He invited me."<br>"We're glad that Izaya-kun has friends. He always seemed something of a loner. And that's not good with young folk."  
>It amused Kadota how Izaya and him were regarded as little more than children. It was a matter of perspective.<p>

Back on the street Izaya skipped a few steps ahead. Kadota followed deep in thought.  
>"Did you have fun, Dotachin?"<br>"Yeah. A lot of fun."  
>Kadota could see the furry trim of Izaya's hood bobbing up and down. Izaya's arms were outstretched, whether for effect or for balance was difficult to tell.<br>"I like it how no one knows I am in the shogi parlor."  
>"But you told them your real name."<p> 


	30. Chapter 30

"So I did. But to them 'Orihara Izaya' does not mean anything other than 'smart kid, a bit weird, loves shogi and is friendly'. And if they were to learn just who I am they would not care one bit. It would be irrelevant to them."  
>Kadota had just seen how friendly Izaya could in fact be. In the way Izaya interacted with the shogi players Kadota had seen a genuine amicable attitude. It made Izaya charming and also very cute.<br>Kadota was considering this as he watched Izaya skipping, it reminded him of something. Then it clicked.  
>"I guess this is what they call <em>moe<em>."  
>Izaya blinked a few times. Then he giggled until he was flat out laughing.<br>"_Moe_! What, me? Moe!zaya? Heh, you've been spending too much time with your otaku friends for sure. Do you feel like taking me home and protecting me from this big bad world?"  
>Kadota was shocked to realize he did indeed want that. It was double shocking in its suddenness. Like finding out some major unexpected change had come about and yet it had been building up by degrees.<br>"It's the way you were running around just now."  
>"Ah, is this when I trip and fall flat on my face? I'm afraid that's not going to happen. I cannot afford to fall, if I did everyone would walk all over me. And if I were to fall on Shizu's rampaging route I'd be dead."<br>"That's a frightening way of seeing things...I'd help you back your feet."  
>Izaya bowed with a flourish. But all hints of playfulness were gone when he faced Kadota again.<br>"Are you asking me to trust you?"  
>Kadota hardly knew how to answer. He made a decision on the spot.<br>"Would that be so strange?"  
>"It just so happened that I am very well acquainted with trust. You can even say that I am the most trusted person in Tokyo."<br>"Really?"  
>Izaya giggled at the tone of unbelief.<br>"You don't sound too convinced, Dotaching. I do not blame you but I am correct in my assessment. Would you buy information that you believed to be wrong?"  
>"I see what you mean. So you only sell correct info? That makes sense."<br>Suddenly Izaya bridged the gap between them and was standing far too close, leaning into Kadota's personal space and imposing on it. Izaya did this with gusto as a challenge to his shortcomings and took secret pride in being able to appear so nonchalant when it was something of an effort to be within reach of another human being. It was exhilarating.  
>And it succeeded in upsetting Kadota but in a confused way that Kadota could not quite pin down.<br>"I did not say that. Perhaps I lie. Or more to the point, perhaps I provide partially correct information. What matters is that my client believes in the truth value of the information purchased from me: before, during, and after the transaction."  
>"Should you be telling me all this?"<br>Kadota knew that Izaya was unfolding vital insight but there was something disappointing in this. A few weeks ago Kadota would have jumped to this as to what he was seeking in Izaya but now it felt like it was not enough.  
>"Don't worry, I'm not about to kill you to keep my secret. It is not a secret, anyone who bothered thinking about what I do and how I do it would have realized it. And even if you told people it would change nothing. The trust I offer is warranted because the truth I tell is the truth the person needs."<br>"But you don't tell your costumers all this, I bet."  
>"True."<br>"You rely on being trusted but don't trust anyone."  
>"Right again."<br>A sense of urgency took over Kadota.  
>"This trust you speak of, it doesn't make people like you."<br>Izaya stepped back, hands deep in his pockets and smiled.  
>"No one actually likes me, Dotachin. You should know this by now."<br>Kadota reached a decision that seemed both extremely abrupt and yet the cumulative result of many things.  
>"I could tell you that I like you but it's not as if you'd believe me."<br>"Heh, indeed I wouldn't-"  
>This time it was Kadota who stepped into the other's personal space but he did not stop at simply disrupting social convention. What Kadota did was cast a light kiss on Izaya's lips.<br>Before Kadota could come to terms with what he had just done, a blade was pressed against his throat.  
>"If this is your idea of showing you 'like' me, this is my way to telling you to back off before I make an exception to my no killing policy."<p> 


	31. Chapter 31

Kadota did not even dare swallow lest the sharp edge bit into his skin.  
>"I didn't mean to make you mad,"<br>"Oh really? You expected me to go weak at the knees?"  
>"No, but I didn't think you'd lose your cool like this."<br>Izaya smiled. Kadota wondered if this smile was not the last thing those unhappy souls had seen before plunging to their deaths.  
>"Self-defense comes first, even if it is uncool."<br>"Self-defense...? I didn't hit you-"  
>"You have compromised my physical integrity."<br>At this Kadota blinked. Fear had a dizzying effect but at the same time he felt strangely calm and composed. Enough to wonder at Izaya's odd choice of words. There was something odd about how Izaya's vocabulary suddenly took a turn for the artificial.  
>"You're the one holding a knife to my neck, Izaya."<br>"Abusing one's trust is rather dishonest. I thought you would not stoop to such tactics."  
>"Does that mean you trusted me?"<br>"I am sure you counted on that to better undermine me. Very thorough of you, I must say."  
>At this Kadota balled his hands into fists and stared Izaya in the eyes, even if that meant that the blade slid dangerously. After all, he had nothing to lose.<br>"I'm not playing a game, I just did what I felt was right. If you're going to slit my throat then that's that, nothing I can do about it. But I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm not _against_ you."  
>"That would make you a minority of one."<br>"Fine, then I'm a minority of one. I kissed you because- because-"  
>No words occurred to Kadota, much to his horror. Just when he needed to reason with Izaya the most. And just when Kadota was sure that a crisis was at hand, his heartbeat pounding with unnatural heaviness, Izaya retracted the switchblade and pointedly stepped backwards.<br>"You are not worth killing, Kadota."  
>Kadota realized that he did not remember ever being addressed as such by Izaya. And if murderous intent had chilled him through and through, there was something deeply personal in it. But this cold indifference was painful to endure.<br>"Izaya-"  
>"I am out of here. Do not contact me again. I am done talking to you."<br>"Why not? Shizuo throws vending machines at you and you still talk to him but I kiss you and it's suddenly 'go away'? Is a kiss worse than trying to kill you?"  
>"At least Shizu-chan never put on a pretense of caring for me."<br>"Don't leave-"  
>Izaya had already spun on his heels. Kadota could not afford to let him leave on this note or else all would be lost.<br>"Was that your first kiss? Is that why you're so riled-"  
>"Haven't you been snooping around long enough to know that's hardly possible?"<br>Izaya halted on his tracks and spoke without turning around.  
>"I've asked around, I had to- I mean, I wanted to know what kind of people you were into-"<br>"I love humanity. It suffices to leave it at that."  
>"Stop saying that! 'Love humanity', that's like saying 'I don't love anyone in particular'. And since we're getting all the cards on the table like this, I don't believe any of those people ever did anything with you. They'd want to but they always invoked some third party who did it with you, when I got to that third party I was forwarded to someone else and so forth...that tells me it's all a farse."<br>Izaya turned around then.  
>"Oh? You are analyzing information now? I better watch out before you become competition."<br>Kadota took a step forward. Fully conscious that Izaya could easily throw the knife at him in such a way as to be lethal.  
>"Don't do this. I'd rather you get angry, I suppose you have a right to that – even thought you've been teasing me on purpose – but don't act like this is just business as usual and that I'm another of your enemies that's not even worth getting of."<br>"You'd prefer I killed you, then?"  
>"I'd prefer if you took me seriously. Because you were seriously affected just now."<br>"Kadota, you do not want to play this game with me. Trust me on this. I can crush you."  
>"I'm not trying to win, I don't want to bring you down either. This isn't a conflict- it's not one for me."<br>"Are you telling me you don't have an agenda?"  
>"If I've got one – something you'd call an 'agenda' – It's to know you better and as of late to make you like me. Because I like you, Izaya. Take 'like' as you wish."<p> 


	32. Chapter 32

"Oh? You keep going on about 'knowing me'. I suppose you mean that in the biblical sense? Given that you 'like' me."  
>"Drop the air quotes. What are you so afraid of?"<br>"In case you haven't noticed I'm not the one at a disadvantage here."  
>"All the more reason for you not to be afraid but you are."<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"You are giving yourself far too much importance."<br>"Only because you've given me enough importance to spent time with me-"  
>"I spend time with a lot of people that are not in themselves all that relevant. It's not about the individual pieces on the boards but how each affects the rest."<br>"Okay, fine. So what can this piece that is 'Dotachin' achieve that matters in your grand scheme?"  
>"If I told you it would be a self-fulfilling prophecy whether directly or by inversion."<br>"And if I tell you that you're important to me, what would that be?"  
>Izaya shrugged.<br>"That would be your trying to lure me into a false sense of security. Abusing my trust-"  
>"That's what you'd like to think, isn't it? Because that you can handle. That is 'business as usual'. That is 'how everyone treats me'."<br>"Oh my, by the likes of it you've earned a Phd on my psyche. Extraordinary."  
>Despite Izaya's proclaimed withdrawal he lingered on. His dominance was only absolute if it showed no chinks.<br>"I paid attention. I admit it, I've been trying to figure you out and that means I've paid attention to the things you say. You act like you're fine with people being cold to you but that's not exactly true- not entirely true."  
>Izaya clapped.<br>"Down deep I want to be hugged and cuddled by someone? That's cheap psychology."  
>"Not like that. But you want someone to see through you- at the same time that's the last thing you want. Like you'd say human beings are contradictory by nature."<br>"Do tell me how you reached this amazing insight."  
>"If you really did not care at all you wouldn't mind that people like Shizuo but hate your guts, you wouldn't see that as unfair."<br>"Why do I have a dreadful suspicion you're about to invoke the hedgehog's dilemma* in one way or another?"  
>"Because you know there's some truth to it? You treat others badly so that they won't get close enough to hurt you. I can't say if you realize it or not – you probably do, somewhat – but intimacy scares you. Your relationships must be one-sided."<br>"One-sided?"  
>"You figure out everything about someone, otherwise they can't be your pieces, you take that knowledge and use it your advantage. But you don't give anything back except for some weird karma ritual in which people screw themselves over and you're not even all that involved. You can't be involved. These relationships don't change you. 'Love humanity'? More like 'pulling strings on people'."<br>"How is any of this new? You knew from the start I'm not precisely 'good'."  
>Kadota shook his head.<br>"That's not it. You may be right- you can make people move according to your will but those same people change, they evolve, they learn and improve themselves even if they remain on your programmed route. But do you evolve at all? You pull strings on them but at least they _move_. Puppet masters are sad creatures in the end...they never grow up."  
>"Quite eloquent, Kadota. But self-defeating to your overarching argument. Namely, that you 'like' me. If you view me as so essentially flawed as that then how can you 'like' me?"<br>"You don't have to be perfect for me to like you. You'll flip a lid but I'll go ahead and say it, I'm sorry for you. For the limitations you place on yourself."  
>"And these limitations are?"<br>"To not connect with others out of principle and to deny yourself progress."  
>This gave Izaya pause. But only for the shortest of moments. A mere heartbeat.<br>"Aren't you getting too much into this? Analyzing someone from a vantage point and handing out judgment on them as you remain unaffected and above. Watch out, Kadota. You may end up as heartless as I."  
>"It's not the same. Because I'm not unaffected- just like you're not heartless."<br>Izaya stared him down then sighed.  
>"Whatever game you're playing I'm not interested. It's getting boring-"<br>"More like it's getting real, Izaya."

* * *

><p>*More on the dilemma: en(dot)wikipedia(dot)orgwiki/Hedgehog's_dilemma


	33. Chapter 33

"So you do admit you've been lying to me all this time? That's alright. I never expected anything else."  
>"Why, why on earth can't you trust someone at least a bit?"<br>"Because it is not in my nature nor is it feasible."  
>Kadota took a deep breath. For each barrier he managed to breach, a new and tougher one appeared.<br>"I haven't been lying all along as you put it. I had fun with you, you had fun with me. That was not at all a lie. And if have fun together, I don't see what's so strange about my liking you."  
>"I don't suppose you kiss everyone that you 'like'?"<br>Kadota sighed.  
>"No, I don't. But you're special."<br>"The more you go on the more ridiculous this all sounds. How about I phone Shinra and tell him that you 'like' me and that I am ever so 'special'?"  
>Kadota fished out his cell phone.<br>"Go right ahead. I'll call him himself if you want."  
>This startled Izaya considerably. To the point that he could not hide it.<br>"You may have lost your mind, Kadota."  
>"Maybe. That might very well be... I've heard that falling in love does that to a person."<br>Izaya was about to argue but he spotted movement. Kadota could see him immediately change into all alert mode, eyes narrowed and knife out.  
>"Is your Shizuo buddy standing around by any chance? Since I'd have to stand still while we have this deep discussion? Then he can drop one of these craters on me?"<br>"Huh, what? No, I have no idea where he is-"  
>"And that little thing with the phone was a calculated bluff. Shinra's probably on it too. Smart but not smart enough, I'm afraid."<br>"For heavens sake, you're thinking yourself into a conspiracy that doesn't exist! You think so much you end up missing the point altogether! It's just me, Kadota, Dotachin talking to you. No one else. No tricks."  
>"You know how in fiction villains are always too dumb and end up talking too much? That's not me."<br>Before Kadota even knew what was happening Izaya was good. One leap over a crater and then melting into the pathless darkness of the night.  
>"Damnit!"<br>Kadota nearly laughed when a cat calmly waltzed into the scene. It was enough to make him talk to himself.  
>"Unbelievable, mistaking a cat for an attempt on his life coupled with a major conspiracy. Just... unbelievable."<p>

Kadota slept late into the afternoon the following day. He hardly knew what steps to take next. Overall he felt disappointed, sad and more than a bit hurt. The least Izaya could do was to acknowledge his emotions but clearly Izaya was bent on not even granting Kadota that.  
>It had not only been Izaya's oddball reaction that had surprised Kadota. His own disclosure came as shocking in hindsight. That he had actually crossed into 'love. Kadota was baffled as he realized that it taken a borderline violent argument for him to realize just where his emotions stood. Unfortunately it had alienated Izaya completely. Kadota did not regret it. Sooner or later it would have to come out.<br>But he was now left with no clue as how to proceed.

Izaya realized fairly quickly that there was no ambush about to spring on him. Still, he took a detour through empty lanes simply because he was already committed to losing a pursuer and once he established a course of action he had to stick to it. Which was why he upped the security definitions of his apartment even though he knew there was no actual reason to suspect an attack.  
>The remains of the night he spent spinning on the swivel chair, staring at the computer and then spinning some more. Even though he believed he had scored a point by calling out Kadota on his antics Izaya remained dissatisfied and more stressed than he had been in a long time.<br>Sleep did not come to him regardless of how he arranged numbers in his head. In the end he gave up altogether. It would have been better if Kadota had indeed tried to kill him. As it was, Izaya was left without a lead or a clue as how to act from now on.  
>So both Izaya and Kadota were clueless at present – except Kadota knew the nature of his emotions while Izaya flailed for answers that were not forthcoming.<p> 


	34. Chapter 34

Confronted with a crisis most people broke routines. Izaya did the exact opposite. His already borderline compulsive habits became even more of a ritual. He adhered to them with strict discipline. And since these barriers were of his own doing he did not see them as such, instead they gained importance as tools through which Izaya tamed the chaos.  
>More, by maintaining his routine with its hidden patterns that only made sense to him (and were all the more powerful for that) he reinforced his personal boundaries even as he proved to himself that he was unaffected by Kadota.<br>Izaya maintained the inner status quo to balance out emotional disorientation. And to some extent it worked remarkably well. He had a whole array of mental exercises that served as a buffer for disagreeable realities.  
>But self-deception only went so far. To reestablish harmony Izaya could not simply return to an original point of unperturbed comfort, in order to find his balance he needed to craft his daily life to obey to self-infused constraints to a much greater degree than ever before. Since he was displaced he felt the need to rebuild the structure with unfaltering zeal.<br>It was as if he had been literally shaken off his zone of comfort and had to find his way back to where he was perfectly safe. Things that he did for fun such as taking strolls on preassigned time slots timed down to the minute were now chores. His heart was not on it. The riddle of the world sank under trivial concerns.  
>So when he perched himself on the usual pedestrian bridge just as the light in the sky was giving way to the lights of the city all was not as usual. Stick to the outer formalities as he might, Izaya was in disarray and disorder. And it annoyed him to no end that the traffic light kept changing from green to red, back to green, with no change. As if Orihara Izaya was not the ruling principle of existence.<br>Part of Izaya's secret was his ability to see an universal relation between his own rhythms and reality at large, such a skill justified all of his wildest ambitions. Izaya did not want to become God out of a whim, his reason was fully involved in it. Normally he took great pleasure from the unfaltering order of all things but now he preferred the perfectly timed lights to show his own disorder.  
>One of the greatest problems with absolute control was that any glitch snowballed into a paroxysm.<br>"Long time no see."  
>"Hi there, Shinra."<br>Izaya did not want to have any kind of conversation with Shinra at the moment but of course he could not avoid it.  
>"What are you doing?"<br>"Observing."  
>And it was not even a lie. Just a half-truth.<br>"Not talking girls into jumping to their deaths?"  
>"Not presently. Unless of course I have special hypnotic powers that work via telepathy or suggestion."<br>Izaya meant it as a joke but it fell flat. And not flat as his humor tended to fall, which was to say when he aimed his sly jokes as jabs, but simply dispirited.  
>"Well do you? It wouldn't even surprise me, coming from you."<br>"Heh, thank you."  
>"I didn't mean it as a compliment."<br>"I know."  
>"How you doing?"<br>Izaya spun around and stood with his back against the railing.  
>"I am fine as ever."<br>"You don't look fine to me."  
>"Is this the doctor talking? Want to prescribe me some medicine?"<br>"I don't think there's any medicine to fix what's wrong with you."  
>"How cruel of you. Is that something to say to an old friend? Or old acquaintance, if you want to be technical about it."<br>"Want to me tell you what I think is going on?"  
>"By all means, do tell."<br>Izaya had learned a long time ago that many times he did not have to do any prying for information, people just offered it to him. But Shinra only had to offer unfounded opinions.  
>"I think you just lost at one of your little games."<br>"Care to tell me why you think so?"  
>"Just a feeling I have."<br>"One would think I am scrambling, by the way you're talking."  
>"And maybe you are. In your own strange way."<br>"You being, of course, the epitome of normality yourself."  
>"We're talking about you, not me. Isn't it your favorite topic anyway?"<br>Izaya widened his eyes in mock shock.  
>"Not at all. My favorite topic is of course humanity as a whole."<br>"I've been going through some literature about autism."


	35. Chapter 35

"How interesting. Carry on."

Shinra adjusted his glasses for what Izaya was sure was just effect.

"It covers a very vast range of degrees. Thought you might be interested since you're so into 'humanity'".

"And you gravitated to that topic in particular out of professional interest, I presume?"

"Not exactly. It's not exactly my line of work."

"Whatever happened to 'sane body and sane mind', then?"

Shinra smiled. Izaya did not particularly care for it but here was an opportunity. Having his ability to cope badly bruised Izaya was eager to overcome a challenge. And there might be a connection between whatever Shinra was angling for and Kadota. On the whole Izaya preferred dealing with Shinra at the moment.

"It's a fine principle but no-one can cover all areas of medical science."

"I am sure."

"People have a wrong idea about autism. It isn't just people that can hardly communicate and spend most of their time rocking back and forth as they fidget with numbers."

Izaya chuckled.

"But rocking back and forth is such fun!"

To prove the point Izaya spun around and grabbing the rail swung in body, barely balanced on the balls of his feet. It threw Shinra off as it was meant to do.

"You'll topple over and fall to your death."

"Heh, wouldn't you like that! But I have mad skills."

"Oh, I'm sure. Speaking of which, within the autism spectrum there are types that actually develop some pretty amazing skills."

"Looks like you've really been serious about your research."

"Just read about a bit about it."

Izaya nearly asked about the literature but he knew it to be useless. He was not quite nervous but his blaze attitude was not entirely genuine either.

"Do these skills involve parkour?"

"Not that I know of. But they involve an extreme ability of focusing on particular subjects with almost preternatural efficiency, an extraordinary knack for picking up languages, very good memory among other things."

Izaya pretended to be musing this over. He went as far as rubbing his chin and looking up, a quirk he had learned as studious from observing many people. Izaya's incessant study of these odd human creatures that surrounded him on all sides had a practical slant to it and might even break down to basic self-defense.

"Hmm... I believe that is called Asperger's syndrome? You seem to be describing it in broad strokes."

Izaya was very pleased with himself. He had just stolen Shinra's thunder by bringing up the subject with all the nonchalance he could muster. Which was a lot.

"As I thought you're familiar with it."

"Of course. Like you said, I have a deep interest in all things human. I take into consideration all the aspects, positive and negative ones. Which reminds me, you forgot to mention the downside of Asperger's. Bad social skills, difficulty in reading others and interacting, obsessive and repetitive behavior, crippling adherence to routines, awkward speech patterns, etc."

"Looking at it from all angles, are we."

A strange way of phrasing it. Izaya caught it immediately. For a split second he beyond uneasy. Then he caught a glimpse at the background in which traffic lights went on and off in their pattern succession of colors just as they should. This order could not be disrupted by silly intrusions in the guise of Shinra.

"Of course. It's part of my job."

"I'm not too sure I know what you do for a living."

"I tell people what they want to know about other people. Which means I must find out what that is first. It's great I don't have Asperger's or I'd be in quite a bind. Neh?"

It was a huge gamble but Izaya could not afford to let Shinra shift the subject and leave this battleground absolutely sure he had one on him. He had no illusions that Shinra only appeared to steer the conversation in another direction.

Shinra gave him a long hard look. Silence widened between them and Izaya could feel his smile becoming brittle under its pressure.

"Either way you are a remarkable individual. Not a good person by any stretch but remarkable in your own way."

"Oy, oy, that smacks of pity now. I can't have that, now can I?"

Shinra took off his glasses and slowly polished them.

"No, I suppose you can't. But you might want to look into learning how to accept affection. And I don't mean from me."


	36. Chapter 36

"Tsk, everyone's a moralist."

"Morality has nothing to do with it. But that's nothing you don't know already."

Izaya jumped around and looked as if he was about to go over the railing. In reality each skipping step was calibrated to perfection. Izaya simply wanted to dispel the mood of its eerie undertones.

"That's me alright, Orihara Izaya: knowing stuff! All you ever wanted to know, Orihara Izaya knows!"

As it so often happened Izaya's amusement increased with his antagonist's discomfort. He enjoyed being off kilter in his humor precisely for that reason.

"That's wonderful, Izaya. I got to go now, it's getting late."

It was just what Izaya wanted to hear but he of course put on a sweetly sad face that fooled no one. Nor was it supposed to.

"Such a shame. Bye bee! Don't be a stranger!"

Enthusiastic waving followed.

"You're the stranger. You always were."

Izaya actually pouted and went to the extent of sighing.

"How can we say that, we practically grew up together."

"No, we didn't."

Izaya could afford to be at ease.

"That's a way of looking at it. What a shame, so many memories of our youth we failed to forge together."

Shinra did not quite know what to say to this. He tossed him something that Izaya easily caught mid-air.

"Don't say I never gave you anything."

"Rubik's cube?"

"It's your kind of thing, isn't it? Have fun with it."

Izaya turned it on his hands as if he half expected it to explode if handled too roughly.

"This is for me?"

"Do you see anyone else around here?"

"Indeed I don't. But to what do I owe this sudden act of generosity?"

Shinra plunged his hands into the pockets of his perennial lab coat.

"To your chance of becoming an actual real person. Let's call it me taking a chance on that possibility."

Izaya looked at it with studied disinterest.

"Thank you, Shinra."

Shinra was already walking away, heading for the stairs. He spoke without turning around.

"There was a time when I believed there was more to you than being an smart ass. I'm trusting those days. Try not to disappoint me."

**

Izaya would have found it difficult to bring himself to break the harmony of the cube's perfectly arranged colored faces. Fortunately it was already mismatched. Izaya nearly glowed as he considered the many methods for solving this simple but highly entertaining puzzle.

With so many combinations there was an almost endless potential to this. Izaya found himself hooked in no time, his hands moving in tandem with the calculations running through his mind, so that he felt more composed than he had in a long time.

The fact that this was a tangible proof of something amounting to friendship played a part in his absorption but Izaya minimized any emotional attachment by approaching the puzzle in its purest form: that of a riddle for him to solve.

All and all Izaya was not entirely satisfied. His damage control had been exemplary but probably not enough. Clearly Shinra knew and Izaya could hardly keep him from spreading such compromising knowledge. Which was a huge disadvantage. But there was one person who could avoid the leakage and that was Shinra himself. Which was to say, Izaya was fairly certain that Shinra would keep his discovery to himself.

Izaya even carried the cube to the bath. Before running a bath he tapped the faucets very lightly and always filled the tub to a precise imaginary line that he calibrated to the millimeter. Presently he was languishing in the water, one of these days he would solve the cube with his eyes closed to make it more challenging, when it occurred to him that he needed to square off the new situation with Kadota.

He had been avoiding directly approaching the subject but the warm water combined with the soothing effect of color blocks falling precisely into place with mathematical predictability induced a kind of relaxation of his own inbuilt barriers.

In the grand scheme of things Kadota was not particularly relevant. Even Kida held more potential. But Kadota's importance had grown to disproportionate dimensions. Not by becoming a strong player in the power arena but by occupying Izaya's personal life to the point of upsetting it.


	37. Chapter 37

Overt opposition and rivalry might be easier to manage, after all Izaya had prearranged ways of dealing with upstarts but there was nothing in his vocabulary regarding strange vows of affection. For that Izaya was utterly unprepared.

Izaya received innumerable solicitations for easy sex with no strings attached. The offers came from beautiful women and quite a few men as well, from the many hostesses and hosts that populated the glossy underworld of seduction. Tokyo's night people. It amused him considerably that only they applied, the plain and average either did not covet him or believed themselves excluded by default. Odds were it was a mixture of both.

The sleek creatures that made such advances knew the rules of the game: they never offer, expected or even dreamed of demanding actual love. And the more indifferent Izaya proved the greater his allure grew. He knew very well that the hosting industry, whether its lower echelons that bordered on prostitution or highly rarefied clubs, was jaded to notions of love. In that they were like Izaya himself in being unable to fully experience the scope of human emotion as others did.

Izaya turned them down ever so expertly and added fuel to the fire by simply letting a few hints that rapidly blazed into full blown rumors merrily sustaining itself and even growing in volume as people added bits and pieces. And so Izaya built the myth of being a bisexual playboy when in fact he remained a virgin.

It amused Izaya to no end. No one would ever believe that his sexual experience was none whatsoever. The best way to create fiction was to weave truth in its midst. That he was the object of desire of Tokyo's most attractive people was true: that he reciprocated in kind was not.

In fact, Izaya spent precious little time considering sex and never saw it as an actual viable option. Even the simple physical aspect bothered him somewhat. It displaced him from being in control. His sex drive being almost nonexistent suited him just fine. What he lacked in libido Izaya more than compensated by the endorphin rush he got whenever things went according to his complex and minute machinations.

Izaya started at the cube again, the colors falling into a pattern with preternatural speed as his fingers worked. It was perhaps not entirely true that no one knew just how little interest Izaya had in sex. He suspected without being able to tell for sure that Shinra at least knew.

It did not matter because in this too Izaya expected Shinra to hold his peace. If it was true that Izaya's entire existence had been a convoluted avoidance of intimacy honed to an entire life philosophy his memory had a flawless quality to it: Izaya could never forget some semi-ambiguous words exchanged once upon a time. He had simply chosen to interpret them in the most neutral of ways and thus maintained his status quo in relation to Shinra.

But Kadota made it impossible to seek refuge in subterfuge. It left no room for Izaya to squirm his way back to the way things used to be and this was enough to terrify him. One of Izaya's tenets was that of keeping the same tone in his relationships with others. People often mistook him for one thing – some were even reckless enough to think him harmless – or they might even not know that he existed at all until Izaya corrected them on that point, usually with dramatic consequences to all involved minus Izaya himself.

Changing his mind about people was hardly ever necessary because he saw through them almost immediately. Mikado could fool even his best friend but Izaya had gathered enough information to form a strong suspicion to which actual evidence was a mere confirmation. Once enough data was compiled predictions ceased to be instinctual reactions to become necessary.

His gift was in the coincidence between the two modes of knowing, the intuitive and the rational, the convergence of vectors into a single points and all these points then aligned in a perfect pattern of regularity that only he, Orihara Izaya, could ever see.


	38. Chapter 38

Kadota had jarred Izaya off course. Adjustments were in order. Already Izaya knew he had committed the great sin of overreaction. He who brushed off incoming vending machines as if they were a mere bother had lost his cool over a kiss and a confession. The irony hit him wits its full force - Izaya dropped the cube, it splashed loudly and floated merrily like a cubic ship of many colors.

"Waterproof, yay!"

Very much like a little boy playing with a rubber ducky Izaya pocked the cube. This moment too reflected his personality, an overly clever child that could not escape the many barriers he had reinforced to escape from the fearful world outside the ever branching complexities of his spectacular mind.

**

634.0 metres (2,080 feet). Three legs.

Skytree. Izaya had read much about it and had been literally counting down the days until its inauguration. Japan's tallest building made for the perfect vantage point from which to overview Tokyo. And Tokyo might as well be the world. He considered this as he queued up.

A mega city had a lot of advantages to one as Izaya and the greatest of all might be its being a veritable microcosm. Humanity to be freely sampled at his will. Izaya glowed with the secret satisfaction of knowing what no one else could know, of seeing the lucid connections that were mere random phenomena to others.

The tower itself had him tingling with excitement. Here it stood, a wonder of steel columns crisscrossing diagonally, reaching into the very heights in defiance of gravity. Izaya had pored over the specs, to him the effect of explicit regularity was all the more impressive for its being grounded on different angles and varied shapes.

Izaya almost hummed as one of the sleek elevators (that there were 13 elevators total amused him greatly) worked its borderline magic of ascent from the streets to the clouds. He had bypassed emotional crisis but at cost: Izaya had so fully invested himself into his many mental mannerisms to the point he grew too detached from his surroundings. Those who saw him did not think of him as a smooth young man but as a young man whose mind was miles away.

Normally Izaya reinforced his flawless facade from the correspondence between his quirks and outside reality, now his inner atmosphere did not overlap as much as overwhelm everything else. Izaya was entrenched in himself.

And for that very reason he felt more at ease than he had since Kadota had so disturbed his emotional balance. Izaya nearly skipped around the observation deck.

"Hi there, Izaya."

Izaya was about to land on one foot and it was with some difficulty that he did not jump away. He made a very fast calculation and settled on a course of action: emulate business as usual.

"If it isn't Dotachin. Did you follow me here?"

Kadota shook his head. This was hardly a good start. At least childishness peevishness could be argued with and violence called for a strong reaction. Downplaying things as Izaya was bent on doing limited Kadota's options.

"Didn't have to. I thought you'd be here."

"Oh? How come?"

"Because you love Tokyo. This is a great place to see the city from. No way you'd miss the inauguration."

Izaya blinked.

"Indeed."

They both shifted without actually moving. Kadota decided that he had to talk things through one way or another and with Izaya there were many ways of getting to the core of issues for Izaya's interests were far and wide, offering all sorts of possible approaches.

"Besides, I am interested in this tower too. It's so much like a super modern world tree."

Izaya gazed off at the endless city, a map of everything under the sun. He smiled.

"Even down to the name. The world tree is a recurring concept in a lot of mythologies, it connects the world where it is planted, to the heavens where its branches spread and even the underworld through the roots. In other words, it's a symbolic representation of a unified ontological vision."

"Like Yggdrasil?"

"That's the most famous. I'm particularly fond of the squirrel."


	39. Chapter 39

"Ratatoskr? Isn't he always climbing up and down Yggdrasil, carrying messages?"

"Heh, does it sound boring to you? But just think of the things he must know that he spends so much time carrying information!"

"I thought you'd be more into Odin, god of wisdom and all that."

"Ah, yes. But the squirrel has a kind of grassroots intel that I'm sure would level all wisdom to nil. Who said gossip is not a form of knowledge? It just requires intelligence to sieve it through."

"Isn't that just your interpretation of the story?"

"Of course. What else is there to stories but interpretation? Stories don't exist apart from readers or hearers and those are bound to come up with theories. All narrative is intrinsically hermeneutic, particularly mythology. Human beings use stories to explain the world and then these same stories are then explained from all sorts of points of view."

"I can see that ending in a labyrinth of sorts, with no two people agreeing on meaning on of the same thing."

"A bit like you and me?"

Izaya fed a coin to one of the many telescopes and applied himself to it, leaving Kadota to stare at his back. Izaya scanned his city carefully.

"Perhaps you are right. What you mean by 'love' does not precisely match what I mean by 'love'. We might as well be talking past each other."

Kadota scratched his head through the perennial beanie. There was something deliberately dismissive in Izaya's manner but at least he seemed willing to actually talk.

"Yeah. What I mean by 'love' isn't all that complicated, though. It's just that I am happier when I am having fun with you."

"Would you choose me over the van gang?"

"What's this about choosing,"

Suddenly Kadota wished Izaya kept going at the telescope. Instead Izaya spun around to face him directly.

"You can say that you 'can't help' loving me but that has little value if there is no choice involved at all."

"I chose to look for you so that we could talk things through,"

"Fair enough. Allow me to ask you again, if you had to choose between me or the van gang which would you take? And maybe more to the point, if they asked you that same question how would you answer?"

Kadota opened and closed his mouth a few times without actually speaking. Words built up in his mind, bundled up in a knot that he could not dissolve properly.

"Why do I have to choose like that?"

"Because I, the person you claim to love, is asking you. What say you?"

Kadota could not tell when Izaya had switched to formal language but it disturbed him in an undefined way. Dimly, so dimly he had not realized it until this very moment, Kadota had trusted that once Izaya took him seriously most barriers would crumble.

"I really can't answer that, when you put it like that."

"Then you do not really love me."

"How can you know that?"

Izaya smiled. Very briefly, almost sadly. His hands went into his pockets.

"You just told me yourself.

"I didn't say that,"

"You're still too honest for your own good."

Pressure had been piling up, Kadota felt it expanding to the point of exploding.

"What do you even know about love, Izaya? To go about lecturing me on how I feel or don't feel."

"I know that if you love someone you should prize that person above all others and be able to sacrifice others if it comes to that."

"This is just some hypothetical scenario of yours- and don't you tell me hypothetical questions are important, I know that, but this is right there with 'alien holocaust' scenario of 'land shark attack', it's just so unlikely – what, do you suppose there will come a time when you and Erika are hanging from a balcony and I can only rescue one? No way that will ever happen!"

Izaya opened up his arms to engulf the whole of Tokyo in a gesture that reminded Kadota of deities surrounded in light in their heavenly domains. It lasted but a moment but the impression lingered as an afterimage.

"Except it is not at all hypothetical. In this world I am what I am. If you are to love me you will have to let go of much."

"Wait, are you making demands on me...?"

"I am educating you. Love me, you say? Enough to let go of Shizu-chan? Enough to turn your back entirely on your life as you know it?"

"I never thought,"

"You cannot add me to your daily life and expect things not to change drastically."


	40. Chapter 40

Kadota took a deep breath to steady himself.

"I'm not saying I have everything all figured out,"

Izaya swung back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"And I am saying you have not figured out anything at all."

People swished past them, a blur of irrelevancy. Kadota's anger hitched a notch, partially to bypass the recoil of truth from Izaya's words.

"So you're saying I'm the problem? It's a 'it's not me, it's you' kind of thing? What if I pick you over everyone else?"

Kadota had not meant to budge but already he had taken a step in Izaya's direction. He only realized it because Izaya swiftly took a step a back and resumed the distance.

"I'd turn you down."

"Because you hate me? Or I'm too insignificant to even count?"

Izaya kept on swinging back and forth, a reassuring rhythm of serenity.

"You're wrong on both accounts. You are also more focused on defiance than anything else at the moment."

"'Defiance'? What is that supposed to mean? You don't think I'm capable of siding by you?"

"I have no doubt you are able to do so. But not at all because you love me or feel anything about me at all. You'd do it to make a point and prove it to me I'm wrong."

Kadota felt something akin to a physical shock. He hesitated for a few moment, an all too revealing moment.

"That is just- that's not it, you're wrong."

"Perhaps. But I am not entirely wrong."

"Do you enjoy doing this? Dissecting people's motivations?"

"Normally, yes. Presently, not really."

Kadota shook his head and tried to smile. He felt sick to his stomach.

"At least you're not getting the kicks out of this."

Izaya pointed at skyscraper littered distance.

"I've seen people jumping to their death mostly to prove me they could. I'd rather you didn't commit social suicide for the same reason."

"So I'd like to prove you just how serious I am about you. That doesn't mean I don't love you."

"Alright. Let us assume you do love me. Our notions of what love is remain irreconcilable."

"What is your idea of love, then?"

They had already covered this ground but much had changed since then. Perhaps not enough had changed since.

"Romantic love means nothing to me personally."

"And neither does sex?"

"I have no interest in sex either. In case you are wondering I am a virgin."

Izaya nodded. The measure of truth he was willing to grant Kadota was not so much a concession as a restructuring of barriers. Izaya's inner geography was fluid enough to survive against adversity by flowing along with it, sweeping into subjugation. His approach was half instinctual, half acquired. One of his great inspirations was the anti-seismic structures that converted catastrophe into a gentle swinging motion of colossi.

Kadota blinked in dismay not at the revelation, the content of which he half-suspected, but at Izaya's sudden honesty.

"Then all those hosts and hostesses are lying?"

"Not consciously. They believe what they say, I made sure of that."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"I lose nothing by divulging it. Information is as valuable as what you can do with it and you can do nothing with this. No one would believe you."

"And information has its own life, once set in motion even you can't put it out. No one would believe you if you revealed to the world that you're actually a virgin."

Izaya smiled widely.

"Precisely. You can even record this and put it online, it wouldn't make a difference."

"I wouldn't do that and you know it."

Kadota felt cheated. Izaya had managed to turn such a personal revelation into a weapon.

"Can I infer that you won't do anything to hurt me?"

"Not to sure about that, Izaya. I could punch you right about now."

Izaya tapped his chin in a thoughtful manner. Or in a deliberately thoughtful manner.

"Do you think I am ungrateful in rejecting you? Considering I am not a lovable person, I should leap to the opportunity?"


	41. Chapter 41

Kadota was silent for a while. Unlike Izaya, Kadota did not think better on his feet but needed some time to ponder.

"Not exactly- I can't really explain it too well but I feel I'm about the only person to get close to you, a bit close at least, that I managed to see that there's a lot more to you than just being a brilliant bastard. In a way I feel like I deserve a bit more than being tossed to the side."

Yet Kadota knew that in his own way Izaya was giving him a chance of sorts. It did not make Kadota feel much better. Izaya's tone might not be quite dismissive but it could not at all respond to Kadota's feelings.

"And by 'a bit more' you mean?"

"I guess I need some compensation."

"And this compensation includes bedding me?"

Kadota was annoyed at finding himself blushing. Reacting to Izaya's formal language Kadota ended up tripping on the wrong words.

"You make it sound like I'm out to rape you."

"I said nothing to that effect."

"It's in the way you said it."

"Either way is it safe to assume you do want to have sex with me?"

Izaya sounded both curious and detached. His rational attitude increased Kadota's awkwardness tenfold. Kadota nodded, eyes glued to the floor.

"I went about it the wrong way but I am glad I stole your first kiss."

"Second kiss."

Kadota snapped to attention.

"What...?"

"I said I was a virgin, not that I had never been kissed before."

Even through the shock of this revelation Kadota noticed how Izaya employed the passive.

"Did you also get all blade happy with that person?"

"I did not. Circumstances differed greatly."

"It didn't take you by surprise, then?"

"You're wrong there. It caught me completely by surprise but it was a long time ago and I felt less danger."

A realization dawned on Kadota, a hint of suspicion spreading like a stain until he was sure.

"Shinra, so that's how it was."

Against all reason Kadota felt hurt.

"I don't confirm or deny it."

"You don't have to, it doesn't matter who it was."

Kadota was not entirely sure it was but one thing he knew, discussing this issue would lead nowhere.

"Have you considered why you are so drawn to me?"

"I bet you've got a theory."

Kadota was still too shaken up.

"It could be that you're lonelier than you knew."

"And...?"

"You have plenty of friends and everyone has a favorable opinion of you. But are you someone's most important person?"

"Probably not."

"There is no one of supreme importance in my life either so there is an empty space you could occupy. And that would quell your solitude."

Kadota sighed deeply, deliberately focusing on his exhaling.

"So you're saying I fell for you because we're both lonely, and there's an empty space by your side that I could occupy?"

"I am saying it played a part."

"I never thought myself as lonely."

"Neither have I ever thought myself as lonely. Yet you believe I am."

"It's hard not to, looking at you. You follow the letter the maxim of 'lonely at the top'".

"I do not expect anyone to keep up with me. What about you?"

"I'm not the kind to compete."

"You do not compete for affection, success, fame. And you take it another notch by virtually nullifying yourself."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Izaya swung around and leaned on the telescope.

"You are intelligent, street smart, dependable. But you've made yourself insignificant. If we were all fictional characters living in a fiction Tokyo how much fanfiction do you suppose would feature you as a main character? As opposed to me, Shizu-chan, Shinra, Celty, Mikado, Kida, Tom, Aoba, etc, etc."

"So I'm boring."

Kadota was beginning to feel attacked. Izaya's lucid unwinding of Kadota's personality carried a particular sting.

"You're fascinating all around but you make sure you avoid the spotlight. I've told you before it is your strong point but it is also a weakness. It's your defense mechanism."

"Now that's precious coming from you!"

"I know about defense mechanisms from personal experience."

Only now did Kadota realize just how much Izaya was disclosing about himself.

"I thought you didn't need to defend against anything."

"You know better. If anything defense is one of my absolute priorities."

"So it's okay if you have defense mechanisms but I can't?"

"I am aware of mine. Are you?"


	42. Chapter 42

Kadota hesitated. Unsure he was willing to give that much away.

"It's not like I go out of my way to be as defensive as you are but yeah, I prefer not to be the center of attention. It makes me feel safe so yeah, I guess is a self-defense mechanism of sorts. Everyone's got them, isn't it part of being human?"

"Indeed it is. So far we have discussed my qualifications or lack thereof to be in a relationship. Shall we consider yours?"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning there must be a way why you too were never in a relationship before. Perhaps you are lacking something."

Kadota had to take two deep breaths before answering.

"God, it's like the 'Kadota sucks' show. Do you ever cut any slack at all or is it just that you're still mad at me?"

"You misunderstand me. This is the compensation I can offer you."

Kadota blinked.

"Wait, what?"

"You said so yourself that my pawns could evolve. Consider yourself my pawn, then. Use my input if you may. It may very well improve you and I assure you will be much more to your advantage than having sex with me."

Kadota drew a complete blank long enough to make anyone else feel uncomfortable. But not Izaya who held his gaze throughout the silence.

"Is this your idea of helping me...? You sure are a handful, Izaya. And let me tell you,"

"This is how I express my good will. Granted, 'love' may be beyond me but good will is not."

"Good will...? What are you saying, exactly?"

Kadota found himself thirsting for clarification. He felt as if throughout all his interaction he had indulged in ambiguity far too much and that he had to pay.

"That I am willing to be your sounding board, if you are so inclined. Why do you think you were never in a relationship thus far?"

Kadota thought it over. He would rather keep the pressure fully on Izaya but he knew that it would never do. And for once Izaya was not merely deflecting or on the attack.

"I guess...I guess I didn't meet anyone I was interested enough. A relationship takes a lot of effort to keep going so why bother if I'm not that into the person...I mean, it's not the kind of thing you can really get into if you're not into it. No point being half-assed either."

Izaya nodded.

"I wonder, how great a part your friends play in this."

"You lost me there..."

"You surrounded yourself with friends who are even more disinclined toward romantic relationships than you. So there is hardly any peer pressure. After all, you are always 'the normal one' out of the whole bunch, in no way would you be seen as the 'can't-land-a-girlfriend-to-save-his-life' loner as might otherwise happen."

Kadota started.

"Now that I think about it...you have a point."

"The van gang is something of a defense mechanism to you."

"Seems like I've got my own barriers to handle."

Saying it out loud came as a relief, surprisingly. Kadota found himself smiling faintly and Izaya echoed the smile. This was not precisely the right tone yet but Kadota felt that they somehow closer at this very moment than they had been since the kiss disaster.

"What the hell's going on here?"

Izaya swiveled around and stood facing none other than Shizuo. Before Kadota knew what he was doing he had stepped between Izaya and Shizuo.

"Shizuo, calm down."

Shizuo frowned.

"Is the louse annoying you? Tch, I told you to stay away from him."

"It's alright. We're just having a conversation,"

"Oh yeah? What about?"

Shizuo was at that point right before completely blowing up completely. It was akin to the calm before the storm, Shizuo's speech would slow down and his body go almost limp so that he seemed to almost sway on his feet. Izaya retreated precisely three steps without losing eye contact with Shizuo. Whenever he was forced into such confrontations he felt like prey.

Kadota knew he had reached a crux. He could back down here and appease Shizuo's mounting, deadly anger or step up to the plate and tell the truth.


	43. Chapter 43

Kadota opened his mouth to tell everything but never got around to saying anything. He was so focused on making a decision, the emotional tension drawn to a breaking point, that he completely failed to register that Shizuo was about to leap into violence.

Izaya, however, did not miss a beat. He could afford to. Years of evading Shizuo's destructive ways had tuned Izaya's senses to the point he could anticipate when a crisis was at hand. Izaya made it impossible for Kadota to reply by grabbing his hand, the touch very assertive, and promptly dragging him away.

Before Kadota knew what was happening he was following Izaya, the air knocked out of him as Izaya began to trot and then to actually run.

Kadota could only obey, at first in something of a daze from which he was abruptly awaken by a wild roar. It took Kadota a few heartbeats to realize it was actually Shizuo, which was bad, and that Shizuo was actually hot on their heels, which was considerably worse.

Suddenly, Kadota found himself forcibly walking on Izaya's shoes. In little time Kadota's ears were ringing, his chest hurt from the exertion, his feet lagging behind. He followed Izaya out of reflex. As he was spun around the platform Kadota could see Shizuo. It lasted a fraction of a second but Kadota knew in that moment that any reasoning with Shizuo would not only be futile but probably lethal. Shizuo's eyes were glazed over by sheer fury. Odds are he did not even see Kadota but was simply zeroing in on Izaya with the blind force of a guided missile.

Izaya fury jacket fluttered ahead of Kadota. Even in an state of panic Kadota was very aware of Izaya's hand firmly holding his. It was the one solid point in a fluid world made of menace.

And the Izaya was pushing Kadota aside, hard, momentum throwing Kadota well out of Shizuo's warpath. The feeling of betrayal lasted an instant before thought could reassert itself and Kadota saw that Izaya had just saved his life.

By then Izaya had already pivoted his way down the stairs and was using gravity to his advantage to leap over whole flights. But not before Izaya held his ground, perfectly still, to make sure Shizuo would charge by the directest route and leave Kadota's still prone figure intact.

Kadota could only blink in dismay and see Izaya disappear from his eyes, shortly followed by Shizuo who seemed bent to ripping apart the entire tower if need be. Kadota stumbled a few times before he could drag himself to the stairs. His legs kept dying on him, a highly annoying aftereffect of shock. Kadota looked down, unable to suppress a prayer for Izaya's safety.

The perspective was slanted at bizarre angle, the stairwell directed his gaze to a dizzying height that seemed every bit as horizontal as vertical. He could see catch an occasional glimpse of Izaya's furry jacket and a flash of yellow that was all too close. Shizuo was closing in.

Kadota could feel the entire structure shaking with each of Shizuo's ponderous steps but it might be his imagination. His helplessness tasted like bile. He hardly dared to draw breath, his nerves pitched to a level of stress that made him literally ill.

Izaya stepped on the railing and jumped across the well. He landed gracefully as if defying death was his daily routine and resumed his mad scramble down the stairs. Then it hit Kadota: defying death was indeed daily routine for Izaya. Kadota saw Izaya repeating the crazy feat of acrobatics, this time smaller as perspective played its warped tricks.

Shizuo simply clambered down with the occasional roar that reached Kadota with all their savagery. Kadota tried one of the elevators but the queue stopped him. He took a deep breath and dashed down the stairs himself.

Halfway down the tower Izaya picked up speed. He knew Shizuo should be winding up right about now but when survival mode kicked in Izaya did not take chances. Izaya's scope of action narrowed down to mere movement. Not consciously but at the back of his mind everything was simplified into vectors.

Izaya burst out of the tower into strong sunlight that nearly blinded him. He felt more than saw a heavy object coming his way and dodged. Straight into the road, landing in front of an incoming car.


	44. Chapter 44

Izaya threw himself backward with all he had, tripped on the curb and fell on the pavement. The car swished past, close enough to almost graze him, the horn devouring the city's sounds with its alarm.

There was no time for relief and hardly any to catch his breath. Izaya could not even scramble to his feet before a lamp post came hurling his way. All he could do was roll over, a fine shower of smashed concrete raining over him.

Izaya got up in one smooth jump, wincing as a shot of pain ran up his spine. He must have fallen the wrong way. For a horrifying split second Izaya was not even sure if running was even possible.

The the lamp post was descending upon him again. Izaya crouched, the slashed air above his head whistling in a gust of wind, his legs suddenly a bundle of ragged nerves. He stumbled, the briefest reprieve as Shizuo had to swing back the post, and tried desperately to think.

Desperate circumstances called for desperate measures. Izaya waited for the post, grabbing two handfuls of crushed concrete powder, his calculating skills pushed to an edge of accuracy as he timed a jump. As planned, Izaya landed on the post. It was a precarious equilibrium and a most temporary one, Izaya placed his bets on catching Shizuo by surprise.

It worked. For a few moments Shizuo seemed confused and in that slim window of opportunity Izaya dashed down the pole, his step an act of madness, running straight at Shizuo.

When he got close, all too close, Izaya threw the powder at Shizuo's face. The almost perennial glasses had long along been lost somewhere along Shizuo's rampage and his eyes were defenseless.

Super human strength or not Shizuo could only flail about in his blindness like a modern Samson. Izaya was counting jumping off but before he could Shizuo swung the post sideways. Izaya's body flew out like a mere doll tossed by a child.

Just as physical power could not avail Shizuo once his sight was tampered with, no intelligence could avail Izaya against gravity. Izaya was hurled through the air and crashed into a pile of broken bones. The world grew all white and then Shizuo was walking his way, dragging the post along the wounded concrete.

Izaya tried to get up but his legs collapsed under him immediately. Everything had slowed down to a crawl but it was all the more horrible for that: for the first time Izaya felt that his demise was irrevocable. The fast paced struggle for survival held a prospect of survival, that Shizuo could leisurely stroll his way made it all too obvious that there was no escape possible.

Izaya produced his switchblade with his left hand, his right arm being currently useless. He realized he should have gone for the kill instead of temporarily blinding Shizuo. A swift slash across the throat might have killed Shizuo or put him out of commission.

Either way, Izaya was not about to accept his death. He expected Shizuo to toss the post aside and end it with his own hands. If it came to that Izaya would at least scar Shizuo for life. He was too much of a realist to hope for anything else.

And then Kadota was standing over him. Izaya could only see his back as Kadota faced Shizuo.

Izaya fully meant to protest but he was made speechless by Kadota who threw his beanie at Shizuo's face, hard.

"Heiwajima Shizuo! Snap out of it or I swear you'll be held accountable for double murder!"

Shizuo blinked. The beanie slapping his face caught him entirely off guard and with Izaya entirely disarmed he felt less compelled to charge ahead.

"Move out of the way, gotta kill a flea."

"I'm not moving. And you're not killing Izaya unless you want to kill me as well."

"Huh?"

A van screeched to a halt and the door slammed open to reveal none other than Erika and Walker who promptly rushed to Izaya's side with a stretcher. With surprising gentleness they placed him on the stretcher and carried him to the van. Kadota followed, walking backward so he could keep an eye on Shizuo the whole time.

"Get us out of here!"


	45. Chapter 45

Togusa needed no further prompting. He slammed the pedal and drove the van away in record time. Kadota kept watch from the rear window to insure Shizuo did not follow or throw something their way.

Shizuo was too puzzled to do anything. His rage had worked itself out of his system, leaving him disappointed that Izaya had escaped but more than anything stunned at Kadota's actions. He was still standing there in dumb confusion long after the van had disappeared, staring blankly at the bloodied concrete.

Dim shapes and garbled sounds drifted closer then faded away entirely. Time held no sway in this limbo. Miles and miles above Izaya there was a glimmer of light, the surface of consciousness, impossibly distant. How much easier to linger here in space-less darkness than to struggle upward.

Everything in blurred suspension. Izaya felt afloat yet deep underwater at the same time. He sank within himself into a comfortable state of numbness. His will was set at zero, defaulted to inertia.

By subtle degrees he began to emerge. The shapes gained definition, the low murmur grew louder but the progress was ever so slow and occasionally relapsed into an emptier void. The light came within his reach only to recede away.

His first conscious impression was heaviness. Even before he opened his eyes he was aware of his body as dead weight. Even his eyelids were heavy, it took an effort to open them and Izaya winced painfully as glaring light assaulted his feeble senses.

A sudden sense of vertigo followed as his eyesight focused on his very bright surroundings. Unable to square off conflicting sensory input Izaya closed his eyes.

"Welcome to the land of the living, Izaya."

He recognized the voice. Its familiar ring allowed his perception to coalesce into a coherent whole.

"Shinra...or is it Enma-sama?"

"I see you are doing much better if you can crack bad jokes."

Shinra checked the dripping IV going into Izaya's arm.

"Just happened to me?"

"Shizuo happened to you. You can ask him about the details later."

Shinra nodded to a chair by the side of the bed on which Kadota could be found. Kadota was fast asleep, the beanie askew across the forehead.

"What is he doing here?"

Izaya's mind was too muddled to make sense of things.

"That's the million dollar question. It's perfectly normal if you can't remember, your body took quite a hit. Goes to show you're tougher than you seem."

It took an effort to look at Kadota's way and Izaya refrained from doing so. Worry was building up by insufferable degrees and he could hear the steady beep of the machines hooked to him picking up speed along with his heartbeat.

"So, do you have any dreadful news to give me? Along the lines of my legs being done for? Tell the truth, Shinra."

"Against all odds you're expected to make a full recovery."

Izaya relaxed, exhaling slowly.

"Thank you."

"It's Kadota you have to thank. You wouldn't be alive today if not for him."

The subject of Kadota was too portentous for Izaya to even consider at the moment. Already Izaya felt exhaustion catching up with him and spreading all over his battered body and hovering over his mind.

"How long was I out?"

"A whole week."

It pained Izaya that he should have so much time unaccounted for.

"My sisters…?"

"They just left, I'll tell them you're awake right away."

"Wait a bit. I can see them tomorrow."

Shinra nodded.

"Alright. I'll leave you to rest now."

Izaya cast a glance at Kadota.

"Shouldn't you wake him up?"

"Let the guy sleep, he's already had any shuteye. Oh and he got you an uneven, non-prime numbered room and bed. Insisted on it, in fact."

Izaya cast his eyes on the ceiling. His feelings seemed to exist apart from him just like his body felt disconnected from a mind that was still sluggish. He inhabited a world of muted sensation, antiseptic scent, machinery humming, harsh white light. In the middle of it all Izaya was an outcast, a feeble individual element not yet fully in tune with his surroundings.

Kadota's presence was a strange comfort. A reassurance that Izaya could not quite understand. Meanwhile Shinra was talking.

"What you need is to take your time and recover. No rushing into things for rest assured you won't be getting out of here anytime soon."


	46. Chapter 46

Izaya granted him a pale smile.

"Ah, I'm already afraid to see how much you'll charge me."

"Good. Glad to have you back, Izaya."

"Glad to be back."

Izaya sensed more than saw Shinra leaving. Similarly, looking at Kadota was too difficult but he was intensely aware of his presence. Izaya closed his eyes and let go of thinking entirely. Kadota was a silent force supporting Izaya. Relying on someone so completely was entirely new to Izaya but for the time being he was content.

Izaya felt very secure, not only because his body was on the mend but mostly because Kadota was there for him. Gratitude was not entirely foreign to him but he had never experienced it in this degree. Izaya did not quite bask in it but did nothing to counter it either. The path of least resistance was the only option and if that meant accepting what came his way then that was that.

A few barriers had been knocked down for him and for once Izaya had no strength or drive to rebuild them.

"Kadota? Good morning."

Kadota snapped awake, eyes wild and red rimmed.

"Izaya! You're awake,"

"That I am."

Kadota had to curb his first impulse to hug Izaya.

"How do you feel?"

"Not too shabby. But I must say, you do not look too hot."

Kadota smiled. Shinra had reassured him time and time again that Izaya would be just fine but only now did Kadota let go of his fears. A few shades paler and still immobilized, Izaya retained the snarkiness and there was a glint of glint of mischief to his red eyes. It did a world of good to Kadota.

"You're the one in a hospital bed."

"And you're the one sleeping with a beanie on. Are you deliberately trying to become bald?"

"I forgot all about it."

As if reminded anew Kadota scratched his head through said beanie.

"I was wondering whether you normally slept wearing that."

"I don't- but forget the beanie, are you really alright? I'll get Shinra,"

"Let us leave Shinra-sensei to his own devices. I am as fine as a sushi deprived individual can be said to be fine."

But Kadota was already out the door and back with Shinra in no time.

"Shinra-sensei!"

"Back to your unfunny mocking self, I see."

"Not at all. You've been promoted to proper doctor status, thus 'Shinra-sensei.'"

"Right…"

Kadota interrupted.

"Is Izaya alright?"

"He'll be fine and dandy."

Shinra took Izaya's blood pressure and made some notes on his chart more to please Kadota than anything else. Shinra showed Izaya how to use the bell to call the nurse if needed and once more left Kadota and Izaya on their own.

"So, Kadota. Care to tell me how I found myself in this most unpleasant situation?"

Kadota blinked.

"You don't remember?"

"I'm afraid not. The good doctor tells me it's due to shock and to be expected."

Kadota was not looking forward to telling Izaya.

"What's the last thing you do remember?"

"I was getting queuing up to visit Skytree then next thing I know I'm here."

It saddened Kadota that what headway he had made with Izaya had been wiped out. He took a deep breath and recounted Izaya's misadventure with Shizuo. Izaya heard him in placid silence.

"That was rather irrational of you, Kadota."

"Just what I was supposed to do…no way I'd let that brute kill you. Besides, you saved me first."

"After a proper risk assessment, I'm sure."

"Still."

"Arguably, not as proper as it might have been but it worked as you escaped unscathed."

"Who cares about that,"

"I do."

"Well, that is,"

"It is precisely what as stated. I am sure you can imagine I would be less than pleased if I went to all this trouble only for you to end up maimed for life or dead."

"Better me than you."

The unshaken determination in Kadota's tone impressed Izaya. For a while no one spoke, an antiseptic silence creeping along into a full minute. Izaya picked up the conversation anew.

"As long you don't end up blaming himself."

Kadota's eyes darted away immediately. Izaya narrowed his own. "Kadota, look at me."

Very reluctantly, Kadota obeyed.

"It's my fault you're-"

"Pay very close attention to what I am about to tell you. My actions are dictated by my own will and whatever results from them falls on me and no one else. There is already too much for which one truly is responsible to take on other people's deeds as one's own."


	47. Chapter 47

Kadota did not care for the subtleties of Izaya's argumentation. There was a core of affection underneath such sophistry but Kadota could only infer it.

"Doesn't make me feel any better."

"It should. As it should the fact that we are both alive to even have this disagreement. In other words, thank you for saving my life."

Kadota felt something like a physical weight on his chest. Utterly disarmed by Izaya's quiet acknowledgment of gratitude.

"Izaya,"

"How about getting some fresh fish in here?"

Kadota laughed. Relief had its own momentum and it carried him into a place of joy, imperfect as it was. The truism held: having almost lost Izaya made Kadota treasure him anew. His feelings were confirmed and reinforced by this fearful experience.

"Later. But first, the guys at the shogi place want you to represent them in this upcoming competition."

Izaya lifted an eyebrow.

"Have you been in contact with them?"

"I ended up giving them my phone number a while back."

Izaya smiled.

"I wasn't aware you were friends with the shogi crowd."

"I wouldn't say friends…they called me because they couldn't get a hold of you."

After such an emotionally charged exchange Kadota was glad for this moment of unwinding.

"Why would they pick me, though? I am newcomer and they are a tight community of which I am not a part of by default."

Kadota had to restrain himself from fluffing Izaya's hair.

"You're very popular. Besides, they are for all newcomers and 'young blood' as they put it. You're by far the most talented player and they want to win. Normally they hold a tournament to choose the representative but they figured there was point losing time with that and picked you unanimously."

"That I can understand. But I can always lose."

"Not very likely."

Izaya's grin was pure malice.

"Perhaps not but I can lose."

"You mean purpose…?"

"Or not. Either way, the possibility exists. It makes it worth pursuing."

"I thought you were all about winning."

Izaya stared at the ceiling for a while.

"What happens to characters who refuse to admit they may at all lose?"

"They tend to lose epically, right?"

A simple nod. Izaya slid his gaze toward Kadota.

"Precisely. Above all, that is something I must avoid. I will not be the grand manipulator who ends up having a mental breakdown and foaming at the mouth when his plan goes awry. Nor will I be the one whose Rose Bride walks out on him."

"Utena reference?"

Izaya's smile was pure happiness and just as fleeting.

"Shall I destroy the shell or die without being born? I understand I am at something of a crossroads presently."

Kadota swallowed.

"Never mind that now. Just focus on recovering."

Izaya smiled softly.

"I'd make a dreadful Akio, all things considered. A virgin and mostly asexual."

There was much candor in this. Izaya had no memory of their encounter on Sky Tree so he might as well be admitting his lack of sexual experience for the first time. Despite having now urged Izaya to cast aside all considerations about their relationship, Kadota could not help asking.

"Does 'mostly' mean 'not entirely'…?"

"I believe this is called 'grasping for straws'."

But the smile colored Izaya's tone with amicable playfulness.

"Sorry…"

"'Mostly' means just that, 'mostly. I do have a sex drive but it is negligible."

A thought crept into Kadota's mental landscape and caused him to blush furiously. He was still trying to shake it off when Izaya spoke up, a certain lilt to every two word.

"You were just thinking that I'm the type that gets off to masturbating in front a mirror, weren't you."

Kadota started and nearly fell out of the chair.

"How did you know…?"

Izaya giggled, ending on a slight wince as a jab of pain jolted his body.

"You are too easy to read. And no, I do not find my reflection particularly attractive."

"Are you okay? Maybe you should rest some,"

"I have been resting for far too long. Conversation is precisely what I am in need of. Even if the content is somewhat dubious."

Kadota relaxed slightly. He was tuned to every minute change in Izaya, terrified of a turn for the worse.

"It just popped into my mind…"

"I bet. It is pretty vanilla compared to some of the fantasies entertained by my admirers, for lack of a better term."


	48. Chapter 48

"I'm not one of your fangirls, though."

"For which I am thankful."

"They spoke of you in the highest of terms. Your fanboys, too."

"I advise you to stay away from them."

"They'd kill me just for kissing you."

Izaya granted him one of his beautiful smiles, tinged with irony through and through.

"I nearly killed you over that myself so I cannot blame them. Neh?"

"Yeah. True enough."

Kadota had to refrain from tracing Izaya's profile with a finger. A thoughtful silence settled between them. Izaya closed his eyes and remained very quiet. For a while Kadota simply watched. Izaya seemed submerged in sleep like a thin layer of transparent water through which he became the very image of gentleness and peace.

Kadota made as if to leave without making a sound.

"Can't you stay a bit longer?"

Kadota turned around.

"You should get some sleep."

"I'll have plenty of time for that when you're gone."

Kadota settled on the chair again, afraid of reading too much into this and already doing it even as he admonished himself.

"I'll bring you a shogi board tomorrow so you can practice."

"Thanks but I do not need it."

"Of course, you envision the board in your mind. How very Izaya-like."

"I do not need it for practice purposes but I'll need it to play with you."

Kadota felt his heart take a hopeful leap.

"Sure. Anything else you need? Just let me know and I'll get it."

Izaya's eyes narrowed, his gaze turning smooth with a hint of malice.

"We could play strip shogi."

"Let's not. It can't possibly end well for me."

"It's a game that you'd very much like to win, I gather?"

Kadota blinked. Izaya was all innocence.

"Are you asking if I'd like to see you naked?"

"You're usually faster on the uptake. Are you sure Shizuo didn't hit you in the head with something?"

"Now you're just being mean."

Izaya broke into one of his beaming smiles.

"Precisely. I can be mean, very much so in fact, so don't go thinking 'poor Izaya, he's an invalid so I must smother him with affection.'"

Kadota sighed in defeat.

"Okay, point taken. You have a problem accepting kindness, don't you."

"I've done little to earn anyone's kindness."

"Isn't it more that your way of showing kindness is just too convoluted? Or just too strange?"

"One could say I am selective in the emotions I show."

Kadota had to laugh.

"You think?"

"A true conversation is a free exchange of information. Or to be more accurate, it is an exchange in which the information you receive is paid in the information you provide."

It took Kadota a few moments see the connection between this abstract statement and the personal discussion they had been immersed in. It felt as if Izaya was retreating into mind games, that realm of refined mental constructions in which he ruled supreme and of which he was a prisoner. Kadota had to ponder, a slight crease forming on his forehead.

"As in, both parties learn as much about as they tell?"

"Yes. If the topic is the people involved then each person learns as much about the other as they inform the other about themselves."

Kadota blinked at the odd way Izaya presented his argument. Izaya had a wide range of verbal expression that went from the easygoing colloquial with plenty of urban lingo thrown in for good measure to borderline syllogisms such as could be found in manuals and everything in between. To muddle the waters even further, Izaya would switch from highly informal, almost comradely language to cold, elegant formal modes of speech. And Kadota had yet to find a way of decoding all this, an elusive key to draw correspondences between emotional states and particular forms of speaking. All Kadota had was an intuition that was often amiss.

"Is that how you view our conversations?"

"I gather that you disagree."

"Well, the way I see it, I'm the one who ends up spilling the beans while you are…well, you."

"I was speaking of an ideal form of conversation but I believe we are closer to it than we were before."

"I see what you mean…at least I think I know, it's not always easy to tell."


	49. Chapter 49

"Knowledge has been a tricky topic for the longest of times, we need not trouble ourselves if we have yet to solve everything about epistemology."

Kadota had no vested interest in epistemology but he realized that to connect with Izaya at an intimate level he would need to match Izaya's deep thinking.

"Whatever happened to the 'smart guy/emotional guy' combo? It's supposed to be popular, opposites attract and all that."

"It could be you've been paying too much attention to Erika's theories."

"Not really,"

Kadota blushed anew. Izaya smiled.

"Were you just wondering which one of us is the top and the bottom?"

"God, how do you do it? Pry into my mind like that."

"In this particular case it was rather easy. Erika is obsessed with BL and slashes her male acquaintances, bringing her up in this context leads to considering sexual roles in a homosexual relationship."

"Well, I guess it's fairly obvious when you put it like that…"

Kadota's embarrassment lingered. It had acquired a recurring quality, surfacing at the worst possible moments. They might be on an equal footing when it came to lack of sexual experience but Izaya had a way of being so candid about it that Kadota could not help but feel at a disadvantage.

"If you want to pursue this line of thought, you should keep in mind that control is fundamental to me."

Kadota blinked very rapidly. More than ever he felt compelled to be protective of Izaya but it was clear Izaya was not about to make things easier on him by acting the passive wounded patient. It was a relief as it meant Izaya might have been shaken by his brush with death but not at all defeated. On the other hand it made it difficult to figure out how to treat him. Kadota was more than ready and capable of taking care of Izaya and at some level was even looking forward to spoon feeding him, wheeling him around, bringing him all sorts of treats. Having Izaya rely on him could very well be the boost to their relationship and a silver lining in an otherwise dreadful event.

Kadota should have known better.

"You're saying you'd top…? I thought you weren't into that kind of thing,"

Izaya giggled.

"I greatly enjoy hypothetical scenarios, remember?"

"Well, yeah…"

"Did you assume I would be the bottom by default?"

"Can't say I've given a lot of thought to actual details like that."

"I am not entirely sure I would call it a detail."

"I mean, it's not like I thought how it'd actually work."

Izaya had accused him of just that not too long ago.

"I suppose you're familiar with the Kinsey scale?"

"The one with the one with the degrees of sexual orientation?"

"Yes. There are six degrees. Of course, the distinction is a bit arbitrary and allows for many gray zones but it is quite useful. To boot, zero is exclusively heterosexual, one is mainly heterosexual but occasionally homosexual, two is mainly heterosexual but more than occasionally homosexual, three is equally homosexual and heterosexual, four is mainly homosexual but more than occasionally heterosexual, five is mainly homosexual and occasionally heterosexual, six is exclusively homosexual. Where do you stand on the scale?"

Kadota scratched his head through the beanie.

"I really can't say when you put it like that."

Izaya lifted an eyebrow in mock surprise.

"I was under the impression you had it somewhat figured out."

"Sorry to disappoint. But it's not as if sexual orientation has much to do with anything."

"I beg to differ."

"I never thought guys were cute before starting to see you in that light, so to speak."

Izaya eased back, sinking into the pillow, eyes closing. Kadota waited until he was sure Izaya was indeed fast asleep. Izaya must have been pushing himself just to keep the conversation going, which was both immensely flattering and unacceptable to Kadota. He stole away from the hospital room, making sure to close the door silently. Shinra was waiting for him.

"It goes without saying but I might as well remind you that the last thing Izaya needs is agitation."

Kadota smiled weakly.

"It's more likely I'll get agitated than he is."

"Except you're not my responsibility. Izaya is."

"Got it."


	50. Chapter 50

Shinra adjusted his glasses, a gesture Kadota identified as his meaning business.

"Izaya always had his selfishness to defend him. It has seen him through time and time again. Don't take that away from him."

"I know it's my fault,"

"I'm not blaming you. Just letting you know how things stand. If you're serious about Izaya then you better realize that you have a responsibility. In other words, if he ever lands in my ward I will hold you responsible."

It was not precisely a threat but Kadota could read between the lines well enough to know what Shinra was aiming at. He nodded in defeated assent. Kadota was too emotionally battered to view Shinra's warning as anything but a stern reprimand on his conduct, an impression reinforced by the fact that Kadota himself felt the same way. There was no mental space in Kadota to consider Shinra's feeling toward Izaya.

Kadota made his way back home in a daze of sorts, a mixture of heaviness and hope that unbalanced him. Fortunately Erika, Walker and Togusa were waiting for him and for once did not barge into his privacy. Kadota let their quirkiness wash all over him as a greatly needed distraction.

* * *

><p>"Shinra-sensei, why don't you join forces with Kadota here and see if you can beat me."<p>

Izaya spoke without looking up from the shogi board. Even before catching a bit of white from the corner of his eye he recognized Shinra by his footsteps. Izaya could pick up particular individuals in the faceless Tokyo crowds by identifying visual cues and other markers with an immediacy that often across as preternatural.

"I'd take more than me and Kadota working together to beat you. Probably only Deep Blue can do the trick."

Shinra busied himself changing Izaya's IV drip bag, a task he could have easily delegated on a nurse. Izaya did not even glance at him or at Kadota who sat by the bed next to the board.

"You cannot know for sure until you try. And Deep Blue played chess, not shogi."

"So, how's the score?"

Kadota scratched his head through the beanie.

"What you'd expect, Izaya's won every game so far. Four out of four."

"If I win a fifth time you'll be taking that beanie off for good."

"Okay."

Izaya sighed dramatically enough.

"It is no fun when you comply so readily."

Shinra had to chuckle.

"You've just been told. Give me your arm, need to check your blood pressure."

"Do be gentle, Shinra-sensei."

"Cut that out, will you. I'm beginning to feel like Doctor Tenma here."

Izaya widened his eyes in mock surprise.

"Was that a Monster reference? How hardcore of you. Why, Kadota's otaku friends would be most impressed."

Kadota smiled weakly, feeling somewhat out of the loop. Meanwhile Shinra had attached the cuff, checked the values and detached it.

"All normal. Now that's something people don't tell you very often, I bet."

"I do not get compared to pure evil all that often either. That hurt, Shinra."

"You poor soul."

Kadota was aware that Shinra and Izaya were trying to assure him that all was fine in their own unconventional way. But he was not convinced.

"Gentleman, I believe it is time for a change of pace. I say you two play shogi for my enjoyment."

Shinra pulled a chair.

"Alright but only if you don't take sides."

"Why, are you implying I would interfere with the outcome of the game in an underhanded manner?"

"Not implying, I'm saying as much."

"I take your baseless criticism with great poise and grace."

Izaya arranged the board and pieces, neatly ignoring Kadota's all too solicitous ways. As much as Kadota yearned to be alone with Izaya there was a burden on him that made Shinra's presence a welcome reprieve.

"So, are we playing for stakes here or?"

"Such a mercenary attitude, one worries for the future of the medical profession. You'll be playing for my enjoyment."

"I'm already curing you, now I have to amuse you as well?"

"But of course. You cannot simply focus on repairing my body, I need intellectual stimulation as well."

Shinra picked up a piece.

"'Intellectual', he says."

"Less innuendo, more shogi. And look alive, Kadota. The good doctor has some shogi skills."

Izaya turned to Kadota as if to question his silence. Kadota had been receding from the here and now in a non-entirely conscious attempt of avoiding Izaya.


	51. Chapter 51

"So is there a penalty to losing?"

"As previously Kadota has to relinquish his beanie for good if he loses."

"And if I lose?"

"I get to wear your glasses and white coat."

"I'd be practically blind and naked then."

Izaya flashed Shinra a beautiful smile.

"That is the whole point."

"Always a troll."

"You should inform your dear Celty about that. I've caught her hovering about me in a motherly fashion that disturbed me so much I was entirely robbed of speech."

"It can't be helped, she has a soft spot for the wounded. Even when it's you we're talking about."

"Ah, to be pitied is such a painful experience."

As it so often happened, Izaya's face value display of emotion was merely that, face value.

"You'll have to learn how to live with it."

"You can at least tell her not to bombard me with what I believe is meant to be edible stuffs but comes across as Chernobyl refuse. I keep seeing these vaguely sandwich like item materialize whenever I wake up. It is quite disturbing."

As much as Celty despised Izaya and everything he stood for, she not help feeling sorry for him. Her better nature got the best out of her very reasoned apprehension. She had been there as Izaya struggled to grasp the tenuous thread of his life and before she knew it she was hoping against hope that he would pull through. Even though Celty had thought more than once that the world would be a better place if Izaya were to disappear, she found herself rooting for him with all her might.

Still, Celty could not quite bring herself to present her well-intentioned but flavorless culinary blunders in person. Since Izaya spent so much time sleeping she could easily glide into the room and silently deposit the product of many hours toiling in the kitchen on his bedside table.

"A decent person would be grateful someone's cooking for them and make sure to eat it all."

"You could be wrong in assuming that she is expressing kindness toward my person. Perhaps hers are food offerings to the dead, a way of saying that I should hurry and join the deceased."

Shinra sighed, adjusted his glasses and hunched over slightly.

"Don't assuming other people are nasty like you."

Izaya laughter caused Kadota to unglue his eyes from the board.

"This place is missing a window and some billowy curtains so I could look out most longingly at the sky and be ever so poetic in my contemplation of mortality and the worth of human life."

"Well, it's a basement so no window for you. How about I get you a skull? Meditate on that."

"'Alas poor Yorik'?"

Shinra had something to say but Kadota cut him off.

"The rest, 'fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy', is a bit like you."

"Except I am most unfunny. And take the following lines out of contest and you're in for a real treat. Isn't that so, Kadota?"

Shinra put down a piece with enough emphasis to make it clatter.

"Your loss, the beanie is coming off."

Too glad for the distraction to even mind it, Kadota made as if to hand over the beanie to Shinra but Izaya intercepted it.

"I'll keep it. You can always challenge the good doctor again for a grudge rematch. I am not giving up on Shinra's glasses and lab coat."

Shinra got up.

"It may come as a shock to you but I have other patients to attend to and can't spend all my time playing shogi for your amusement. Not to mention you just set this to be an end game of sorts, what's this talk of a rematch?"

"That's how games work. There is always an ultimate match just around the corner."

"Can't say I see the point."

"One plays for-"

Shinra cut him short by applying his lips to Izaya's forehead. Kadota blinked. To Izaya's credit he did not squirm away.

"No fever."

"Shinra-sensei, are you acquainted with this device that goes by the name of 'thermometer'? I believe it has been around for quite a while now."

"Thermometers go into all sorts all places, don't they."

"Ah, that was most definitely uncalled for."

Shinra glanced at his watch.

"Visiting hours are almost over."

It was Shinra's none too subtle hint for Kadota to leave. Shinra himself was gone almost immediately with a mere nod in Kadota's direction.

"I should be going now, is there anything you need?"


	52. Chapter 52

Kadota busied himself putting away the shogi things.

"Plenty of things. Including less mopping on your part but that may be too much to ask. For now I'll settle for a copy of Kafka's The Castle."

"Okay, I'll bring you one tomorrow."

"There's a catch: I want it in the original German."

Now deprived of the perennial beanie, Kadota felt exceedingly awkward as he scratched his head.

"That'll be a bit harder but I can manage. Just how many languages can you speak, by the way?"

"Stay by my side and you may find out."

"Am I allowed to do that, then? Stand by your side."

"I have been trying to state as much for a while. It did not seem to get across, though."

"Feel free to treat me like a simpleton and make things very plain."

"That'd be horribly dull, which is bad, and would make no justice to our relationship, which would be worse."

Kadota smiled weakly.

"Fair enough."

"And one more thing. Don't let Shinra's trolling get to you."

Kadota did not see Shinra's actions in that light but he knew better than to say as much.

* * *

><p>"To think you'd find it on such a short notice!"<p>

Izaya glowed as Kadota produced the book from a bag.

"Found it at Kanda Jimbocho."

Izaya's fingers leafed the pages in the guise of a caress. Already he seemed to have adapted to only using his left hand.

"That's something a detour for you. I hope you enjoyed the trip."

It occurred to Kadota that Izaya had requested a particularly difficult to find edition precisely to force Kadota to look for it and thus leave the hospital environs. Kadota was grateful, the change of pace had done him good and he owed it to Izaya. Left to his own devices Kadota would haunt the hospital very much like a haggard shadow.

"It was nice. But why Kafka? Isn't it too depressing for a convalescent?"

"Not at all. Kafka is immensely rewarding."

"I agree but it can bring one down. Especially when you're in the hospital."

Izaya was still admiring the book with its deep red cover.

"Kafka's claustrophobic environments are very involving and make one's present situation always seem much better in comparison."

"That's a good point. Need any help handling it? I mean, with the cast and all."

Kadota could not help but feel awkward whenever he extended his help to Izaya.

"There is no need for that. Did you pick a book for yourself as well?"

"Oh, no. Didn't think of that."

"I have the horrible feeling I'll have to enquire into your eating habits next."

"I'm eating properly…"

Kadota pulled a chair and sat by Izaya's bedside.

"On that note, I might as well remind you to provide me with fresh fish. We can share."

"When my budget allows. By the way, what's with the new outfit?"

Izaya had gone from drab nondescript hospital clothes to silky black pajamas.

"I got Namie-san to get me a greatly needed change in apparel."

"Is that what you normally sleep in?"

Izaya's smile was very slow and deliberate.

"Curious?"

"Just wondering…"

"It is very comfortable and suits me quite well."

"Stylish even in the bedroom, huh."

Izaya's very pale skin glowed softly against the luxurious dark fabric. It fit him perfectly, down to the cuff around Izaya's delicate left wrist, lending him an easy sensual allure as if he were lounging about a handpicked harem instead of recovering from serious injuries. Not even the cast on his right arm dispelled the impression. A very clear mental picture suddenly assaulted Kadota, Izaya waking up, tousled hair, ruffled black pajamas, rubbing sleepy eyes with silky cuffs.

Kadota did not want to consider Izaya's sexiness but this daydream, as cute as it might be, was too much of 'morning after' fantasy.

"Just because there is no one else around is no excuse to let oneself go."

"It looks good on you. I mean,"

"On that subject, I was scouted to join a Butler Café once."

Kadota blinked once. Then twice.

"Are you serious? How did that even happen?"


	53. Chapter 53

"I was strolling around Akihabara when I was approached by a fellow who was recruiting staff for a newly opened Butler Café."

"Come to think of it, I can see that happening."

"Because I am such an attractive young man?"

"Well, yeah. You are. And you know as much. I've lost track of all the people going 'kya, Izaya is like so totally hot' I put up with."

"To be fair, you went out of your way to meet such people."

Kadota sighed.

"Wait, do you remember what we talked about at Skytree?"

"I don't. But I know you've been making asking about my alleged sex life."

"'Alleged sex life', that is so like you. So, how did it go with the Butler Café?"

"I turned down the offer. As interesting as it might have been, I am not made to work under anyone else."

It occurred to Kadota that adapting to a schedule, being forced to wear a uniform and having to cater to others were all tasks quite beyond Izaya's scope. The man who was poised to rule the entire city was unable of performing simple jobs that put him under someone else's authority. For Izaya underachievement was a means of survival.

"It was the customers' loss, then."

"I thought I was too creepy for that."

"It makes you wonder, though…what 'creepy' is. I mean, aren't the people who go to these places to drool over attractive people way creepier?"

"That's a very pertinent point of view. This adulation of attractive individuals can easily deteriorate into their becoming hostages of sorts. Their admirers expect them to exist for their own sake. This results in fans making outrageous demands out of their idols even down to said idols' private life. It is a rather common phenomenon, too."

"I see you don't think highly out of celebrity culture."

"It is deliciously dysfunctional. But what I find even more fascinating is the otaku phenomenon when taken to its extreme. When living humans beings become unable to emote with actual people and can only relate to purely fictionally characters."

Kadota smiled as he thought of Erika and Walker's aping over the latest light novel protagonist.

"It can be taken too far, yeah."

"It raises some interesting questions. Why would anyone seek out a partner that is by definition unable to ever reciprocate? It is solipsism in practice."

Kadota had seen the sad hordes of hollowed eyed carrying body pillows and he brought them to mind now.

"I think it goes a bit like, 'this is a perfect girlfriend who will never resent or reject me'."

Izaya traced a caress on the cover of the book, a thoughtful gesture.

"It stems from an absolute dread of reality, aspiring to that which magically suits you in every way so that you get full gratification with minimal effort. The bargain is an empty one."

Kadota had to tell himself not to read too much into Izaya's words as much as they echoed their own relationship. Then it hit him that Izaya was not so much talking about interpersonal connections as to his relation to the world at large. This gave him pause. Izaya's extrapolation might very well be a key element to his character.

"Would you like to be spirited away to a like Disboard-like world where your super intelligence and knack for games would pretty much make you a living a god?"

Izaya granted him another of his slow smiles. Kadota had learned to recognize if not necessarily understand a gamut of smiles to Izaya. This one seemed to denote quiet sadness.

"I would abhor that, actually."

"Can I know why?"

"As fiction No Game/No Life is highly entertaining and amusing. But there are many implications to your wanting to live in such a universe. Saying, 'I yearn to go to a place in which my skillset will allow me to ascend to godhood' amounts to saying 'My existence is not strong enough to make me carve my own path in life, this world rejects me and I am powerless to counter it, I am too weak to make my skillset in any way relevant to the world into which I was born and as such I accept my role as a victim and admit that the judgment passed on me is accurate.'"


	54. Chapter 54

"And your take on it is?"

Izaya looked straight into Kadota's eyes.

"If this world denies me then I will make it accept my existence as ultimate, if the world is to reject me then I will change it until I stand at its utmost apex through the strength of being myself."

"'Grant me the power to bring the world revolution', huh…who would've guessed that you're closer to Utena than to Akio."

"One can make a point for Akio wanting a revolution of sorts."

Kadota laughed.

"Well, yeah. That's the beauty of Utena, it lends itself to interpretation. And you do like fiction a lot, don't you?"

"I do. As soon as you are gone I will immerse myself into the world of Kafka and make mine the protagonist's plight. But what I draw from fiction is a greater awareness of reality, I do not exile myself there."

"I haven't read The Castle yet, isn't it very much like The Trial?"

"The two are often compared as they run along the same lines. But The Castle is Kafka's final novel and did not even get completed or properly reviewed. As a result there are plenty of errors in continuity."

Izaya nodded.

"Indeed. But in a way it is also remarkably interesting."

"How so?"

"A finished work of narrative fiction has been polished to the point you can hardly see the writer's thought process throughout the creative process. But in a raw novel it is much easier to feel the writer just beneath each word. For example, a character that was initially male becomes female in a later chapter. Why? What motivated the change? Just that one detail can be enough to occupy one's mind for hours on end."

"I see what you mean. You can see how the author changed their mind along the way."

Izaya aimed a very slow, deliberate and borderline vindictive smile at Kadota.

"If someone was writing a romantic story about us they might have first thought you'd make a decent top only to realize that it's the only position I would ever even contemplate as an option."

Kadota was not even sure what was more mortifying, the blush he could not help or that it was precisely what Izaya expected. He was still struggling for a fitting response when the door slamming open startled him into silence. In strode Namie.

"Hello, Namie-san! I don't believe you've been properly introduced. Kadota, this is Yagiri Namie-san. Namie-san, meet Kadota Kyohei."

Namie spared Kadota the briefest of glances. He stumbled to his feet most awkwardly.

"Are you sure about this? I can easily have you transferred to a topnotch hospital. There is no need to stay in this dump of a place."

Already Namie was checking the contents of the IV drip.

"This not that bad a hospital. Besides, no money can ever pay the kind of care I receive here."

Namie did not seem to notice Izaya's faint smile as she moved over to consult the chart at the feet of the bed and quickly flipped through it.

"So you say. If you change your mind let me know."

"Will do. But Namie-san, I believe you forgot to bring some delicious fresh fish without which I cannot possibly recover."

There was nothing left for Kadota to do but excuse himself much earlier than he would have liked. He knew that Namie and Izaya wanted to discuss things that could not be mentioned in his presence.

For all the headway Kadota might have made he was all too aware that Izaya kept a mountain of secrets from him. And while Kadota would be more than willing to find out all about them he was not sure it would ever happen.

* * *

><p>"I can eat by myself, Shinra-sensei."<p>

Shinra paid absolutely no heed and brought a spoonful of soup to Izaya's lips.

"Open your mouth."

"Could it be that you're actually a diehard S at heart? Because I'm pretty sure you're enjoying this way too much."

Shinra chuckled.

"So you can tell, huh? As to be expected from the great Orihara Izaya. Now open your mouth so I can feed you."

Izaya sighed up obeyed.

"Yes, my master."

"I'm your doctor so it's your job to do as I say."

"Mengele was a doctor as well, I believe."

"Do you have to compare me a Nazi?"

"It's a higher level of Godwin's Law."

Shinra made a point of adjusting his glasses.

"All the more incentive for you to do as you're told or I may have to perform some unsavory experiments on you."


	55. Chapter 55

Izaya gasped comically enough.

"But doctor…to think you wanted to do this and that to my body,"

Shinra shoved the spoon a bit harder than needed.

"You never learn, do you. Haven't you finished the book yet? It's been a week."

Izaya spluttered simply for show after which he resumed eating.

"I'm taking my time to let Kafka's genius resonate with mine."

The spoon tinkled loudly as Shinra bumped it against the bowl.

"You're having trouble reading. You still need a lot of painkillers so it's perfectly normal if your head is a bit fuzzy. Don't strain it too much. But you should have told me."

"Reduce the painkillers' dosage, then. I'd rather be in pain with a clear mind than floating out to lala land."

"Won't happen so you can save your breath."

Izaya's shrug came across as rather awkward because of the cast.

"Ah, it's a dictatorship pure and simple."

"You're perfectly right. Say 'Ah'."

For a while Izaya allowed himself to be fed quietly.

"Can I expect to recover the memories of the fatidic incidents that brought me here?"

"It's best if you forget. No point in dwelling on painful recollections. The gist of it and what you need to keep in mind is that you shouldn't put yourself in danger again."

Izaya granted him a slow smile.

"You're becoming way too fond of telling me what I ought to think, feel and do. That aside, I cannot agree that some things are best forgotten. I am the result of a body of memories, a gap in which compromises my sense of identity."

"Well, the person you are is presently the result of not having those memories. So getting them back is a greater infringement on the amazing 'Orihara Izaya'ness."

Izaya blinked in surprise.

"Fast thinking, Shinra-sensei."

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

"More than anything, even more than death itself, what I fear the most is losing mental faculties."

Shinra shifted uncomfortably.

"What's this all of a sudden?"

"I will not accept life without consciousness. If I ever become injured past a point of no return then I expect you to pull the plug and kill me yourself."

Shinra dropped the spoon with a clatter. For a few moments of conflicted silence he tried to manage the bundle of emotions that threatened to break his composure altogether. When at least Shinra spoke again his voice was thick.

"Do you have any idea what you're asking of me?"

"I understand it perfectly. Call it vain ambition if you will but I expect too much out of life to accept it in any terms other than my own."

Shinra got up.

"Listen to me very carefully. If that were to happen I wouldn't kill you. More, I wouldn't let anyone else do it. If it would take a miracle to bring you back then I'd trust in a miracle. Do not ever dare even hint at this again."

It was Izaya's turn to be silent.

"It seems I have miscalculated."

Izaya's choice of wording was as ever deliberate. He approached human interaction through a series of high precision calculations. Any error in his assessment of how people felt was indeed a miscalculation on his part.

Shinra nodded and sat down again. He proceeded to uncover a plate on the tray.

"Main dish is meatballs and mashed potatoes. Sorry if it's not Michelin star enough for your highness."

Izaya smiled almost timidly.

"Looks most definitely scrumptious. Do cut these into chewable morsels lest I choke."

* * *

><p>Kadota was about to knock when he noticed voices coming from inside Izaya's room. He hesitated for the briefest of moments and before he knew it he found himself overhearing the conversation.<p>

"More than anything, even more than death itself, what I fear the most is losing mental faculties."

Kadota's hand was already close to the door. He now withdrew it rapidly, his breath caught on his throat. In his sudden dismay Kadota did not even catch the reply.

"I will not accept life without consciousness. If I ever become injured past a point of no return then I expect you to pull the plug and kill me yourself."

Kadota was sure that he must have gasped. If so, the loud metallic noise must have muffled it. Vaguely, from a dim region in his mind, Kadota knew that this was no grand revelation but a logical conclusion of everything Izaya was. None of that did anything to diminish the almost physical sense of apprehension that took hold of him.


	56. Chapter 56

"Listen to me very carefully. If that were to happen I wouldn't kill you. More, I wouldn't let anyone else do it. If it would take a miracle to bring you back then I'd trust in a miracle. Do not ever dare even hint at this again."

Shinra's voice. Barely recognizable. Kadota fully endorsed the content but he was unsure what to make of the tone. It was with a supreme effort that Kadota turned around and quickly walked away. More than Izaya's request, it was the glimpse into Shinra's naked pain that made Kadota feel that he had overstepped a boundary.

So caught was he that he nearly ran into Celty who was going in the opposite direction.

[Kadota? Did something happen?]

"Oh, nothing,"

Celty was not convinced but decided to let it slide.

[Have you seen Shinra?]

Kadota placed himself squarely in front of Celty, blocking her way.

"He's having a conversation with Izaya- it seems important, best to leave them alone for now."

Having already intruded on Izaya's privacy, not to mention Shinra's, Kadota wanted to compensate. Celty hesitated again.

[Oh. I just dropped by to give him a change if clothes. Ever since he moved here it's been a bit hectic]

By common accord they drifted to a nook in the fire exit stairs.

"Moved here?"

[He's been staying in a spare room because of this whole thing with Izaya. Wants to be available 24/7]

Kadota did not know what to say. Celty typed frantically.

[Izaya isn't supposed to know.]

"I get it."

Keeping secrets from Izaya was not easy, even in a haze of anesthetics he had a way of rooting out what was meant to be hidden. Kadota would have to be careful lest he let it slip.

[Shinra never did this before]

"It's a personal case, Izaya isn't just a patient."

There were all sorts of reasons why Kadota did not want to pursue this line of thought any further.

[I got him some rice balls…not too sure he appreciates but still]

Celty produced these and Kadota had to smile at their misshapen form.

"Izaya isn't too skilled when it comes to expressing gratitude. Odds are he's happy about it but he's not used to knowing how to react."

[That's pretty sad]

Kadota did not want to agree but he could not disagree either. So he said nothing. In the distance Izaya's beloved city loomed with its treacherous horizon of uneven angles.

* * *

><p>Kadota took a deep breath before knocking.<p>

"Come in."

Izaya greeted him with a ready smile.

"Hi. How you doing?"

"Considerably better now that I detect you're carrying some fresh fish that I assume is for my person."

Kadota placed the package he was carrying on a tray attached to the bedside table.

"You don't miss a beat, do you."

"I can detect sushi from a mile away. It's a gift."

Kadota laughed, deeply relieved that the mood was so light even if was not likely to last.

"Such a talented man, huh. Here,"

Kadota already had a slice of fatty tuna on chopsticks that he dipped in soy sauce.

"It seems that feeding me is becoming a habit."

"Sorry, didn't mean it like that."

Izaya was silent for a while.

"When one is so disabled as to be immobilized, doing what little one is capable becomes disproportionately important. I have a perfectly functional arm. However, it seems that there are times when allowing others to do things for you is even more important to them. So keep the tuna coming, Kadota."

Izaya distanced himself from direct experience through his language patterns, Kadota noticed it immediately but that did not diminish the import of his words. The IV drip attached to Izaya's self-proclaimed perfectly functional arm made it seem very frail.

"So you're making me a favor?"

Kadota's tone was gentle.

"You can think of it that way, yes. Does it bother you?"

"Not at all. It might coming from someone else but not in your case."

"Care you elaborate on that?"

"When it comes to you, just accepting the kindness of others is enough."

"Ah."

Kadota wondered if he had pushed too far. He returned to the appetizing looking sushi.

"It's your favorite, fatty tuna. Is it good?"

Izaya sampled a bit of fresh fish.

"Regarding the taste, it is satisfactory. Enjoyment-wise, it is perhaps the best sushi I ever had."


	57. Chapter 57

A lump in Kadota's throat.

"That's…not too bad. Not too bad at all."

"Is it all for me?"

"Yeah. What, you're not up to the challenge of indulging in the amazing wonders of the sea?"

Izaya giggled.

"I was angling for the whole 'food tastes better when shared' motif. I believe it is remarkably popular."

Kadota took a piece of sushi himself.

"Pretty good!"

"Kadota, to think you'd stoop so low as to steal food form a convalescent person…"

"Still unfunny. How's The Castle, by the way? Finished it already?"

Izaya's hesitation was very brief, so much so that Kadota did not even notice it.

"Not yet. The painkillers make it difficult to read."

Kadota looked away rapidly. Afraid of Izaya seeing the flash of anguish in his eyes. Kadota suspected that this was the context to the conversation he had overheard. Kadota placed great trust in hospitals, somehow having Izaya sheltered in a medical environment where Shinra was at his beck and call reassured Kadota greatly. So much so that he imagined Izaya's present existence to be a period of recovery instead of a torpor where excruciating pain was only kept at bay at the cost of mind numbing chemicals.

The thought of Izaya strapped to a hospital bed and unable to push against barriers through the power of his mind oppressed Kadota more than he expected.

"Earth to Kadota, over."

"Sorry. I kinda spaced out a bit."

"Not being able to read is hardly pleasant but I can be read to if you would care for that."

"You want me to read to you?"

Izaya's eyes glimmered with mischief.

"Maybe I should ask Celty and watch her squirm."

"Now that's just evil."

"Orihara Izaya is a bad boy."

"That you are. German is beyond me, though…you'll have to stick to Japanese books or translations. So, any requests?"

"I do not know, actually. For the first time in my life I will have to choose something easy to follow and not particularly complex."

It hurt Kadota that Izaya was deprived on his most of his usual concentration power.

"Right, I'll find something nice."

"Kadota? Whatever it is that you are thinking is probably best left alone."

Kadota granted him a wan smile.

"Can you read minds now?"

"No but I can read facial expressions much better than most."

"And how did you become so good at it?"

"You're changing the subject on purpose but I'll let it slip. I gain this ability through extensive observation of human beings."

"I thought your mind was not working to its full capacity?"

"And it isn't. So enjoy it while you can, Kadota. Now is the time to dazzle me with your superior intellect."

"Be right back, solving Fermat's last theorem."

Izaya giggled then finished the sushi.

"If you do solve let me know. This was quite delicious."

"You'll be the first to find out. And I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"I rejoice greatly. By the way, I was sent some manga."

Izaya waved in the direction of the pile of books. Kadota picked one up and flipped through the pages.

"One your favo-"

Kadota closed the tome with a bang.

"My, whatever is the problem."

"Let me guess…Erika sent you this,"

Izaya smiled beautifully.

"She did, yes. I believe the character design was patterned after you and I."

Kadota was all too aware that he blushing all the way to the tips of his ears.

"That Erika! What was she thinking?!"

"She probably meant to cheer me up while helping you out at the same time. Very laudable and most definitely friendly."

Kadota sighed.

"At least you weren't totally grossed out by it."

"I appreciate the artistic endeavor but I do wish Erika had not tagged me as the default bottom."

"Heh…sorry. Should I tell her to draw super top!Izaya next?"

It was as daring as Kadota could possibly be given the subject.

"If anything, I ought to thank her. If not for this I do not think I would even have a visual context of myself in a sexual context of any kind."

Many things occurred to Kadota and he discarded them all.

"I thought you had a very active imagination."

"I do. But my hypothetical scenarios tend to coincide with my interests or be of a useful nature. Sex never factored in."

Kadota's heart moved to his throat as he decided to take something of a leap.

"Then I'll get her to draw top!Izaya. So that you can view yourself in that light."


	58. Chapter 58

Izaya's next smile was very sly.

"Does this mean I'll be paired with bottom!Kadota?"

"It wouldn't bother me, I think."

Kadota only realized it was indeed so until he spoke.

"For the record, I do not find any relative position to be in itself demeaning. My issue is retaining control."

"But you know, you may be simplifying things too much for once."

"How so?"

"I've spent enough time with Erika to know that bottoming in itself does not mean letting go of control entirely or at all, actually. There's such a thing as a power!bottom."

The ensuing fit of giggles ended with Izaya wincing.

"Oh, Kadota, Kadota."

"Are you alright?"

"Minor pain. It's a good thing, Shinra has me so pumped on drugs you could probably slice me in half with a chainsaw and I wouldn't even feel a thing."

"It's for the best."

"So I keep hearing."

A new voice interjected.

"And with good reason."

Izaya had noticed Shinra's arrival but kept silent on the subject. Kadota had missed it entirely and nearly jumped out of the chair.

"Jesus, Shinra! Don't scare me like that."

"Sneaky Shinra-sensei is sneaky."

Shinra adjusted his glasses and produced a small remote like control device.

"As a doctor I have free range in my hospital so I never 'sneak' as you say."

"It's what they call 'doctor privilege'. Shinra-sensei doesn't know how much non-doctors suffer in this world."

Kadota had already settled back in his chair but felt awkwardly like the third wheel.

"Here, this is for you."

Shinra placed the device in Izaya's left hand.

"Whatever can this be?"

"It controls the intensity of the illumination. With this you can dim the light at any point, turn it off or and on without having to move."

"I see. Thank you."

"I'm confiscating it come lights out, though."

"You just said 'at any time'. I knew it was too good to be true."

"Sleeping with the lights on does not allow you to rest properly, this is mostly to make sure you can make yourself comfortable when you feel drowsy."

Kadota knew that this was Shinra going out of his way for Izaya's sake. Outfitting the room to suit Izaya's needs was more an act of dedication than medical zeal.

"I already rest during the night, if I rest any more I may become the human sloth. And people from all other the world will gather to see Izaya!Sloth-kun."

"I bet I can make a profit if I charge people for that."

"That's cruel and unusual. Unless I get a cut as the main attraction."

Shinra's lenses flared momentarily as he adjusted his glasses.

"80/20."

"100% for me."

"90/10."

"That deal is even worse for me, shame on you, Shinra-sensei."

"'Sloth-kun' has a certain ring to it. It's been a while since we did this."

Shinra placed the device within Izaya's reach, pulled up a chair and produced a nail file. Kadota noticed Izaya's hand twitching very minutely as Shinra touched it. Very much like a recoil instinct that bypassed Izaya's deeply entrenched coping mechanism.

"I'll have the spa treatment next, please."

"I'll do your other hand when it's healed."

Shinra was bent over his work and as such could not see Izaya's quizzical expression.

"Say, Shinra…Shizu-chan spent a lot time on his back like this, didn't he."

"You know he did. Why bring this up now? Are you feeling sorry for Shizuo now? Sudden super out of character move? Or is it personal growth?"

Izaya giggled quietly, his heart not quite in it.

"I'm sorry to disappoint but it's not like that. Having a greater understanding of one's enemy is vital to defeating them."

"Focus on your friends instead."

"Will do."

Once more Kadota considered taking his leave.

"There, all done."

Izaya studied his nails with renewed interest. Then without a warning he deftly removed Shinra's glasses without doing as much as touching him.

"Scary shiny glasses, get-o!"

"Give them back!"

"Make me, sensei!"

Shinra sighed.

"Now you've done it."

Izaya put the glasses on, still holding them with the tips of his fingers alone.

"I'm Shinra and I'm here to tell you about my love for Celty! What shall I compare it with? Ah, I hardly can say! My love for Celty is deeper than deep space, wider than the universe and bigger than Izaya's…ego."


	59. Chapter 59

Kadota began to chuckle half-way through the tirade and Izaya's triumphant grin at the end had him in stitches. Shinra pretended to cough to cover up for his laughter.

"You're way out of line, Orihara-kun."

"That pause at the end!"

Izaya knew that he was not particularly funny neither was his Shinra impersonation all that impressive. But he knew full well that humor was an exclusively human response to strain and the people before him were in dire need of some unwinding. That in trying to help those around him Izaya was fumbling for control was not lost to him. Yet there was more to it than that.

"Give me back my glasses,"

Shinra made as if to retrieve them and Izaya placed them in Shinra's outstretched hand, neatly avoiding direct contact. Shinra hurriedly put his glasses back on.

"Can I have access to the internet now? Pretty please? I shall waste my days away watching cat videos."

"You'd probably end up researching Schrödinger's cat instead."

"Why, I'd never. I'm all for Maru-kun, Hana-chan and Theo-kun."

"Am I supposed to know these people?"

"Shinra-sensei, you do not know your cat memes."

"You won't stir up trouble like you're wont to do?"

"I won't. I just want some reassurance that the world is out there, waiting for me. I need to feel an external reality even if I can only interact with it at a most superficial manner."

It was more honesty than Izaya was used to conferring on others. Shinra took a full minute of silence to appreciate it.

"Alright. But I am limiting your internet access."

"So authoritative."

"I should be going now. Tell me how the light control works for you."

"I will. Bye bye, Shinra-sensei."

Izaya waved until Shinra was gone, his hand coming to rest on the covers like a graceful tired thing.

"Want something to drink?"

"I wish I could delve into quantum physics but it's hardly feasible at the moment. Which the good doctor needs not be reminded of."

"Right."

Izaya fixed his gaze on Kadota.

"Kadota, I'd like to ask you to take it easy on Shinra."

"What do you mean?"

Kadota hated himself for resenting the fact that Shinra was the topic of the conversation but he could not help it.

"The following is speculation on my part but I expect Shinra to be less than civil to you in the near future. If that happens, or has already happened, I want you to take into consideration that Shinra is under a lot of stress."

Kadota was not expecting this approach.

"You really can be too perceptive."

"Whether moving here has improved the situation is still unsure but I do hope so."

"How did you know…?"

Izaya granted him a knowing smile.

"I may be drugged out of my mind more often than not but I can tell there is no way he can just 'pop up' at every conceivable hour of the day and night unless he is residing on the premises."

"You're not supposed to know."

"I gathered that as well."

"I won't tell him that you found out."

Izaya sighed dramatically.

"Ah, this is turning into a 'I know that he knows that I know that he knows' kind of situation. And I hate to break it to you but you are hardly a refined liar."

"And somehow that's a bad thing?"

"It is so in this context. Kadota, have you ever stopped to think what it means to be a doctor?"

"Can't say I have."

"A doctor is the one person you always expect to be able to perform for your sake. It is someone you meet when you're at your lowest and unable to do anything other than let them take care of you. No one likes to dwell too much on the fact that doctors are people too, that they have bad days like everyone else. On top of which regular doctors have a support system that Shinra lacks."

"So I should become Shinra's foil, huh…"

"Give him some leeway if at all possible."

"Sure, I can do that. It's just a bit strange that you're so worried about him."

"I am trying to rectify a mistake on my part."

By now Kadota knew that while Izaya's overt motivation had its kernel of truth, there was also a tendency in Izaya for minimizing or even obliterating his better nature. This defaulting to a morally ambivalent if not downright nefarious character was yet another protective mechanism. At least Kadota thought as much.


	60. Chapter 60

Kadota closed the door behind him as quietly as possible and tiptoed his way to Izaya's bedside. Izaya had dimmed the lights and was now dozing in front of a laptop that cast a mellow glow over him. Kadota noticed it anew how sleep rendered Izaya peaceful and childish. Stripped of expression, Izaya's beauty hinted at his fragility.

"Watching people in their sleep borders on voyeur behavior, Kadota. This isn't Twilight."

"Sorry, didn't want to wake you up."

"I bet."

"Having fun with the laptop?"

"I was having a glorious time watching cat videos."

Izaya increased the level of light.

"Really?"

"Indeed. Close your eyes for a second."

Kadota obeyed, rather curious. Some enthusiastic meowing reached his ears.

"That's most definitely a cat."

"You can open your eyes now. Now meet Theo-kun."

A friendly looking black cat sauntered into view on screen. Each meow was accompanied by a caption.

"It's like he's talking!"

"'Okaeri'. But you can't tell the first time around, it's only when you have the captions before you that Theo-kun's talking talent becomes apparent."

"Does he say anything else?"

"Theo-kun's has a wide range of linguist skills."

Izaya played another video, Kadota looking away from the screen and focusing on deciphering the meowing.

" Ba…bakayarou'?"

"How impressive, you can understand cat language."

"The owner of this cat must have a lot of free time."

"Theo-kun is a source of income, I believe."

Kadota scratched his head, still unused to not feeling the beanie.

"What a strange world we live in. People can make money out of their cats!"

Izaya moved the fingers of his left hand, starting from the pinkie to the thumb then repeating it the other way. It has a newly acquired habit and a reassurance that at least part of his body was fully in his command.

"You know what they say, the internet is all about porn and cats. I do not care for porn so I only have the cats left."

"I'm sure there's more to it than that."

"There is also this."

A few clicks brought on screen a live stream of Ikebukuro and its ceaseless human tide.

"Do you feel more connected now?"

Izaya was silent for a while.

"This city goes on without me. It is fully to be expected and something that intellectually I knew but it still feels somewhat sad."

"It might feel that way to you but you're pretty much all that people are talking about nowadays."

Izaya smiled.

"Maybe I can become an urban legend now."

"'The Mysterious Shinjuku Informant'."

"That hardly sounds impressive."

"'The Mysterious Phone Stomper'."

"That may be even less impressive."

"'The Mysterious Switchblade Troll.'"

Izaya giggled.

"Your mockery is duly noted."

"Tokyo's not the same without you, you know."

"You say because of your attachment to me."

Kadota was not entirely sure 'attachment' was strong enough a word to describe it but he was not about to contest it.

"It's not just that. You can most definitely feel a change in the air."

"People are breathing more easily, I gather. At least quite a few are."

"It's more a feeling of confusion and not knowing what's going on."

"Odds are someone will take my place."

Kadota started at this.

"No one can do that."

"I appreciate the feeling but that is hardly true. No matter, I'll just have to retake what is rightful mine."

"Exactly."

As much as Kadota did not want to treat Izaya as a patient he still found himself being overly cheerful on occasion.

"'Rightful' is perhaps not the correct way of putting it. Truth be told, virtually all I achieved was done so through less than fair methods."

"That goes for pretty much everyone in this city."

"You may have a point there. There is no such thing as purity in this world and innocence is often deadly."

Kadota wanted to ask more about this but a knocking at the door interrupted the conversation.

"Come in. Oh, Shiki-san. How nice of you to visit."

Kadota got up awkwardly enough. He knew the white suited man now striding into the room but had only seen him from afar until now. Shiki cast him a perfunctory glance then checked out the extent of Izaya's damage.

"Glad to see you conscious and on your way to recovery."

Izaya bowed as much as he could.

"I believe you haven't been introduced. Shiki-san, this is Kadota Kyohei. Kadota, meet Shiki-san."


	61. Chapter 61

Shiki allowed Kadota a curt nod.

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Kadota's speech pattern became formal without his even realizing. Shiki ignored him.

"I gather I cannot count on your services for a while?"

"I'm afraid so, Shiki-san."

"Can't you work from a computer?"

"I could. But that would be going against doctor's orders. And my doctor is a scary one."

A wry smile on Shiki's part.

"I see. About this Heiwajima affair, we can take care of it."

Izaya shook his head.

"Thanks but that is something I should handle myself."

"Feel free to change your mind, the offer does not expire. I'll be back some other time."

Shiki snapped his fingers and immediately two black suits walked in carrying a very large basket of fruit topped with flowers. It was with some difficulty that the grunts maneuvered it and given its sheer size a third suit had to place a bench on which to place it.

"Is this for me?"

"Get well gift. Enjoy."

Izaya caressed soft petals, ever so gently.

"Thank you very much, Shiki-san. Do drop by again."

Kadota was only able to breathe freely again once Shiki was gone.

"Phew, that was…tense."

Izaya was busy arranging the flowers ever so slightly in order to force them an agreeable pattern.

"Come to think of it, you never asked Shiki-san about me."

"I couldn't exactly waltz into his office and ask. I don't feel like getting dumped on Tokyo Bay."

"You're dating yourself there, Kadota. I believe they have much better methods of disposing of bodies nowadays."

"You get the point."

"It would surprise Shiki-san, I'm sure. But not for long."

"Could he tell me anything? Assuming he wanted."

Izaya picked up and studying a dangling carnation.

"Probably not. At any rate, Shiki-san will need a new informant now."

"Are there many informants around? I've been wondering."

"Quite a few."

Izaya considered the flower thoughtfully. It had not been simply out of consideration for Shinra that Izaya had turned down Shiki's offer to keep working. Izaya knew that he was unable to dedicate himself fully to the task and the moment his skills proved faulty Shiki would drop him on the spot. Another portion of the world, of Izaya's world, would move on without him.

"-books?"

"Sorry, I was spacing out a bit."

"I was asking if you'd like some audiobooks?"

"I'm afraid they lull me to sleep,"

Izaya's fingers brushing on a rose thorn, prickling the skin and drawing a tendril of blood.

"You're bleeding! Here,"

Immediately Kadota produced a band-aid that he wrapped around the minute cut.

"Do you carry band-aids around you on a daily basis?"

"You never know when they'll come on handy."

Izaya's smile was warm and brief.

"Ah, a defining character trait if there was ever one. Also, I am quite confused."

"About what?"

Kadota wondered if he would be asked to define his feelings for Izaya. He was more than willing to do so.

"What am I supposed to make of this mixed assortment of flowers? There are two kinds of lilies, the white ones stand for purity and chastity while the orange kind represents hatred and revenge. Then there are the white roses that just prickled me, their meaning is innocence, silence, devotion. Am I to read a warning here? An elaborate joke? A bit of both? Something else entirely?"

"Odds are you're thinking too much about it."

"That is also entirely possible."

"Should I call Shinra? To see to that cut."

Izaya stared at his bandaged finger.

"Anime style dolphin band-aids. How cute. It also be that Shiki-san wants me to crossover as a schoolgirl and go for pseudo-lesbian action, hence all the white lilies."

"Let's hope that's not it."

"Should I commission some trap!zaya doujin from Erika, I wonder."

"She'd take you up on that, rest assured."

"I bet!"

"It's best not to encourage her. Or she'll have you wearing maid outfits in no time."

"Sounds mortifying…"

Izaya closed his eyes and began to drift away.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

Kadota dimmed the light.

"White rose…it's a duel challenge…for the Rose Bride…"

Perhaps influenced by this talk of Erika, Izaya's sleep talk turned to anime. By now Kadota had perfected a method of making a silent exit without upsetting Izaya.


	62. Chapter 62

There was nothing particular on his mind but Kadota was in a thoughtful mood. So much so that he must have taken a wrong turn because he found himself in an unknown part of the building.

Kadota was looking around for some directions when he spotted light seeping from a partially open door. He decided to try his luck there.

"Excuse me, seems like I got lost."

There was no reply even as Kadota knocked. He meant to retreat but something caught his eye. Before Kadota knew what he was doing he had already stepped inside. He stood inside a bedroom. A freshly slept in bed was pushed against a wall in a confusion of sheets. A few white robes could be glimpsed through a crack in a closet. Dominating the room was a desk with a laptop and a bunch of books, standing right next to it a full body X-ray in dark contrast against very bright light. This had been what had first caught his attention.

Even to his laymen eyes it was clear that whoever was depicted in the X-ray was in a lousy state. Everywhere he looked there were fractured bones, only the skull remained whole and unbroken. It did not take long for Kadota to reach the conclusion that this was Shinra's current room and that he was looking at Izaya's X-ray.

Izaya's warnings regarding Shinra came rushing back with renewed meaning. Something of Shinra's mental state lingered in the very air, it was a mixture of anxiety and deep concentration. Even confined to a hospital bed Izaya was able to sense what was going on with Shinra. Kadota felt a bit ashamed of himself for having failing to notice anything at all.

"You're close to trespassing here, Kadota."

Kadota was not even surprised that Shinra should arrive at this point.

"Sorry, I got lost and was looking for the exit."

"It's that way, turn left and take the lift."

Shinra gestured vaguely toward the corridor and nearly sank on the swivel chair, sending it creaking wildly as his body almost flopped.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. And I suppose there's no point keeping it from Izaya that I'm living here at the moment."

"I won't tell him."

Shinra smiled ruefully, removed his glasses to polish them with a neat piece of cloth. Only now did Kadota spot dark circles under his eyes.

"He'll find out through you easily enough. Probably without even trying."

"He's perceptive like that, yeah."

"Sorry, but can you leave? I need to catch some sleep."

Kadota wanted to stay and talk some more. Namely, about the X-ray and precisely how it related to Izaya. But Shinra had already checked out, mostly out of fatigue but there was an edge to his dismissive attitude.

Kadota was almost out of the room when Shinra's voice stopped him.

"That X-ray is Izaya's. In case you're wondering."

Kadota turned around to find that Shinra still had his eyes shut and made no effort to even face him.

"I thought so,"

"You hear what I told him, didn't you. That he'd be fine as long as he rested."

Kadota started, suddenly alarmed.

"That wasn't true?"

"It is what Izaya would probably term a 'conditional truth'. His life is not in danger but the extent to which he can recover depends a lot on Izaya himself."

"Izaya is a lot stronger than he seems,"

"So because he's strong it's alright to expect him to endure the world of pain that's coming his way?"

Shinra's chair did turn now and his eyes were very much open. Kadota found himself taking half a step back.

"You mean,"

"I mean intensive rehab. There's still a long way to go but eventually he'll have to go through it. If you're still around when the time comes then you'll either be part of the solution or part of the problem."

"And that's up to you to decide?"

"That's right."

If not for Izaya's warning Kadota might be tempted to snap back.

"Alright. I get it, I'll just have to be there for him."

"I don't think you do."

There was no point in arguing, that much Kadota knew. He suspected that Shinra had detained him for the sole purpose of starting an argument. Kadota was willing to give him plenty of leeway but what he did not expect was for Shinra to suddenly spring from the chair and push him against the wall.


	63. Chapter 63

"Oy, Shinra! What the hell,"

"Celty can be shot, knifed, or run over by a car without doing any harm- so I can relax and know that no matter what happens I can fix it- but Izaya's not like that! He gets hurt and can die! That someone I love should be so vulnerable!"

Kadota was so taken by surprise that he could not even react. It was not so much that he did not put his much better honed fighting skills to use out of consideration for Shinra that he remained so perfectly still, it was simply that he was too caught aback.

Shinra's hands shook as they grabbed Kadota's collar. It suddenly dawned on Kadota that the one being into which Shinra had invested so much emotionally was virtually immune to physical damage. This was a very specific shortcoming, one that only Shinra could suffer from. And Kadota knew that Izaya had taken even this into consideration.

Kadota wished he had some words to assuage Shinra but as it so often happened speech collapsed when it was most necessary.

"I really don't know what to say,"

"If he never walks again, I'll hold you responsible."

"It was Shizuo who did this to Izaya, as much I hate myself for what happened,"

Kadota was about ready to shove Shinra as delicately as possible but the hard glitter in Shinra's eyes stopped him.

"Izaya has been dodging Shizuo for years on end. He has a whole system for dealing with Shizuo and it works. As long as it's just Shizuo Izaya will outrun, outthink and outwit any times. But he can't protect anyone while he's at it. Izaya needs only protect himself."

"Are you sure that's what he wants? Have you asked him?"

Shinra's brittle chuckle chilled Kadota to the bone.

"Ask him? Ask him what he wants? I don't care what he wants or doesn't want. I'm his doctor, my duty is to keep him safe and not pander to his will. Do as he wants, you say? If I did that I'd be pulling the plug on him like he asked me to."

Kadota knew that this last bit was information Shinra would normally never divulge. And more than the off-character violence it told him just how upset Shinra presently was. Before Kadota could scramble for language Shinra was on him again.

"Or do you want to do that yourself? 'I must respect Izaya's will'? Like hell I do!"

Black tendrils wrapped themselves around Shinra's body, prying his hands from Kadota's collar and gently pulling him away.

[Shinra, calm down! What's gotten into you?! Sorry about this, Kadota. It's best if you leave now]

Shinra slumped on the chair. Celty's advent seemed to drive all fight from him but Kadota could not shake the feeling that he had hardly heard the last of this.

* * *

><p>"Say, Celty. Have you considered learning sign language?"<p>

[Sign language?]

Izaya nodded.

"It is a fully functional system of communication that bypasses verbal expression. I'd gladly teach you and Shinra but I cannot use my right hand."

[That sounds like a great idea! Is it difficult to learn?]

"Not at all. I'm sure you will master it in no time."

[How come this never occurred to me? You really are a genius!]

"You flatter me. By the way, you should have more time on your hands now that I can't hire you. How about you take the opportunity and take Shinra somewhere?"

Celty hesitated.

[Shinra doesn't want to leave Tokyo at the moment]

"There are plenty of places in the city that you can visit."

[I'll talk to him. That's quite a basket you got there]

The not too subtle change of topic did not go unnoticed.

"Courtesy of the yakuza."

[You sure got some powerful connections]

Izaya wanted to suggest many places, he knew the city intimately and could point out many an unknown nook well worthy of being seen but he was have floated off because by the time he became aware again there was no Celty to be seen.

"And how are we feeling today?"

Izaya mirrored Shinra's smile but rather weakly.

"The majestic plural does not suit you."

"Really? I'm working on my 'gap moe' appeal."

"This 'we' business is disarming. It makes it impossible for me to ask how you are doing."

"Has the day come when my bedridden patient is asking how I am feeling?"

"It is in my 'rational self-interest' to expect my doctor to be in top condition."


	64. Chapter 64

Shinra scanned a chart briefly.

"'Rational self-interest'. I don't suppose you'll go on strike now? Since you are the engine of the world."

Izaya giggled.

"'Who is John Galt'? I'm afraid I do not view the world in such simple terms."

"Have you thought that to some people you may be just that? The engine of the world."

"Have some faith in the engine, then. Know that it sustains itself through your support and is in dire need of you. And that for that very reason it must keep you as functional as possible. That includes resting and knowing when to take a break."

Shinra sighed deeply.

"I really can't win."

"Look at it this way. I can never lose. Neh?"

"Then make sure you get complete victory. For that you need to rely only on yourself."

"Perhaps. And yet I now draw breath at your sufferance. There is something to the idea that we are all connected."

Shinra laughed.

"We are all connected but you're the one calling the shots."

"One could construe such a hypothesis and not deviate entirely from the truth, that much I grant."

"Izaya speak."

"Come to think about it, this is not all that different from what I usually. Even this present situation. Fighting and surpassing obstacles is not so much what I do as what I am."

"Ah, I'm almost afraid of seeing you get this candid about yourself."

"Worry not, there is still a wealth of secrets to which you are not privy."

"Oh I bet."

"How about we change the allegory? Think of me as The Little Engine that Could."

Shinra laughed, for once untroubled.

"I'm pretty sure there's a law against having you, or anything even remotely like you, in a children's book."

"I was keeping the theme here, namely trains."

Shinra contemplated him in silence for a while. Then he laced his fingers with Izaya's, smiling as Izaya could not repress the impulse to disentangle his hand.

"This is your way of running away, isn't it. Sorry, didn't mean to upset you."

Shinra tried to pull back his hand but his surprise Izaya detained it with a faint but most definite grip. Before Shinra could process it he became all too aware of Izaya looking him straight in the eye.

"That's right, that was my running away. We both know that even if I am to stand at the very apex of the world there are still many, many things that come naturally to the average person and yet are very difficult for me. These are limits, these are my barriers. But you see, Shinra, barriers are there for me to overcome. The more there are without, the more I create within, the stronger I will become when I cross them. Even if it never becomes easy."

Shinra adjusted his glasses to gain time as he processed all this.

"I sure hope you won't end up killing me now that you've told me all this."

Izaya ignored Shinra's overture into lightening up the mood. Shinra felt a brief increase of pressure from Izaya's hand.

"That was my running away, this is my making a stand."

Shinra eased into a smile and a shrug.

"Instead of heroic, I'd rather you obey your doctor's orders."

By now Izaya's hand had relaxed completely inside Shinra's.

"Be thankful I'm not Galt or I'd speechify for 66 pa-"

Shinra effectively put an end to Izaya's reasoning by planting a soft kiss on the delicate hand.

"Let's skip the speech, shall we?"

Izaya's hand twitched momentarily as Shinra placed it on the covers with the greatest of cares. And with a flourish of the lab coat that Izaya suspected was for effect, Shinra made a grand exit.

Izaya almost reached for the hand disinfectant that was just within reach. Almost.

* * *

><p>As the cartoon cat made its way through the rainbow loop, nya-ing in its annoying sing-song voice, Izaya closed his eyes for a moment. Upon opening them the cartoon cat had not made any headway and was still as immersed in achieved its fabled destination, leaving a trail of rainbow on its wake. But glancing at the display bar told him that almost an hour had elapsed.<p>

"Just how long is this video?"

Izaya could not quite start but he was caught by surprise at finding Kadota present.

"Sneaking into my room when I'm asleep, no wonder I fear for my chastity."

"Sorry, I just let myself in…what on Earth are you even watching, anyway?"

"Nyan cat."

"Ah…does it ever change or…?"

"It's the exact same thing for a whole 10 hours."


	65. Chapter 65

Kadota blinked a few times.

"Are you serious…?"

Izaya nodded gravely.

"I am."

Kadota scratched his head, still unused to not having his beanie on.

"I don't get it…and it has so many views, too!"

"You don't know what you've been missing out on, Kadota!"

"It sounds super annoying."

"For shame. You'll make Nyan Cat cry."

"Have you been watching this for ten whole hours straight?"

Izaya flashed him a brilliant smile.

"In HD, too."

"Is there much a difference?"

Kadota peered at the pixelated cat still going on its endless ramble.

"A great difference, particularly the sound quality."

"The sound quality…!"

"Nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan nyan,"

Izaya sang along, in tune and all.

"Oh wow, who knew you could sing! But the song choice is a bit…"

Izaya's giggles overlapped the nyan'ing.

"I too am often impressed with my wide skill set."

"I bet. Sorry I didn't visit yesterday."

After the disastrous incident with Shinra Kadota had skipped the hospital for a whole day. Kadota decided to avoid Shinra altogether since he was not entirely sure he could take Izaya's advice.

"You have no obligation to visit me every single day. In fact, you have no obligation to me at all."

It seemed that Izaya's attempts at kindness tended to result in unintentional cruelty. That alone was highly telling.

"But I wanted to visit you."

"It could be that conflating one's will with one's duty is the key to happiness."

"How so?"

Izaya stopped the video, halting the cat's null progress in mid-nya.

"Suppose that you enjoy some activity, say, cooking. It's one thing to say, 'I want to cook the tastiest dishes in the world' and 'It is my duty to cook the tastiest dishes in the world'. In both cases you're essentially following your will but if you add a sense of obligation to, suddenly people will think better of you and you will come to cherish that same impression about yourself as well."

"And you think that's wrong?"

Izaya's smile was sly and deliberate.

"Always so hasty in assigning 'right' and 'wrong.'"

"Sorry, that's kinda the way I am."

"I know. That's why you need someone like me around you."

"To remind me of the many shades of grey?"

"That too. But more to the point, to remind you that in many cases 'right' and 'wrong' are not relevant parameters. People indulge in feeling all fuzzy about what they want to do and thus dub it a duty, is that wrong? Perhaps it is, perhaps it is not."

Kadota spent some time mulling this over."

"Alright, so do you do the same thing as well?"

"My approach is different. I believe that there are times when doing what you want and claiming it as purely that is the greatest thing one can possibly achieve."

"Is that, 'the beast that cried 'I' at the Heart of the World'?"

There was warmth as well as brilliance to Izaya's smile.

"You're picking up your Eva references. That's right. I half-expect everyone to stand around clapping now."

"Better that than everyone turning into tang."

"Kadota humor! I'll convert you to Eva yet. But you know, if I were to pick a moment in anime that really resonated with me it wouldn't be Eva."

"What, then? It's Lain, isn't it."

"More Kadota humor! 'Present day, present time' enter creepy chuckle here. But it's not Lain, no. It's Haruhi."

"Haruhi? As in, the Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi?"

Kadota had heard much about it, courtesy of Erika and Walker and got the impression it was a quirky affair.

"Surprised?"

"Pretty much."

"When Haruhi was little she was taken to a baseball game for the first time. And there she confronted the crushing power of people in vast numbers. Up to that point she had always believed herself to be special but suddenly she realized this world contains so many humans and that she is only the merest fraction of it all. The sense of value she attributed to herself diminished accordingly, perhaps even proportionally. This ends up being her trigger to carve a new worth as an individual by taking action and making her life as interesting as possible and then some. When I saw that it gave me pause."


	66. Chapter 66

"Because you could relate?"

"Because I could not at all relate. What I could do was understand her point of view. 'Ah, this is how normal people think. How interesting, I can see how one could reach that conclusion but I have known multitudes from the cradle and never doubted my sense of election. Could it be a delusion? Quite possibly but it changes nothing.'"

And here it was, Izaya's ever so peculiar joy, a thing of beauty not to be approached lightly lest it scorched you. With more than a hint of insanity, Kadota saw it as an expression of the genius inherent to Orihara Izaya.

"Only you could possibly say that Haruhi is normal."

"That may be true. My ability to read others is not perfect but it is a tool for survival. At the same time it is also ballast to my ego."

"Ballast to your ego, huh…"

Izaya nodded.

"You've said it yourself, that I may pay very dearly if I become too caught up in my own perceived superiority. Arguably my present situation has proved you right."

"I didn't mean it like that,"

"It's alright. I do not resent you for it."

"But I close enough to you to be resented?"

Kadota had not meant to speak, he simply let his guard down and found himself voicing his thoughts before he quite realized it.

"I would say so."

Perhaps not cushioned in the most unambiguous of ways but so much better than nothing. As if afraid of breaking the spell Kadota retreated.

"So you're aware that you can be deluded?"

"I am very much aware of it. In fact, my sense of 'standing above others' is probably a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I shaped myself into being who I am out of the inner conviction that I was indeed so."

"I can see it happening like that, yeah…in most cases 'identity' is an emergent quality but I'm not too sure about you."

"To single me out from the whole of humanity like this, it feels so lonely."

Kadota was perplexed. He could not tell how much Izaya meant it if at all. It took Kadota a while to recover while Izaya remained placidly waiting.

"That wasn't my intention. It's just that people in general build up their personality by degrees, it's something that takes time but it seems like you were always as you are from the word go."

"Which denotes a level of immaturity, does it not? This too you have pointed out to me. While everyone else undergoes change and grows, I remain the little kid who is too smart for his own good and can only excel inside his own mind, the one place where he really reigns supreme."

Kadota could not help wondering if the painkiller cocktail surfing in Izaya's bloodstream had something to do with this candid attitude. It made him feel a bit guilty for wanting to push for further revelations.

"That you can see things like that is already something…"

"I've always envisioned my death in a dark alley, alone. Don't mistake me, my ultimate goal is still to escape death altogether but if I were to die, if there is a death that is suitable for Orihara Izaya, it is dying in a dark alley all by myself. I accepted it as what I deserve, as my karmic balance if you will. I show little mercy so I expect none in return. I would not die cursing the world but my own inability."

"And that has changed?"

Kadota was on the edge of his seat, hanging on every word.

"Not entirely. I still believe it a deserving demise for one such as I. But I'm beginning to see that 'love' is not about dealing with others as they deserve. It is about dealing with them proportionally to your attachment to them. That may be why 'love' can be given, accepted, denied and rejected but never earned."

A moment of silence. Kadota had a distinct impression of being on the cusp of something major, a turning point. Unsure of how to pursue it and afraid of losing it entirely, Kadota opted for stalling for time.

"Ah, your take on it is unique as ever…but why the quotes?"

"Because I have no direct experience of love."

"Shouldn't you air quote 'death' as well, then?"

Izaya tilted his head to the side, a very slight gesture.

"I am quite sure I was clinically dead for a while. Not that Shinra will ever confirm it."

The conversation had taken a turn Kadota did not care for.

"That is,"

A knock at the door.

"Come in. Oh hi there Celty!"


End file.
